How to help DS now he's realising how different he is

[Sprogonthetyne]

DS is 9 and autistic. Some would call him high functioning, though it doesn't always feel that way (not trying to offend anyone, I totally understand he's lucky to be less affected then some)

The problem we're currently facing is that he's impacted to the extent that his life looks very different to his peers, but over the last few months he's got to the stage where he is self aware enough to fully understand that difference and hates the fact he can't make himself "be normal"

A few issues were currently

School Christmas play - it's overstimulating and he ends up crying or walking out every time they try to include him in rehearsal. The school then took him out of the play and now he's upset at been left out. It's not that he wants to do the play, he understands why he can't. What he wants is to have the kind of brain that would allow him to do it easily, like his friends can.

Feeling bad about acting out - he's alway struggled with impulsive behaviour, like ripping up his work if he finds it tricky or gets something wrong. He genuinely can't control it sometimes, but now instead for doing it and moving on, he's worrying over it and getting so angry at himself that he tips himself into full blown meltdown (crying, running away, occasionally hitting out when stopped from running), which he then feels even worse about afterwards, so small mistakes are massively snowballing.

There's been lots of things like that recently and we can deal with each thing individually as it comes up. But what I'm looking for is ideas to help him deal with the underlying frustration and accept himself.

@Sprogonthetyne

Our son did not really come to understand about his autism until he was much older than your son, but the effects of it on him were just as devastating. My heart broke the day he told one therapist that he was ashamed of being autistic as it caused so many problems for us. (At the time we were in a long drawn out and stressful battle with the LA for an EHCP and a specialist placement).

What helped our son was CBT and counselling with a therapist who was experienced in dealing with people with autism. We had to wait 8 months for her because I insisted that whoever he saw had to understand autism, but she was well worth it.

She was absolutely fantastic as she dealt with all the stuff that had plagued him from childhood and been issues for a long time. Since then they have no longer bothered him. He also acquired an understanding of his condition and learnt strategies to cope with his difficulties. This contributed to his increasing confidence and higher self esteem.

Having been in MS education right through school, when he was 21 he went to a specialist college for high functioning students with autism. It helped being with other students who were also autistic and had similar difficulties to him.

You might find these organisations helpful:

Mind - https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helplines/

Young Minds (who can provide advice and support both to parents and directly to children or young people) - https://youngminds.org.uk/

National Autistic Society Directory lists local autism and ADHD support services (autism.org.uk).

With regards to the school play, surely the school can do something to include him even if it's only a token walk on part towards the end?

Thank you for responding, it's great to hear from someone else who's been through it (though not actually great that you loverly boy has had to go through these feelings aswell). We were lucky to get his EHCP sorted when he was quite young, he attends an ARP and spends half his day with the mainstream class and half with other sen kids, so he is seeing representation, but increasingly seem to feel he doesn't really belong in either group. I've always made an effort to talk openly about his autism since he was diagnosed at 5, because I didn't want it to feel like a big thing if I waited to tell him, bit it feels like in the last few months he's gone from knowing about it, to actually understanding what it means.

After emailing/taking to 4 different people at school, the play is sorted. His year group are narrating (one line each), while the year below act out, so they all effectively have the same part, and it would be very obvious to DS if his was different to the other 59 kids. I had to be quite clear that having him stand on stage but not do anything wasn't actually including him, but they have now given him a line (4 words) which he's happy with (when not giving me side eye for being mean and making him practice). He'll spend the proformance flapping and hate every minute of it, but on balance, hate it less then being left out. That's the thing, I can fire-fight every situation as it occurs, but until I can help him to accept himself, it's going to be a string of issues every time he can't do something (or can but finds it noticeable harder or needs suport).

I'll check out the links, he is on the waiting list for CBT, but as with everything CAMHS, it's a long wait, so feeling lost with what to do in the mean time.

If DS requires CBT, it needs to be in F of the EHCP and therefore you don’t need to sit on the normal waiting list or be subject to the limits of what CAMHS will typically provide.

Has DS tried any special needs clubs outside of school? They don't work for everyone, but for those they do work for, they can find it helpful to be around other autistic DC outside of school - some find it helps with them accepting and understanding themselves.