13 year old with adhd excluded

[metmoo]

we were called in to high school today as our 13 year old son with adhd had 1 gone off on one for no particular reason pulled someones glasses off and thrown them in a hedge, punching out at others and tried to strangle another 2 sending sexually inappropriate emails to 2 girls his age. hes been excluded till tuesday threatened with permanent exclusion if it kkeeps happening and may not be allowed on french trip. he was calm when i picked him up but later headbutted 8 year old sister and then calmed down again he assured me he took his equasym before school too also other week he went to stay at grandparent her neighbour gave him beer and he broke someones windows, so now he is banned from going there even though i used to get a break occasionaly it helped. he doesnt see his biological dad as he has violent tendancies and drink problems so last saw him when he was about 8. i asked about asperegers but hes only borderline, im sure theres something else wrong with him other than adhd he acts very young for his age and with 3 kids altogether the younggest being 2 i dont want him to grow up with a big brother showing violence/mood swings for obvious reasons am really lost about what to do about him my daughter aged 8 has started answering back and having major hissy fits/tantrums HELP

Just bumping this Metmoo, in the hope that the day time Mumsnetters might see it and know how to help.

Is the violent stuff quite recent?

I haven't got any great advice or anything but my ds (ASD) got excluded a couple of times when he was 5 and it wasn't until I had him at home for a couple of weeks and he started doing his schoolwork quite happily that i realised how miserable school had been making him. He was much happier and now goes to a different school. Do you have a consultant or GP you could speak too - perhaps they could check meds or refer you to behavioural team? Sorry can't be much help hopefully someone else will be along in a mo...

Firstly HUGE {{{HUGS}}} its so upsetting isnt it, to watch your child being self destructive and not even realising it?

im sorry i dont have much advice either...

DS1 (adhd) was taken out of school at the end of year 5, because of his behaviour - not violent, but much more unmanageable. He copied everyones bad behaviour and multiplied it!Because of his difficulties with social acceptability he didn't know where the 'line' was, and frequently 'ran right past it'!!!

He was also constantly competing against his classmates, and obviously didnt see any consequences to his actions (no matter how much they were explained to him, and his choices for behaviour explained), think of the possibilites if there were no 'tomorrow'???

It was extremely hard, and still is (hes 15 and still home educated) but he is at last an ..interesting... chap to be with and much more thoughtful (tho still as impulsive!). We never went down the medication route, but i understand that some families find it a lifesaver. We have had to be really tough, (at one point he had nothing in his room but his bed - not even a lightbulb, he had to earn that back too!)but consistent behaviour management, reward systems and staying firm have eventually worked and its taken sooooooooooooooo long - but has definately worth it. Hes a pleasure to be with (even if his topic of conversation leaves a little to be desired - but if you are in the need of a 2hr lecture on pokemon , hey, hes your man... hey ho..)

Perhaps at this point your ds's behaviour will take a little while to modify... but i honestly believe that taking my DS out of school was the best thing for him, and the family, and for his future too.

Im sure there must be a service to help you, im sorry i dont know who (we were on our own back then), but services have improved.

Incidentally has anything changed at school to upset him? like change of routine/classroom/teacher?

ooops sorry, forgot to say,

SEUS: agree with you on the happiness front, within a couple of weeks my DS definately seemed happier within himself and not as 'on edge' as he was in school.

In our case the school weren't really interested in why ds suddenly started playing up - metmoo if you can get the school on side it will def. be easier to get to the bottom of things and it's in their interests to work with you on this. Sorry gotta go...

the school is very willing to help the deputy head deals with sn and is fair but strict its one of top schools in the county. my ds loves svchool but cant control his temper he will be seeing his adhd doc in a month or so and will discuss with him and school if theres anything to do to help my ds. but its like a switch has been flicked jekyll and hyde thanks folks

Sounds like your school should be able to help at least - in my experience these phases are def. easier to get through with everyone working in the same way with the same goals. Try not to let things get too negative - I know he's in trouble but if everything is just about being in trouble and being punished it can be hard to get out of the pattern - for both of you. Sorry - not v. good at explaining what I mean there?!?! Just remember that everything seemed very grim when ds was in trouble but once i noticed him doing his work nicely it was easier to spot more positives and things gradually improved.