Early Help? SS? Struggling to manage with my 4 year olds behaviour.

[13MAPARTHELL]

My 4 year old is extremely difficult to handle, he struggles with compulsion to control situations, he will not tolerate any form of boundaries, hes extremely unregulated and has a severe lack of empathy with deliberate emotional weaponising.

I suffer with ADHD, my partner is extremely calm as a person, and he is completely pushed to his edge and we are struggling to find a way to take a step back and not lose our temper to breaking points.

For example, If I say, please do not ask me for a snack again, or please stop saying mummy for a moment as mummy is upset right now, he will say it more and then some.

If I say, do not run into the road, he will further run into the road, despite reaction or non reaction.

He will harm his brother, and laugh while he cries, and even if very fiercely told off, he will cry and then within seconds uncontrollably laugh & when trying to talk to him calmly about why, he will say, because he thinks its funny to hurt people and make them sad.

he was referred to CAHMS in April
he was referred to ASD assess at 2
he was not put through for ASD due to nursery masking
he is now awaiting right to chose ASD

He may have ADHD, but unfortunately he is still too young, which is really frustrating for us as a family.

I do not have a soul in terms of support in the week, and the weekends are absolutely awful with two burnt out parents.

There is simply no end of escape to the button pushing, and its all in how we mentally cope, it’s extremely difficult, he will ask for a snack upwards of 150 times a day, from 6am & will steal, harm until he gets what he wants there is absolutely no stopping him, even a simple ‘not right now, in 10 minutes, timer etc’ will send him into meltdown, imagine that 100 times a day.

I am just not sure what I can do anymore

I would request social care assessments. On their website, Contact has model letters you can use. Also look at your local short breaks offer.

If they are in your area, you could also look at Home Start.

If DS runs into the road, do you have reins &/or a buggy?

Has DS had an OT assessment? Including a sensory OT assessment and a home OT assessment.

Have you looked at requesting an EHCNA?

Is DS starting school in September? If so, have you spoken to the SENCO about what support they will put in place?

Some people find the books The Explosive Child and the Out of Sync Child helpful. Some find PDA strategies or non-violent resistance resources useful.

To me it sounds more adhd than ASD (I have adhd kid)

in certain scenarios you can get a diagnosis from the age of 5 https://www.adhdcentre.co.uk/adhd-for-children/assessment-for-children/

personally i would go privately to a kids psychiatrist, there are many ways they can help

I can't advise on how to get support, but in terms of coping, how are your weekends and evenings structured as a family?

Do you and your partner each get one to one time with his brother (possibly out of the house) to give both the adults and his brother a break from the situation?

Can you and your partner carve out even a tiny bit of time that you each get properly to yourselves? Perhaps it's possible for one parent to manage both children for half an hour or an hour (with screen time if required!) whilst the other nips out for a walk or a coffee? Or if brother is old enough, perhaps one takes brother to a club or class and gets a wee break whilst brother does the class?

You have my sympathy I am going through very similar. We’re waiting for a ASD assessment in October hopefully. He is also speech delayed and has communication difficulties. My plan over 6 weeks holidays is to focus on sorting this behaviour to an extent. I am going to try to notice potential triggers before it happens, watch my tone annd be firm when needed and overly praise him when he’s done good. I’m taking away toys for bad behaviour. I find myself so exhausted from the rollercoaster of emotions that I forget to praise the little things. I have a baby in a pram so I can’t put him in a buggy anymore, we have a buggy board which helps but once’s he’s decided he’s running off, he’s gone. I haven’t thought of any solution to the running off, it’s so scary. I feel your pain I hope it helps to know you’re not alone and please do keep us updated

@Ellie3433 have you considered reins or double buggy? Or depending on your younger DC’s age, a single buggy for DS with a buggypod for DC2.

Think I’m going to have to get the reins out, the baby is only 3 months so laying flat in a carrycot pram. I’ve been given a baby carrier I could use so I’m handsfree, just haven’t got around to trying it yet!

