How do you cope when people are not as supportive as you thought they would be?

[nikos]

That's what's been happening with a member of our family and it really hurts . Before ds was being assessed for ASD, I would have put this person down as quite a caring person. We probably talked every second day on the phone etc. Since this stuff with ds she has left long gaps between phone calls and never asks about him. Feel very upset by this as I'm the type who will openly talk about ds problems. I know I should just forget about it, but I do feel very pained by it.
Anyone found the same and did you later discover why the person reacted like this?

I lost half my family and many ofour frineds. we don't see DH's parents at all as they found it just 'too hard' - that was especially nice for poor old DS1.
the good news is that the friends and contacts we have now are fab - brilliant actually.

DS1 brings friends home and judges them by how they cope with DS2. Its like a shitometer

DS3 was dx'd with autism over a year ago and my sister has never mentioned it, or made any effort with him.

She will spend some time with my other two DSs if they are staying with my parents, but if DS3 and I are there too, she keeps her distance.

I really don't understand why but I haven't the headspace to worry about it, frankly.

DS3 is adorable so she is the loser, afaiac.

It's so good to switch on tonight and hear all your supportive messages. After 2-3 weeks of really good behavior at nursery, ds had an horrendous day and it just made me very sad. We're pre diagnosis at the moment so are on the roller coaster ride of 'is he, isn't he' with the ASD.
I think I probably have talked too much about this at the moment with family (hard not to though wouldn't you all agree). And possibly it's the first problem we've faced together where there isn't words of advice she can give me. It's still poor behaviour though.

A very helpful post.Yes I have been very hurt by reactions,but it`s marvellous when you meet someone who does say the right things.Its the smug mums of nt kids I hate the most.My pet moan is the fact that my sister has 3 nt (very bright) kids and my mum and other members of the family are always admiring how she copes.No words in my direction.She works one day a week,I work ft and my ds has the developmental age of 12 months and the energy and mobility of a gazelle.(hes 20) Grrrrrrrrr

Oh pagwatch. We do the same.

People who can't cope are definitely not bothered with.

Never rude. Just not bothered with.

shitometer. Good phrase.

pagwatch re:shitemeter

Ditto JimJams - I feel like I've sorted the wheat from the chaff. Anyone who isn't on board now is well rid of. Gotten over the pain, takes a while, or did in my case and here I am now, happy to be surrounded by people I know are true, real friends.

I had a child with high-functioning ASD round after school today - he was a total pleasure, endearing, interesting and great fun to talk to... but I do admit that I change my patterns of speech slightly with less idioms and more notice of what we're doing / can do.

I don't know why I'm posting this though .. perhaps to slightly redress the balance and somewhat allay your fears that people in the NT world are all the same.

She's probably scared of the unknown, she isn't sure she knows how to relate to you or to him, so is hiding out instead. I might be wrong on this.. it's just a thought

Twiggs - I think you're lovely

Nothing to do with anything else, I just think you're lovely.

As you were.

Nah twig. There are plenty in the NT world who are great (have been very lucky with ds2's classmates parents- but half of them have some sort of SLD work experience which helps).

It is a great way to sort wheat from chaff as TC says,

oh no, I did the 2 g's again! Soooooory!

and relieved as I started that post after pagwatch's but was trying to ensure no offence in it so by the time I posted it looked like I was responding to different posts

aw Twig you are lovely
and you are right. there are loads of great people out there

I've not noticed any difference from friends or relatives (we've all been analysing DS's peculiarities his whole life LOL.) But I've just ordered a couple of books from the NAS to pass around, in case anyone does want to know more but doesn't like to ask. One is All Cats Have Aspergers - basically a coffee table book so it's not a chore to read, and the other is for DD (5) and any cousins that ask - My Special Brother (or something like that LOL.) Good timing actually as yesterday DD said she wanted to ask Nina & The Neurons why little brothers don't understand things.

I have only read the OP but I am wondering if this other person just doesn't know what to say and is saying nothing through fear of saying the wrong thing.

Bugmum

How could she think the email was about her?

I'm sure the majority of people that I've lost contact with come into that category NAB. They're not nasty people, they're just embarrassed or unsure of what to say.

I honestly don't have time for them. They either accept we have ds1 and deal with it, or forget it. As I said I'm never rude I just don't bother trying to contact them and I'm certainly not going to hold their hand through it (ime you can't anyway- if they don't get it they won't and never will and I can't be arsed with all that meet separately etc stuff- my free time is to precious to spend with people who shuffle their feet every time ds1's name is mentioned).

TBH, I no longer expect anyone to be supportive. If they are it's a bonus, but experience has taught me that the opposite is more likely. The only people who are truly supportive (in RL) are other parents in my support group because they're the only ones likely to have an understanding of my situation. The inlaws are great too, will do anything to help out and totally understand why it's needed. But very few friends without SN in their lives can relate. I don't blame them, because if my life had been different I'd probably have been the same as them.

There really isn't time to bother with people who can't make an effort to understand. I was talking to a young mum the other day and she blurted out 'I don't really know what Autism is?' and then looked really embarrassed, but I was actually really pleased because she didn't just fob me off with platitudes and I think she is the first person who has actually asked me to explain it!