Hello, hoping someone can help me. Sorry it's long, just trying to explain and not drip-feed.
Disclaimer: son is undiagnosed but nursery have noticed his different behaviours/social & emotional developmental delays and we are waiting from someone from the council to do an observation. I haven't been to the GP yet about him but will do soon I think. I should say as well that I'm pretty sure I'm autistic (autistic burnout earlier this year, waiting for an assessment) and DH had support with additional needs when at school and uni. Also, DS is still in a cot even though he can climb out, we have a bed for him which we are planning on replacing it with next week. He's dropped his nap but still very much needs his sleep, so bedtimes are usually when he's over-tired.
DS turned 3 in August and although he's always had a slight Daddy preference, this has ramped up to the point where he would scream and scream if I did his dinner, took him to the toilet, etc. and I'd have to work hard with distraction, being funny etc. to stop the meltdown. DH and I always used to do bath together and then one of us do the actual story+turning light off, but DS developed so many rituals with getting into the bath/getting out of the bath (wanting Mummy to hold the towel (never Daddy), wanting Mummy to hold the nappy so Daddy could help him 'jump' in, wanting Daddy to do teeth (never Mummy) we decided to change things so that one of us 'goes out' and the other one does the whole bath+bedtime routine. He was fine with saying goodnight to me, but would never say goodnight to DH who would have to slip away quietly while I distracted enough to avoid a meltdown.
The last few nights where it's been my turn to do bedtime, he has refused and screamed so much it's completely stressed me out and I can't cope, I just crumple. Sometimes he's curled up into a ball on the sofa downstairs and screamed 'I WANT DADDY' repeatedly - so refusing to go upstairs at all, until after probably 15 minutes where I had to bribe him with a new toy in the bath or come up with some convoluted way to go up the stairs (me counting the lights and getting them wrong). Other times it's been refusing to get out of the bath or even into the bath, just not looking at me or listening to me, endlessly screaming - this happened last week and I had to call DH on the phone to say if he got undressed then he would come see him, which he did, then when DH tried to leave he started screaming again to the point where I just had to pick him up and take him into the bedroom.
Two nights ago we tried Daddy staying until after teeth, but he refused to let DH go and then had a meltdown when he did leave, so once again I had to pick him up and put him into the bedroom and eventually I just put him into the cot where he cried himself to sleep.
However, around four weeks ago, DH went on holiday and I did three bedtimes on my own, and DS was absolutely fine.
Should we do something ridiculous where DS physically sees DH walking out of the house so he knows he's not around? Though this may not even stop the screaming. Or would it be ok that one parent does all the bedtimes and the other does all the mornings?