How do I worry less and enjoy this time with my kids?

[strawberrymoon7]

I was already pregnant with DS2 when we were told that DS1 (2.7) is most likely autistic at the beginning of the year. We are on the waiting list for an assessment, which will take a few years. DS has a speech delay and differences in his social communication, but he is so happy, sociable and loving – he really is a joy. I started feeling much more positive about him being autistic, but crumbled again after going through SALT assessments and his nursery's questionnaire, which of course were very deficit-focused. Hormones aren't helping, as DS2's due date is fast approaching and I feel so overwhelmed by worry – for DS1's future and also DS2, as we don't know if he'll have more profound special needs. I know that I should take it day by day and focus on the positives, but I am spiralling and just can't seem to live in the moment and enjoy my special little boy and the last weeks of my last pregnancy. These years are so precious and, more than anything, I don't want to lose them to worry and fear of the unknown. Has anyone experienced similar feelings before? How did you cope?

Two of my friends had boys, who had diagnosis and delays / issues when young and struggles with secondary schooling. One is now 27 and an I T manager, the other 24 and works in hospitality and training. Where a child starts is not a given for where they finish and too many assessments are about what a child struggles with and not what they flourish at. Enjoy your son and switch focus to the positive.

Where a child starts is not a given for where they finish and too many assessments are about what a child struggles with and not what they flourish at.

Thank you so much. This is very true! I'm happy to hear that your friends' sons are doing well.

I could have written your post OP.

My DD is a lovely happy 2.2 year old and I'm currently 4 months pregnant with no 2.
When my daughter had no words by her second birthday we referred her to a SaLT who after two sessions said that she seems 'borderline' ASD, though seems sociable with adults. I know myself she does not interact much with her peers but is happy to play alongside.
To be honest I have had an inkling since she turned 2 that this may have been coming, but can't help but beat myself up that I didn't notice the signs sooner.
Also worried about the new baby being potentially being worse than my DD and what the future will hold.

It is so difficult, especially while pregnant with the added worries and hormones! My therapist shared this image, which I have found helpful although it is easier said than done. Age two is just so sweet and I really don't want to look back at these years and regret how much time I wasted worrying about the future. Same with baby no. 2, as we likely won't know about a possible diagnosis until the toddler years. It is so hard to control though.

I wouldn't beat yourself up about not noticing the signs sooner. I think they often aren't apparent until 2+. And your daughter sounds lovely – that's great that she is sociable and happy to play alongside other kids. I think that's actually quite common for this age. A sibling could be a good thing, too. I connected with a mom whose son has ASD and she said that he is so sweet and affectionate with his little sister. There is a lot to be hopeful about.

Thanks for sharing - putting it in the 'it is what it is / out of our control' is something that DH is good at doing and is totally sensible but I've always been one to catastrophise if im honest. Though it's hard to tell if an element is hormonal!

DH did say that his DPs shared some concerns with him regarding signs they'd noticed, im not sure how long ago. Both are/were HCPs though neither qualified to diagnose. He didn't tell me as he didn't want to cause upset and wanted to wait till DD had her two year check (which she still hasnt had).

Honestly if I had known I would have seriously reconsidered a second, which makes me feel like a terrible mum. We've always wanted at least 3. I just don't want to spend their baby hood symptom spotting and as you say wasting this precious time we'll never get back with them.

My DH is the same. Definitely the more sensible approach, but I find it impossible not to dwell.

I hope you have the two-year check soon. I actually didn't even consider ASD until the health visitor mentioned that DS isn't consistently responding to his name and she's concerned. At our follow up appointment a couple months later, she said that he is much more engaged and she doesn't think he needs to be assessed, but I pushed for the referral. I'm happy I did as the two SaLTs we saw said he definitely needs to be assessed. The HV did say that even if he is autistic, who cares, he is absolutely lovely and doing well in so many ways. I've been trying to hold onto that thought!

I also would have thought long and hard before ttc if I knew. If only there was a way of knowing how things will turn out. I don't think being concerned makes you a terrible mum. It is such a huge (and badly timed!) curveball and a lot to come to terms with.