Canvassing opinions on tricky situation with my Aspergers child at a party

[MsDemeanor]

Hi, my son (I'll call him B) is six, is very bright and has Aspergers and is pretty eccentric but not cruel or mean. Today he went to his best friend's (A) birthday party in a sort of wildlife park. They are very close, can be silly together but absolutely love each other, so it was an important party for him. Another child at the party (S) used to go to nursery with him, has always disliked him, used to push him on the stairs etc. Early at the party I overheard him to say to A while my son was right next to him, 'Come on, let's go and play without B because he's just stupid and nobody wants to play with him'. S's mum was there so I didn't know what to do. I knew A liked my son best, so wouldn't leave him to play with other kids, so thought I'd leave it. Right at the end of the party I heard howling, my heart sank, and S had soaking wet trousers and was crying, saying that my ds had pushed him into a pond. The pond is a weedy but pretty shallow. I went ballistic at ds, brought him straight home, apologised to S's mum and S, told ds to apologise (he was really crying at this point) and then he was told to stay in his room and was put to bed with no stories (this is very important part of the day for him). He's also had huge lectures about the danger of water, how horrible it would have been for S, was prevented from going to another, later, party.
However, ds says S continued to torment him during the party, telling him he was 'embarrassing everyone' by singing and stuff like that.
What should I have done differently? I do follow him around a lot but I had another younger child at the party too. I feel I should have intervened when I heard S being mean to ds so maybe things would not have escalated, but felt awkward because of S's mum being there. I was partly so angry with him because I felt so embarrassed, and as if this once again made me stand out as the mum with the bad/crazy kid! Also frustrated that I couldn't relax and enjoy the sunny afternoon.
Sorry this is so long, but would be grateful for other people's perspectives on this.

Thank you. I can see it was hard for him. I am blaming myself for the situation at the moment. I hardly ever see S's mum. Was surprised to see her at the party actually, as we have (unsurprisingly!) lost contact. She knows the birthday boy's mum.
I want to tell everyone whose child was at the party that ds wasn't a monster, he was provoked.

All kids (esp boys) do stuff like this, so it's not just your DS. I would chat to the mum and say , although you dont in any way condone what your DS said, he has told you that the child was calling him stupid and that you can confirm that as you actually overhead one part of it. That child has the makings of a nasty little bully and I would tell the mum. I recently broached a mum about her horrible little bullying daughter in my DD's class, and though I feared a bad reaction, the mum just went pale with shock and said she'd sort it out. I feel now that maybe I have stopped that girl turning into a right old bully in secondary school, when things get so much worse. A child calling another child stupid is just as destructive to the soul as pushing into a pond is to the body.

sorry, should have written - condone what your ds DID

Hi

Firstly, I think your ds is doing great having a close friendship with AS- he sounds like a lovely little lad and you should be proud of him.

You know, boys get into scrapes like this regardless of sn (I have 4 bots, 1 tiny, 2 with asd disorders and one nt).

So I wouldn't treat the outcome as much more than a normal clash, basr as you have done addressing the safety issues.

What you might want to focus on is using social stories etc to give your lad a 'toolkit' for if this happens again- sadly, for those kids who sing / stim / etc and stand out, there will be occasions.

He needs to know that its OK and harmless, but that some people will regard it as odd, and how to deal with things before they reach crsis point.

I'm with Peachy - well done to him for having a close friend, and agree that you could maybe work on strategies for dealing with teasing/bullying.

Don't beat yourself up, though.

Ah, thank you for being so nice. I was awake in the middle of last night worrying about all this! My dh took ds to school this morning and saw the birthday boy's dad and explained that the other boy was being mean to both my son and his friend. The dad was really nice about it. I was very sad as this was ds's event of the year and felt it spoiled the day.

I have told him to tell me if someone is being mean and won't go away.
Luckily the pond is really shallow and I think ds could see that (you can easily see the bottom a few inches down) but of course I made a huge deal of how dangerous it is to push anyone even near water.

This kind of situation really bugs me. If my ds does something wrong I'm usually straight on it - stopping it/apologising/explaining etc and invariably ds and I end up feeling rubbish. Whereas a lot of people go through parties completely oblivious to the fact their child is terrorising others and yet as soon as their darling demon starts crying all hell breaks loose. I am perfecting my 'evil eyes' for this very reason.(not just for the child!)

Hi Suess, my husband, while 'pretending' to be cross (very effectively, I promise) and totally backing me up, said he was delighted that 'little shit' had had his comeuppance. He's very protective of ds. I had no idea the boy was there and was quite shocked. He used to pick on ds even when they were both about three, and tried to push him down the stairs at nursery quite often. He hadn't changed

lol 'pretending to be cross' - been there!

See it's alright for that nasty little boy to go around trying to push people downstairs but when my ds gets a bit wild and starts shouting things people look at him like he's about to slay them all with a machine gun - when infact he is no more likely to push/kick anyone than the next over-excited child. v. annoying!

I know, it is upsetting. If the kid seems 'normal' - ie does karate kicks and is manipulative, they seem to get away with murder, whereas our kids can't help but stand out and so get all the blame when things go wrong. Well, it feels like that anyway.

Ah I know what you mean.

i'd be the first to admit my ds12 has severe aggression issues as part of his DX, but so often he is manipulated into it by more-evil little ones, they know ds1 hasn't the gumption to realise what's happening and thinks they're all his friends when they're really quite nasty to him.

then he gets in trouble.

And the mums think ds1 is the bad'un!

And how i'm supposed to teach ds1 at home not to hit when his classmates are (wait for this) paying him (he has a cash obsession) to hit each other....

I've had that problem where I've warned DS we will go home from soft play if he hits and generally been watching him like a hawk and the next minute half a dozen kids pile on the bouncy castle and start 'play fighting' whilst there folks relax with a coffee. Classmates paying your ds to hit though is just madness - don't know where you start with that one!

Bloody hell Peachy! That's awful!

Message withdrawn

Peachy - did the school stop it? These situations happen a lot - ds was often asked by other children to do things he shouldn't (no saint but too naive to realise) just to get him into trouble (or the boys avoid it)- they knew he did not have enough language to give them away! Do girls do these things too?
Ds can communicate better now and his accounts of some of his early school experiences are illuminating!!
Misdemeanor - I can sympathise! Ds and I have had many similarly painful episodes - often later to find that other childrens nasty or unkind behaviour was the underlying problem. It is so hard to know what to teach our children to do in bullying or aggressive situations!
I think you dealt with it well.

school have some good schemes in place, they're struggling a bit with a few things not because of ds1 but another kid who has issues its true, the bggest of which is a family who justlet him get on with it, think terminator is equivalent to c-beebies etc.... 'fortunately' this kid may be helped in a way that spins off well for ds, as hi dad is talking of taking him away from his mentally ill Mum when he remarries and emigrates.

So whilst I get grrrr at his Mum I do feel very sorry for her at, tht her (I think) bi-polar is going to lose her son