Child placed in specialist ASD school but still refusing — school pressure becoming unbearable

[SomberPombear]

Just before Christmas, my sons’ father refused to return my children. I reported this to social services, and on the Monday, the social worker asked for the children to be brought back — which he did.
Since then, everything has been emotionally chaotic for my 13-year-old son. He has ASD, ADHD, and Adjustment Disorder — and I genuinely believe he’s now in burnout or survival mode.
He’s been placed in a very good specialist school since September, which on paper should meet his needs. His attendance was usually around 3 days a week, which I thought was pretty good considering he’d been out of education for nearly two years and was still adjusting.
But since returning home after the Christmas disruption, he has completely refused to go in.
He won’t say why. He doesn’t have the emotional language to explain it — but the distress is very real.
Meanwhile, the school are contacting me daily.
Not just one person — I’m getting multiple emails, phone calls, and online meeting requests. It’s relentless, and honestly starting to feel ridiculous. The pressure is excessive. I’m being treated like I’m withholding him, when in reality I’m just trying to keep him emotionally stable enough to function.
What happens when even a specialist school isn’t the right fit?
Or when it looks right on paper, but the child still can’t regulate enough to engage?
I’m now being made to feel obstructive or overprotective, when in reality I’ve gone above and beyond — and no one seems to be adapting their approach to reflect his actual emotional capacity right now.
Has anyone else dealt with this — especially when a child has multiple diagnoses and school refusal is part of the condition, not a behavioural issue?

I think you need to give it time. DS experienced a big change and upheaval. DS is probably anxious and scared.

What support is the school providing? What therapeutic provision is in the EHCP? Why isn’t the school adapting their approach?

Would DS be amenable to meeting school staff at home or in the community? Would he be amenable to working with an alternative provision?

There are options in the SS doesn’t work, e.g. looking at a different SS or if it is inappropriate for provision to be made in a school, EOTAS/EOTIS. However, I think that is too early to jump to given DS was attending 3 days a week prior to the upheaval of not being returned.