I can't parent my ADHD child

[Blackdogsofnovember]

Hi, here on a new username.
My son is 6, 7 at Easter. He's in Y2 and is academically talented. He's our only child. We are on the ADHD assessment pathway but considering a private diagnosis as the local authority is inundated by a huge backlog, but overall everyone agrees he has ADHD. it's been apparent for years.

He's incredibly challenging, and we have to literally drag him to school daily. He shouts, screams, bites, kicks, calls us stupid, told me he wished I was dead (infront of horrified parents). He pinches other kids, slaps their bum (playfully, but still), runs off - many times onto a busy road. We've had few near accidents.

We have tried everything. I have read books, I got a kid's counsellor. I've tried techniques, active hobbies, sensory stuff, the lot. Other people see my child and think I'm a horrible parent because I can't control him. And I can't. He's quite big and strong, and in the middle of a tantrum, no one can get through to him. School is horrific. Every day the teacher reels off a list of stuff he has done. I've come to dread the words "X's mum, can we just have a word?"

Please someone tell me it will get better. Because every day life is just hell right now. We get a few nice moments, he will come for a cuddle or a kiss, and then blow up because I didn't turn my head fast enough to look at something he was pointing. Im so, so tired, and so on edge all the time

You are not a horrible parent.

For diagnosis, have you looked at right to choose?

For support in school, does DS have an EHCP? What support is the school providing? What have they already tried that hasn’t worked? What outside agencies have they involved? If school life was easier, home life would improve too. Dragging DS into school is likely to cause further trauma.

Have you considered reins or an SN buggy? Would driving to school be possible? If the school has a car park, you could ask to park there even if they don’t normally let parents. Would dropping at a quieter entrance 5/10 mins early or late help?

For home, has DS had a home OT assessment?

Have you looked at social care assessments? A carer’s assessment for you and an assessment of DS’s needs. On their website, Contact has model letters you can use. Also look at your local short breaks offer.

They are more likely to be meltdowns rather than tantrums.

thank you so much for your reply and reassurance - I didn't get a notification of this message for some reason but I appreciate the reply.

No echp assessment - school told us it is unlikely to be successful before my son is 7 (which is soon though). However, I am considering a private ADHD assessment. They have tried all the standard stuff like wiggle seats, fidget toys etc but they haven't been very helpful. The teacher seems quite strict, and DC is contantly on time out. I have met the SEND lead but they seem complitely inundated. I waited 5 weeks just for a meeting.

No home OT assessment, but I was only told about this recently so we are looking into it now.

We lilve close to the school, and do not have a car (central London) so driving isn't really feasible - plus we often walk through the park which lets him blow off some active steam before school. But the impulsivity is a real problem.

I've asked for anoter meeting with the school now, hoping for more input from them

The school is fobbing you off about an EHCP. You can request an EHCNA yourself. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use. Appeal if refused. Time out is unlikely to work. At your meeting, remind the school they must make their best endeavours to meet DS’s SEN. Wobble cushions and fidget toys are really basic. There are other things they could try. Have they asked any outside agencies for advice?

I would look at reins or a wheelchair/SN buggy.

I realise OP, you are waiting for an ADHD assessment; but as and when you get one (and I’d suggest you try Right to Choose), ask about medication?

DGD was assessed at 7y 2m under RTC, and the consultant child psychiatrist told DS, they don’t always recommend medication at her age, because of the drawbacks; but he felt DGC was so severe, he recommended it.

DD2 was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, and she chose to take medication. It improved her concentration at work, the fidgeting, the impulsivity and emotional volatility. We could see it wearing off, by the evenings, as those traits re-emerged!

Hi OP. I really feel for you. I have been where you are, feeling like the worst parent in the world. To be honest I found the whole process of assessment very validating as a parent. Our DS is 8 and in year 3 and we received an ADHD diagnosis a few weeks ago. Our son is not really an issue in school (aside from being very squirmy/ lacks focus/ some social issues) but the meltdowns are extreme and it is exhausting, I know.

We were assessed with RTC and the process from start to finish was 8 months which I didn't think was too bad. Definitely worth looking into that and applying for an EHCP needs assessment yourself. What behaviour are the school complaining to you about, and what are they putting in place to address it? They need to start thinking proactively rather than just issuing sanctions.