Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
SN children

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on special needs.

Original poster

Booked a holiday without ds1 - tell me I'm not mean!

64 replies

Jimjams · 23/01/2005 12:28

Some people's reactions are making me feel a bit guilty....

it's 20 miles down the road from home for a week- during school term- mum and dad are moving into our house whilst we're away. They'll bring him to visit at the weekend.

We're doing it mainly for ds2- otherwise he can't get to do any normal stuff at all. I mean he's 3 now, we live within minutes of the sea and he's never been to the beach for the day (he's been for a walk on the beach but never done the bucket and spade stuff). Someone asked me the other day whether he liked ice cream cones and I had no idea.... it will give us a break as well of course- looking after ds2 and ds3 is a doddle tbh.

Also ds1 hates going away- he freaks - won't go to bed and won't eat. He'll be much happier going to school and at home.

We're not going anywhere else this year.....

Some people have looked really surprised then kind of dubious when I've explained the reasons.

OP posts:
milge · 23/01/2005 14:06

You're not mean at all, your other children are entitled to enjoy their childhoods too, and it sounds like DS1 would be happy with his grandparents. have a good time, take loads of photos, and enjoy yourselves

geekgrrl · 23/01/2005 14:19

jimjams, good on you. I hope you all have a super time - I think you're doing a great thing. Not mean at all - ds1 is one of 3 children, fgs, they all have needs that deserve to be taken into account when possible. I hope you have a lovely break.

sis · 23/01/2005 14:33

How about a car showroom instead - less dangerous than a multi storey car park?!! Oh Jimjams, of course you should go, I hope you have a great break and I am sure your oldest son will also have a great time - his loving grandparents undivided attention for a whole week, why wouldn't he? I think what you are planning is a lot fairer than taking your eldest son away for a family holiday - away from all the familiarity he needs.

shrub · 23/01/2005 14:45

hi jimjams - tis none of their beeswax! my ds1 has been on his own to stay at his grandparents. he loves it, he gets to watch loads of tv and eat what he wants. when ds2 was born - also a c-section i really needed that time to recharge and be able to give that time to him - they are only tiny once - we all need a break sometimes. though i think the people who have commented negatively have misunderstood your prime motivation which is to give ds2 time on the beach. due to feeling exhausted and extremely grumpy i begged dh lastnight to take both ds's to plynouth aquarium today and am now feeling guilty as he doesn't drive and i am sitting here eating a one litre tub of icecream and flake i am learning to put my hand up and ask for help. it is hard - i seek approval and worry what others think etc. and it wastes so much time and energy. look forward to your break and know your ds1 will be in safe hands. enjoy your holiday and just accept that some people are weird/insensitive/ignorant!

Kittypickle · 23/01/2005 14:54

I totally think you're doing the right thing . As people have said, it's all about meeting the needs of the family - I bet no one would bat an eyelid if it was the scenario of a teenager staying at home with grandparents whilst his 2 much younger siblings went on holiday. It's just because some people don't recognise that your DS1 has different needs to his brothers. I hope you all have a really lovely time and I bet DS1 will with his grandparents

oops · 23/01/2005 15:09

Message withdrawn

Socci · 23/01/2005 15:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

tamum · 23/01/2005 15:44

I just saw this thread and thought "I really hope that's one of Jimjams". You deserve it, ds2 deserves it, your dh deserves it. I could completely understand your feeling guilty of ds1 loved going to the seaside but you couldn't face it; as it is everyone wins. I hope you all (and I include ds1) have a lovely time

TinyGang · 23/01/2005 16:01

Ah, go JimJams and have fun. Everyone will be doing the things they like best and feel happiest with and it seems to me (not that I know you!) that you more than deserve a little break. You sound a fantastic Mum in all I've read on here.

I really wish sometimes the 'people' you refer to would put a sock in their comments and expressions at times like this. It's wrong to make you feel guilty (god knows we're good enough at doing that anyway!). I've had a bit of this too if I get 'caught' (as they like to say) having the merest bit of free time. 'Oh, what have you done with them all?!!' Feel like saying 'left them at home with a box of matches, obviously'!

Enjoy your break

lou33 · 23/01/2005 16:43

don't think you are being mean at all jimjams. It sounds like a great idea.