I just wanted to add OP I’ve just done day one of trying to sort my DS behaviour out and it’s working, we have made small progress. He cannot have two way conversations but he has some understanding of consequences. He hit me twice first thing so I implemented my plan and he didn’t try it all day. I gave him huge praise and got him to help me with lots of daily tasks I’d normally do alone like filling the cold water steriliser up. I hope you are doing okay and please do keep us updated x

@Ellie3433 if the sling doesn’t work for you and a normal double buggy isn’t suitable for DC1, there are specialist doubles that would be. Expensive - you could look for a grant, but that would take time. A cheaper option would be to persevere until 6 months-ish then look at a SN buggy that is compatible with the buggypod - e.g. Special Tomato jogger, Special Tomato EIO, Maclaren Major.

This is amazing, I’d never heard of these before. Thank you!

ODD symptoms and my little boy are uncanny!

I agree thank you for you for your advice.

Thank you for this great advice.

its so concerning, I smacked his bum quite hard when he was a violent frenzy, unprovoked & i dont do this ever, but I lost all patience & used this as a shock I guess, it just happened so fast & he cried for a second and then again started to manically laugh.

last week, i was sat talking to my brother and he ran and punched me in the face, he was happy as anything, his need for power is really intense.

he also mocks us frequently, with strange facial expressions.

we are struggling with getting the right support, i self referred to early help yesterday & he always had concerning behaviours, as a baby he was extremely strange with strangers, he would go to anyone, sit with them for as long as wanted to, he seemed to have no connection to who his parents were. He started attacking me in a frenzied way from 18 months, not your standard child who hits sometimes, but the health visitor was shocked, id be crying and he would go insane attacking me

For some, everything you describe can be part of how ND conditions present. No, not all, but for some it can. For example, the need for power and control can be how some with PDA profiles present. The manically laughing after being told off can be part of how some present as a coping mechanism - for some, it doesn’t mean a lack of empathy, quite the opposite and it is a demonstration of discomfort, anxiety, fear, tension, confusion, etc. It can be self preservation.

Whatever the cause, DS needs comprehensive assessment by multiple HCPs and you both need further support because smacking DS will not help. He needs an EHCNA requesting, social care assessments, home OT assessment, medical assessment (personally, I wouldn’t be accepting ODD or personality disorder diagnosis at this point).

Any update OP?

I’ve been consistent with my plan for a week now and we’ve made more improvements. He’s still hitting me, but less and he now hits me, then looks shocked, rubs the area he’s hit and says “Kind hands” So I assume all the times he hit me, and I held him saying “We don’t hit, we use kind hands” while trying to get eye contact (suspected ASD so it’s hard) he was actually taking it in without me realising. So he’s showing me now he recognises hitting is wrong by his facial expression now, so My next step would be to cut the hitting down / get rid of it completely. I managed to avoid a complete meltdown at the train station yesterday- he normally wants to RUN up the ramp to the platform which as you can imagine is not good. He has a screaming meltdown as I don’t let him. I managed to make it into a game where he lets me go first and he chases BEHIND me. That way I can grab him easily when we get near the platform. It’s bloody hard.

thank you, im glad you found something that works.

we do incorporate things like this, its the more the rage so he very much knows you are doing things differently, still going against what he initially intended to, which then becomes a new battle. He is extremely switched on, theres almost no fooling him, all he sees or hears is ‘this is different to what I wanted’

Update!!

early help came after I begged!

they were here for 1 hour more than anticipated & said this is one of the most complex cases they have seen in a while. They said he seems to have ASD/ADHD/ODD/PDA main traits all together, and he requires alot of support, so hopefully we will get some kind of help!

Oh wow I am so pleased to hear they came round and helped. This is a brilliant outcome and the start of your journey. Describing what they think he may have, makes perfect sense now from the behaviour you described. I’m glad the balls rolling now. How are you feeling?