How should I react when DD is screaming?

[AnonymousMum37]

DD9 is autistic and her meltdowns are LOUD. Think, actually screaming at full pelt, shouting as loud as she can and high pitched repetitive screaming noises.

I am not talking about the odd screech, I'm talking about my smart watch giving decibel warnings designed for music festival goers! And friends and family who are present visibly wincing and making excuses to leave.

I have recently noticed I am struggling to hear in everyday situations. I think it has been affected by her regular screaming, which is worrying me, and as a result I am especially triggered at the moment when she screams.

Tonight I have managed to keep myself calm outwardly, but in doing so she feels I don't care about her being upset, as I present as very blank and unaffected, almost "grey rock" like you would an abusive partner.

I verbally tell her that I love her and I care but I cannot cope with the noise and I need her to stop/I need to walk away.

This just doesn't work and she screams more than I don't care. In reality I am struggling to keep my nervous system from bubbling over into either running away, or crying/shouting back. It takes a huge amount of energy to control my fight or flight impulses when she is so overwhelming.

I don't know how I can react that would help rather than hinder things. I try to address things upstream and avoid the screaming but too often it seems she reaches that point. So I need a way to respond that validates her feelings but ideally can diffuse quickly and minimise the damage. Thank you .

My ds doesn’t do this so I’m not an expert but have a few thoughts.

Firstly get yourself some Loop earplugs (or similar), they do lots of different types. This will save your hearing and allow you to still be near her when she is in crisis mode, if she needs that.

Is the screaming only when she’s in meltdown or does she also do it at other times as a stim?

I need a way to respond that validates her feelings but ideally can diffuse quickly and minimise the damage. Thank you

This is the holy grail, isn’t it. I don’t think such a thing exists. Best you can do is take an ABC type log and then make changes to accommodate her needs better: avoiding certain social situations, lowering demands, whatever it might be.

DS is like this - screaming so loudly that it’s painful and I’m actually worried about the police turning up!

I have earplugs and loops, and use those to block out the worst of it. I already have damaged hearing and constant tinnitus so trying to protect what I have left. DH takes his hearing aids out! 😂 DD leaves and finds a quieter room.

In the moment, telling him to be quieter either has no effect or makes it worse. So I either carry on without mentioning it, or distract and hope it will stop.

When calm I do say that it hurts our ears and that it may also damage his own ears, but he really doesn’t seem to be able to take that on board.

When DD is more regulated, can she communicate what would help her?

What helps varies child to child. For example, some find big hugs to give the sensory feedback they need help, but for others, that makes it worse.

It might help to look at rejection sensitive dysphoria. Your grey rock technique could well be making DD feel rejection. My DS1 is very sensitive to facial expressions. If you don’t look smiley (i.e. overtly happy) he thinks you are sad or angry with him. It is exhausting.

I second a diary or ABC chart or similar to spot triggers. It isn’t easy, but it is easier to prevent escalation than try to deescalate once DC have reached the point of no return.

Is DD receiving any support? Do you have any sensory equipment?

Some people find the books The Explosive Child and the Out of Sync Child helpful. Others find PDA strategies or non-violent resistance resources useful.

Our DD really struggled with facial expressions too and is the same. Unless you are actively smiling she thinks you are either cross eith her or being rude.

@BunnyRuddington it is exhausting plastering an over the top smile on all the time, isn’t it?

Absolutely. Especially when she’s stressed as she can be horrifically rude or cruel or more often both at the same time.