11 year old: I’m burnt out. Ex partner completely disagrees on parenting

[EmPeEf]

I don’t know fully where to turn right now. Maybe I just need to vent I don’t know. Our situation is:

• 11 year old male.
• Had autism assessment a year ago and told did not meet the threshold; to come back later and try again (?).
• Was suggested to have an ADHD assessment instead. Form not completed as I am failing to do my own assessment form currently, and father is uninterested in helping.
• Mother is diagnosed autistic at 35 and father (ex partner) is nuerotypical.
• Mother has nuerodiverse partner, father has neurotypical partner.
• New high school is aware and accommodating to additional needs (fidget pass etc).
• child is academic, prioritises school’s measure of “good” as his own self worth, and currently has the most merits out of anyone in the whole school. Refuses to slow down attainment levels to the point of burn out.

I feel like we are at a point where his father and I need to sit down with a professional and get help with a plan on how to better parent our son.
Primary issue is our son leans on me for emotional support and regulation, including via text when at his father’s. Doesn’t talk to his father about feelings. Has said he “cannot be himself around his father or father’s partner”. And his 16 year old nuerotypical brother said the same to me on a separate occasion. Also that “dad has changed and acts differently, especially when around her”.

This is burning me out from a distance, as the way we solve his breakdowns and burnouts at mine is usually through quiet physical contact (long hug) sometimes using stress toys or squeezing my hand till he’s calm. So when he’s at his father’s he’s spiralling with no workable outlet.

Father’s opinions in an email to me today after I highlighted an escalation in difficult behaviour at home after going back to school after Christmas are, quote:

”He has pretty much always craved your attention to what I could call an unhealthy degree”.

”He has not been round ours much lately, but FWIW he has been pretty much the same as ever.”

“I also think you need to at least consider the possibility that some of these struggles with school work and his resulting wellbeing are being exaggerated or even fabricated, in order to receive attention.”

“I feel like we just fundamentally disagree on what (son) is like, what he needs etc. He is smart, and he has long since twigged that you are desperate not to make mistakes with him that your parents made with you and he uses that power over you all the time. I think he takes you two for an absolute ride a lot of the time to be perfectly honest with you.”

“He is also convinced that he's "Weird" and treats it like some sort of badge of honour.”

“So I'm sorry but I just don't believe that a lot of what he's telling you is completely genuine….on the increasingly rare occasions that you can convince him to do something other than vegetate on his tablet, he usually enjoys it. But I'm sure he wouldn't want you knowing that, because he has to keep up the facade that everything is awful.”

At this point I feel these are things he needs to be saying in the presence of a professional SEN psychologist who can mediate things for us, not just venting to me his opinions. But it has shaken me none the less.

GPs don’t seem interested in addressing help for parents in this aspect, they just seem to direct you to their current school’s SENCO. So I have a phone conversation with them tomorrow where I’d like to ask if they have people they recommend we can meet with long term in a private matter, before just going through the psychologist database.

I intend to go through singular therapy myself as well.

I’m just looking for any insight into co-parenting and looking for help and support and what we might be able to find, especially if you have one nuerodiverse parent and one, I would say, almost neuro skeptic parent. As we’re on such two completely different pages there is nothing to be resolved by discussing it between ourselves any more.

Just any personal experience or advice would be most welcome. I almost feel like a failure looking for extra help for myself to parent our son, especially as my ex partner’s opinion seems to suggest I am the problem rather than either of us could benefit from external information, expertise and support.

Not much help to you, but I found having DD1 undergo a multi disciplinary assessment for a specialist non maintained school, where every professional told us DD1 was falling off the planet, got through to DH, who believed until then that her native intelligence would get her through mainstream school.

They all told him, she wouldn’t cope in mainstream - she’d been in special provision since age 4, because everyone except him, including the SEN tribunal already accepted she’d never cope in mainstream. He thought I was wrong, because I listened to the professionals. It didn’t help that DM said all the professionals talked mumbo jumbo and DD1 would be fine when she grew up! She isn’t!

We took her to another specialist non maintained school for assessment and they put it even more bluntly!

Is there anyone who can help you complete DS’s ADHD forms? I think you need to prioritise that. If you don’t have anyone who can help you with the forms, speak to the school to see if they will help, look at a referral to early help &/or look at a referral to a social prescriber.

Has DS had a sensory OT assessment? Has he tried anything to replicate the sensory input from a hug? For example, a bodysok, weighted blanket, cuddle ball.

Thank you both for your replies.

@BlueandWhitePorcelain I’m probably naive thinking that my ex hearing things from more professionals might help, but I’m holding out some hope.

@ExistingonCoffee so the lady I spoke to at the high school who referred him for an ECHP at the start of the week told me they can help me with the form. And they’ll help me do the Right to Choose one as it’s infinitely easier than the NHS one. So just need to wait for his assessment to come through and for all that to kick off. They said up to 8 weeks but it’ll be more like a couple so fingers crossed.

Some good suggestions for physical comfort there. I do actually own a weighted blanket so I might see if my ex will take that and have it at his so our son can maybe make a place of security when he’s feeling he needs it. At mine he’ll be flapping around for a while until I can actually convince him to come calm down with me though. I think his dad gives up quite easily.

First thing I want to say is that professionals are not always right. I was told that DS wouldn't cope at mainstream secondary school without major adjustments made for him - the NHS ASD specialist paediatrician was very concerned about this when he was diagnosed. He actually did extremely well. He like yours also tied his self worth to academic achievement and that allowed him to get through. He also found the school library as his sanctuary.

I think the best thing you can do for DS is start enabling him to cope. Find ways for him to manage that aren't entirely reliant on you - he's still quite young right now but you're not always there to help him calm down and once he's an adult he going to need to have coping skills that don't involve long hugs from you. So on this I do agree with his dad to a small extent - although not that DS is manipulating you. One of the best things you can do for any child is help them with age/ability appropriate independence and resilience IMO

Maybe you could approach the co parenting bit by saying 'I took on board your message and although i disagree that DS is being manipulative I think it would be great if we could work together in a positive way to increase his confidence, independence and resilience. I think it's really helpful for him to develop strategies to cope with feeling overwhelmed and so will send him with stress toys/weighted blanket/other sensory equipment to hopefully help him self regulate.

Due to DS being autistic is is quite possible that he is considered odd or weird by some of the kids at school. I would imagine that him deciding this is a badge of honour is a way of him keeping his self esteem intact and so am happy for him to continue in his belief. I think it is certainly preferrable to being a nasty little shit rude or unkind anyway.'

Good luck OP!

I think i would try and prioritise DS’ firms over your own. I sympathise though. The system to get an assessment seems to have been designed specifically to maje anyone with ADHD fail.

I second @goingroundincircless - finding alternative ways of managing distress while DS at his father's and encouraging independance are possibly the priority. I'd also ask school about anxiety/ELSA support.

It sounds like your ex is unlikely to agree with you about your DS's needs.