ENjoy

Yorkiegirl · 23/01/2005 16:45

Message withdrawn

Blossomhill · 23/01/2005 16:46

Don't feel guilty jimjams
You are leaving ds1 with his grandparents, who obvioulsy really love and care for him. Ds1 is happier at home and going to school anyway!
You in turn will all have a lovely time and ds2 can experience some of the things you mentioned. Ds1 will be visiting at the weekend as well so I think it sounds absolutely ideal, perfect even. Have a lovely time

motherinferior · 23/01/2005 17:23

Babe,
GO.

PLEASE
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

SoupDragon · 23/01/2005 17:49

You may never get out of a multistory carpark then - there are an awful lot of cars to sniff...

SoupDragon · 23/01/2005 17:50

You'll feel guilty if you do go on holiday without DS1, you'll feel guilty on behalf of DS2 if you don't... you may as well chose the path of guilt that has you relaxing for a while.

Christie · 23/01/2005 17:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Eulalia · 23/01/2005 18:50

Sounds ideal - you are not going far and you aren't going away for long. As you say you have to think of the needs of all your family. It's not as if your ds1 is going to miss something that he will enjoy.

Twiglett · 23/01/2005 18:53

You are doing the right thing

Your family is made up of 5 people, you are ensuring that DS will be happy and cared for and loved

You deserve this, as do all members of your family

And I bet DS will be far far happier staying in familiar surroundings with his usual routines than having the unexpected thrust on him in the name of a 'holiday'

Please please please next time someone gives you a look, or says something .. just punch 'em in the snook (as my old mum would say) ..

Heathcliffscathy · 23/01/2005 18:58

jimjams...no question, this is a great thing you're doing for your whole family...this is the way to avoid resentment build up and that is good for ds1...

have a fabulous time, you deserve it jimjams!

miam · 23/01/2005 18:59

I can't believe anyone would question you about this Jimjams!!! And you have no need to explain your reasons to anyone - you are entirely within your rights to do what is right for you and the children and it has absolutely nothing to do with anyone else! You are not mean - as everyone has said you deserve a holiday so make sure you have a fabulous time. x

JakB · 23/01/2005 19:47

Jimjams, I absolutely know exactly where you are coming from. Been through exactly the same thing. We took ds to see dh's best friend in Switzerland. I had so many sleepless nights about it- was I doing the right thing? Kept thinking about 'creating family memories' without dd etc etc. We weren't even down the road!! But dd was happy at home with her grandma with all her 'safe' things around her and all her routines intact. I think it's a really, really, really hard thing to accept, as a parent, that you NEED to do things without your child with special needs and your other children. I've arranged respite for dd one wednesday a month and still won't take it (haven't ordered the chairbed) and dd's respite carer and therapist keeps telling me I have to and that it's for dd, not me! People who look surprised just don't get it, baby

Gobbledigook · 23/01/2005 19:50

JJ - I think in your circumstances you are doing absolutely the right thing for ds2 and for you! I've done some work on ADHD, which I know is different from autism but does have some of the same issues I think - like the child with ADHD/autism getting a lot of parental attention and routines, outings (if any) all revolving around their abilities and needs, and in the studies I've done it's come out very strongly that siblings do sometimes miss out.

I know you know all this already - far more than I do! - but it makes perfect sense to just turn your attention to ds2 for some of the time and do things just for him, just in the way you probably do for ds1 most of the time! And ds1 is being perfectly well looked after and his routine maintained!

Have a fab time!!

Are you taking wee ds3?

ScummyMummy · 23/01/2005 19:51

Have a wonderful time, you wonderful woman. Ds1 will be fine. He will have a wonderful time with your wonderful folks.

Original poster
Jimjams · 23/01/2005 20:05

I know soupy and the screams would echo. Car showroom? Hmm htat coould give the salesmen a shock

Thank you everyone - trying not to feel bad about it. JakB you may have hit the nail on the head- it's realising that you're never going to have those family memories... Still haven't managed to get a picture of ds1 and ds3 together.... Luckily ds2 makes up for it "can I hold my baby mummy?"

OP posts:
weightwatchingwaterwitch · 23/01/2005 20:36

I haven't read the other responses jimjams but you are SO far from mean! Please ignore anyone's negative responses, I really think it'll do you a world of good. Anyone who is negative either tell them to fuck off or let thme come and do a week in your shoes and then see what they think. Good on you. Enjoy.