Please or to access all these features

SN children

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on special needs.

6 year old getting violent

7 replies

Sunflower1650 · 15/08/2025 21:34

6 year old DS has a diagnosis of autism and dyspraxia. I do believe he also has ADHD but he passed the QB test so paediatrician would not diagnose. As time goes on he’s getting more and more aggressive when he doesn’t get his own way. As an example, this evening he was playing his Nintendo switch. I told him he’d got 10 minutes left to play, then 5 minutes. We use sand timers which usually work quite well. Tonight he just wouldn’t accept it was time to get ready for bed once the timer ran out and smacked me over the head with his Nintendo switch and scratched my arms. Over the last few days I have been kicked and hit numerous times, one time I actually ended up on the floor. He is tall for his age, 91st centile and it’s not going to be many more years before he can overpower me which I find terrifying. I thought I was good at identifying his triggers but lately he just kicks off if he isn’t doing exactly what he wants to do. We talk about his behaviour when he’s calm and regulated and he understands it’s wrong and is remorseful but as soon as he gets angry he completely loses control. I also have a 2 year old who gets very distressed during his violent episodes and shouts “stop hurting my mama” :(. My instinct is to take away his Switch/screens as punishment but often these are the only things that keeps him regulated in the first place. What do I do?

OP posts:
flawlessflipper · 15/08/2025 22:55

I think there are different ways to go about this depending on what works for you/DS. What is right for one isn’t for others.

I would keep a diary to spot triggers. I know you said the trigger is not doing what he wants but there may be an underlying trigger that a diary brings to the fore. The change in routine with the school holidays may be contributing or increasing anxiety as school approaches again.

Some find low demand/PDA strategies works for them - for some this includes changing the language they use - looking at declarative language might help if you go down that route. Others find non-violent resistance resources works for them. If you haven’t already, The Explosive Child and the Out of Sync Child book helpful.

What support is DS receiving?

Personally, I wouldn’t remove the Nintendo completely.

BertieBotts · 15/08/2025 23:51

I would remove the switch for a short period of time (e.g. one day) just as a token thing because I think it's important to have a clear consequence for violence, and because aside from hurting you which is obviously not OK, he could easily break the console if he's using it as a violent implement.

Is the switch actually regulating him, or is it just making him happy/stop shouting in the moment? If he can't transition off it calmly, then it might not be doing what you think it's doing.

Are you in the UK? QB testing should only ever form part of a diagnostic battery, it is not a standalone diagnostic test.

Lesley25 · 16/08/2025 16:12

I actually wouldn’t remove devices he uses, they form part of his regulation, it’s what I do with my son.
the diary’s important, I found verbal
and visual count downs actually heightened
my son so used signs like 5 fingers held up for minutes.

Sunflower1650 · 17/08/2025 18:34

@flawlessflipper thank you for the advice, I will start the diary. I also have both of those books but just haven’t gotten around to reading them yet. I definitely need to look into PDA a bit more. It’s just all so exhausting when I’m feeling so burnt out myself. I also have another 3 year old DS with autism and it’s relentless. I have been smacked 8 times today and I feel like I spend my whole time treading on eggshells. As for support, we don’t really get any. We have been referred to Compass by his school and they have offered me a 6 week parenting course on maintaining regulation but they won’t work directly with him because he’s too young. I explained his aggression to his paediatrician but she discharged us and said she couldn’t help further.

OP posts:
Sunflower1650 · 17/08/2025 18:42

@BertieBotts i assume it does regulate him because when he’s very agitated or upset screen time/playing Switch does seem to calm him and resets him. But it also seems to be the root cause of a lot of his meltdowns so I’m really not sure, such as when something goes wrong on the game he’s playing.
As for the QB test, on his assessment forms school raised concerns around his concentration/attention however I raised concerns around both attention and hyperactivity and impulse control. So he was referred for the QB test however his results didn’t show issue with either attention or hyperactivity, so the paediatrician couldn’t diagnose him. Frustratingly, a few weeks after the test school asked me to go in for a meeting with the SENCO, they said his behaviour had escalated, non stop chatting, interrupting, fidgeting and wandering around. They said they were very surprised that he was not diagnosed with ADHD. But even if down the line we attempted to get him assessed again now that he passed the QB test I don’t see how he’d ever get diagnosed

OP posts:
flawlessflipper · 17/08/2025 18:43

Support wise you can request an EHCNA for DS1 (and maybe DS2) yourself. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use. An EHCP can provide far more support, including therapeutic support.

When school restarts, request a meeting with the SENCO. They should be providing support.

You can request social care assessments. A carer’s assessment for you and an assessment of DS1’s needs (and maybe DS2 depending on his needs). On their website, Contact has model letters you can use.

Also have a look at your local short breaks offer.

Check if Home Start has anyone in your area who could support you.

Don’t feel you have to do it all at once. Or obviously any of it if you don’t want to.

BertieBotts · 17/08/2025 23:40

Russell Barkley is a world class ADHD expert and he says those tests are not meant to be used for diagnosis of ADHD, they are just one aspect. So I think if you decided to look for a second opinion you could have this taken into account. More info here:

I find that for my DS some screen time can be regulating, especially if it is redirecting him from a situation which is getting too much for him, or providing a break/some familiarity and control for him after something which was challenging, but if he has too much then it overstimulates him, or I think what happens is that when he's so focused on the game it causes him to be less aware of his other body signals e.g. toilet need, hunger, wanting to move around etc, as well as emotions building up. It's all a bit of a trial and error process really, but with my older son, before I knew anything about ADHD and regulation etc I was really concerned that I didn't want him to be one of those teenagers who punch holes in walls because of frustration about a game, so we had a very clear hard line about violence/anger around the game and we used to stop it completely. I don't have a lot of hard lines in general but that was one and it did seem to really build a whole clear line around games are only going to work if you take a break, rather than continue to that point of uncontrollable frustration.

For my DS who is this age now, I did start removing a small amount of screen time as a consequence for violent/unsafe behaviour - I avoided doing this for ages because I felt what happens in a meltdown shouldn't be a discipline issue, but I noticed that it was only ever me, or his younger brother that he would hit. No matter how frustrated he was with DH, he would never hit him. And it's not like he's afraid - DH is generally calmer and more gentle than me! So I surmised that on some level, he felt it was acceptable to hit us and not to hit DH. And honestly, since I made that decision and when I do enforce it, it makes a big difference and I don't feel that he's more dysregulated overall, but it has much reduced the scenarios where I get overwhelmed in response back to him, which probably does help with overall regulation. And it's made things better for my youngest.

I don't threaten/warn in the moment because I don't honestly expect it to change his behaviour at that point. It makes it feel like a weapon I'm using against him, which is just likely to cause him to fight back more - I still just do de-escalation in the moment. I just made it clear in general which behaviours are considered unsafe and not acceptable and I would inform him about the consequence afterwards. But that also means that I can just remove a small amount, because I don't need him to be scared of it because I'm not trying to use it for behaviour control in the moment. It's really more of a token thing to back up what I'm saying about hitting not being OK.

I do appreciate that if you don't have other tools for him to regulate with then the prospect of taking away screen time might feel counterproductive, but I think maybe because we've always had it as a time limited thing in the first place, I don't feel that we are reliant on screen time as a tool and therefore we can have some rules and conditions attached to it and at least for our family, that seems to help it be more of a positive force overall rather than a drain. I know everyone's situation is different and you have to do what works for you and yours. x

- YouTube

Enjoy the videos and music that you love, upload original content and share it all with friends, family and the world on YouTube.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nVCDflvwkE8

New posts on this thread. Refresh page