Can't do this anymore

[Stressedoutmummyof3]

I feel awful saying this but I can't do it anymore. I can't keep being mum to my children. I love them all so much but my two youngest are much hard work. 5 year old is autistic and he just doesn't sleep. He wants to go to bed at a normal time (he's non verbal but will take us by the hand, take us to his room and lie on the bed) but then doesn't sleep. Bounces on his bed, throws bedding off the bed, runs around his room. We're lucky if he's asleep before 11. Then he wakes at least once a night and still is up before 6.
He's become very hard work, so I'm sure he is tired. Over an hour to eat breakfast, had to get my husband to come home as I just couldn't cope (DH has taken him to school now).
Second youngest is 17 and also autistic. She's been coping really well lately but last night had a screaming/crying meltdown but wouldn't tell me what was wrong, even after spending time talking. She started to get angry so I left it
I can not do it. It looks pathetic written down but my head is banging and I'm just so depressed.
DS will be home at 1 (just had his hours reduced by school) and 17 year old about the same time. I just want to run away. What sort of shit mum dreads her kids coming home. I don't want to be here anymore.
I just applied for part time work. Well that's not going to happen now. Literally nothing to look forward to and no chance of doing anything for myself.

Don’t feel awful. Most mums have these thoughts and feelings at some point I’m sure.

Can you speak to your GP? I’ve heard of some kids being prescribed melatonin to help with sleep. You might also benefit from some mental health support/anxiety medication.

Is your son in mainstream education? Could you look at a specialist school that’s more suitable for him and that he could do
a full day in?

First thing im going to say is speak to your GP hun, you need some sort of MH support. And secondly your feelings are very VALID! Its fucking hard having disabled children.

I have a 6 year old autistic child and a 3 year old child with complex needs and its hard work, and absolutely exhausting. Is your child on melatonin? If you havent got to that point, try magnesium it works best absorbed into the skin (it can help with sleep, but takes a week or so to kick in) get the oil and rub on his wee legs every night.

But again I just want to reiterate your feelings are valid, anyone in the same position would be lying if they said they didnt find it tough. I was in the same boat as you around 2 years ago. I just could not cope anymore and I reached out to social services (they will NOT take your children away) but they will help get you support.

You aren’t shit. You are overwhelmed and that is nothing to be ashamed of.

Does DS take anything to help with sleep?

Does DS have an EHCP? Why is he on a part-time timetable? If DS turned 5 before September, is alternative provison in place?

Have you looked at school transport?

Have you had social care assessments? A carer’s assessment for you and assessment by the disabled children’s team for DC. Also look at your local short breaks offer.

It is more likely DD couldn’t tell you what was wrong than wouldn’t tell you.

Some people find counselling &/or antidepressants help.