4yo biting at nursery again and i dunno what to do

[Chattymum23]

hi all, first post so go easy pls. not sure if this is the right board but my 4yo (boy) has been sent home from nursery again for biting. it’s the third time in 2 weeks.

they say he just runs up and bites without warning but he dont do that at home? he’s full on yeah and has proper meltdowns over stuff like toast being wrong or someone touching his toys, but he’s not nasty.

staff say they might not let him come back if it keeps happening. i’m gutted tbh. i feel like i’ve done something wrong but i’m trying my best. i’ve got 3 other boys and pregnant again and honestly feel like i’m drowning most days.

someone said he might be neurodiverse (think that’s the word?) and now i’m spiralling. how do you even get help? i can’t cope with forms and no one tells you anything.

any advice or if anyone’s been thru similar would be appreciated. just feel like crap and everyone thinks i’m a rubbish mum.

ta if you got this far xx

What type of nursery is this? And is DS being formally suspended each time?

It isn’t unusual for DC to behave differently in different settings.

Speak to the nursery. What support are they providing? Who said DS might be neurodiverse (and by that do they mean autistic specifically)? The nursery or GP will be able to refer. Have you spoken to the HV? Most support is based on needs rather than diagnosis so the nursery doesn’t need to wait to support DS.

Biting can sometimes be related to unmet sensory needs &/or anxiety. Does DS show any other signs of either?

Is DS starting school in September?

yeah he’s meant to start reception in sept but they said they not sure now if he’s ready 😔

they a private nursery in a church hall, not proper suspension i dont think but they keep callin me to get him early or sayin dont bring him in next day if he kicks off. dunno if they can do that

one of the staff said about neurodiverse n said i should “look into it” but didn’t say how. i asked my GP but they just said speak to nursery. hv last saw him at 2 n said he was fine just “lively”

he don’t talk much to other kids and screams if its noisy or someone bumps into him. lines up toys and hates his hands dirty. dont like tags in clothes or cutlery scraping 😖

i didn’t think that was autism just thought he was quirky tbh. but now i dunno. feel stupid

not sure what support nursery are doin really they just tell me he’s bein naughty 😔

thanks for replyin means a lot xx

Speak to the SENCO at the primary school DS will be starting in September.

Speak to the nursery again. Follow up verbal conversations with emails so you have a paper trail. If the nursery thinks DS needs more support, what have they done about it? Have they contacted/referred to outside agencies? Have they requested an EHCNA? Are they in receipt of high needs top up funding?

Ask the nursery for their behaviour and exclusion policy.

Contact the GP and HV again.

It sounds like DS has sensory needs. You might find the book the Out of Sync Child and some of the suggestions in this booklet helpful. Not all areas commissions sensory OT on the NHS. If your ICB does, you can sometimes self refer. If you can’t, the nursery, HV or GP will be able to.

Please don't feel stupid or like this is your fault. You say your son doesn't do this at home, so it may be something about the nursery environment that is triggering him. It might not be something obvious.

I would ask nursery to start keeping very detailed logs about every time he bites, lashes out, or has a meltdown. Two common methods are i) ABC charts, where A = antecedent (so what's happening before), B =behaviour, C= consequence (which doesn't mean punishment but what happened next); or ii) STAR charts (situation, trigger, action, result). I think STAR is better because sometime nurseries don't realise that its because the room is noisy, or it was lunchtime, or the handdryer went off, or whatever.

Have nursery put him on their SEN register. I agree with asking for a meeting with his school for next year. I agree that he might have sensory needs - and that can point to autism sometimes, but sometimes not. Have you noticed whether he's calmer when you keep a strict routine?

My son is a biter. He's a really lovely kid, and can be incredibly sweet and kind, but its just his response when he's overwhelmed. It goes through periods of being better and worse. But I've been in the nursery meeting where they say they don't know what to try next and he's unmanageable. It felt horrible - like I was the worst mum ever. At the moment, though, my son's doing really well in a mainstream school where he's got support via an EHCP and understanding teachers.

If your son gets put on the pathway for ASD assessment, you could ask about whether your area runs the Early Bird course. It's really helpful for understanding how to meet your child's needs.