Hi everyone,
I’m posting here in the hope that someone might understand what I’m going through, because I feel completely broken and alone.
My 9-year-old son is autistic with a strong PDA profile. Until recently, he lived with me under a court order. We’ve always been really close. He struggles with school and really masks there, which can cause some explosive behaviour at home. I’ve worked hard to create a low-demand, emotionally safe home where he feels understood. But also trying to balance the needs of his siblings too.
He used to regularly refuse to see his dad, but something shifted recently. His dad (my ex) now gives him almost total freedom, and unlimited screens, no bedtime, electric scooters and a motorbike, no expectations at all. After a recent boundary I set (about not allowing the motorbike at our house it really isn’t safe!), he refused to come back from contact. It’s now been over a week.
He still answers occasional calls, reads my messages maybe after a day or so. But he also tells me not to come to school events/ football etc. not to contact him. It’s really hard to balance not pressuring him with the pain of being cut off from my own child. I miss him so much.
His dad has a history of abusive behaviour towards me, and while he’s not overtly blocking contact, he certainly isn’t encouraging him to come home. My son looks exhausted in the short time I saw him on the phone.
Has anyone been through this? A child refusing to return, possibly being manipulated with “freedom”? Do they come back? What helped? I know PDA means he craves these things but surely you cannot say yes to everything in his life? It’s not possible. I’m sending him messages everyday to just let him know I’m thinking of him.
Thank you for reading. I feel like I’m drowning most days and just don’t know what to do. My whole life has been built around his needs and now he’s gone.
x