My child bit another child at school

[dshort1994]

Hi everyone,

I have a 4 year old boy on the autism pathway, he’s currently in nursery full time and due to start reception this September. He’s non verbal and he’s under the supervision of the school senco. He has frequent aggressive outbursts at home where he hits others, himself, bangs his head, digs his nails in etc. These are usually triggered by small things such as if he’s playing with a toy and the battery’s stop working or if he’s putting things in a line and something falls over. He just gets very frustrated and struggles to deal with his emotions. So far there hasn’t been any aggressive outbursts at nursery, he’s been there since September and on the whole I’ve been really proud of how he’s coped with it all. However today I was approached by his teacher at the end of the day to say he had bitten another child on the arm and left a bad mark. He was upset because he didn’t want to come off of the bikes at the end of playtime and I think the other child touched something he was playing with and it caused him to grab the other child and bite him. I’ve just felt full of anxiety since finding out, I know it isn’t his fault, he needs more help but we are still awaiting his diagnosis, his senco doesn't want to put in for the ehcp until reception and he can't get a support assistant until he has that as the school don't have enough funding. I think some of the anxiety also comes from the other childs parents finding out and being furious as I'm sure they will ask their child who bit them. I don't have a clue who it was as understandably school didn't say and my son can't tell me. I'm just feeling heartbroken for my son that this has happened, sad for the other child and hoping they are okay and also just anxious about what the other parents will say or think.

Are these normal feelings to have and has anyone else had a similar experience?

thanks xx

How you are feeling is normal. Don’t beat yourself up.

The nursery has let you and DS down. Don’t wait to request an EHCNA. Do it yourself now. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use. The nursery could have applied for early years inclusion funding if DS needed more support. Have they asked outside agencies for advice? Is DS under SALT?

Is the nursery part of the school DS will be attending? If not, have you spoken to the SENCO at the school?

Thank you for the reply. I hadn’t even heard of the EHCNA so thank you for telling me. I’ve been looking into it and it seems like it could help a lot. No he isn’t under SALT. I basically reached out to the health visitor when he was 2 with my own concerns and they referred him for an autism assessment which was accepted, now I’m just awaiting the assessment through the NHS, hopefully within the next 6 months. But from his first day at nursery he was referred to the Senco.

To be honest it’s a hard one because although he does clearly have complex needs, in the school setting he’s seemed to cope better than expected. He doesn’t speak and keeps himself to himself, he doesn’t interact with the other children at all, I’ve witnessed this myself when I’ve been on school trips etc. But because he’s so quiet, I feel like they haven’t felt the need to get him a support assistant yet as he just sits and plays on his own quietly. But it’s very clear that when the time comes for him to sit at a table and do work, he’s going to really struggle. He doesn’t respond to his name or most instructions. I know when they have carpet time at nursery, he doesn’t take part as he won’t sit still or even sit down with the other children.

However this is where I feel like he needs someone qualified to be with him at school to help him with following instructions or following the routine of the class because he isn’t being prepared for education.

Yes he does attend nursery at the school he will be attending next year. I’m just worried he’s slipping under the radar because 90% of the time he is a very easy going child but that doesn’t mean that he’s doing well. I also feel like the biting incident may have been avoided if he had somebody with him or somebody to help him communicate his feelings. I think because he’s non verbal, he can’t tell somebody when he’s upset or frustrated so he resorts to the physical outbursts.

Thank you for your advice though I’m definitely going to look into the EHCNA. I was told by the Senco that she wouldn’t put in for the EHCP until he starts reception because it would be hard to prove that his needs were more than the average child when he wasn’t yet in a learning/classroom type setting.

Thanks

An EHCNA is the needs assessment you first request as part of the EHCP process.

The school has sadly misinformed you, fobbed you off, and in the process let you and DS down, You have evidence to meet the threshold for an EHCNA. DS is non-verbal at 4. He needs an EHCP. (Which isn’t the threshold anyway. You only need to prove DS has or may have SEN and that he may need provision via a EHCP.) Make the request yourself now using the model letter on IPSEA’s website.

They should have also referred to SALT. In some areas, you can do this yourself.

Huge hugs OP, I’ve been there. My daughter bit another child in reception (she’s year 1 now). It was out of character for her at school as, like your son, incidents had been confined to home until then. We’re not as far on as you on the autism pathway - she’s verbal, seemingly sociable etc. so flies under the radar. But I’d already flagged my concerns to school and made it clear afterwards that we were continuing to seek an assessment. The fact that you’re further on than this and school have already acknowledged he will need support, is a massive point in your favour should the other parent get shirty.
As others have said, this is on the school really. Hopefully a wake up call for them to get a move on with the EHCP and look at what other support they can put in place.
But I completely understand your upset - I was gutted, felt terrible at the time. My daughter could actually tell me who she’d bitten so I reached out to the other Mum and she was very understanding. But if you can’t, please try not to worry. They’re still very little in nursery and most people are understanding and direct their concerns/anger (if they have any) at the school at this age.

Hi there - my son is autistic (now 8) and I also work in a primary school.

I would recommend pushing for his EHCP. This will provide your child with support where it is needed and you do not need a diagnosis to obtain one. My son got his EHCP before he started reception so everything was in place. You can start the process yourself and don't need them to instigate it first.

It hard being an autism mum but you are doing a great job and you are taking the right steps to get your child help.

You could maybe consider introducing the use of PEC cards and makaton to help him communicate. Now and next boards helped my son when he wasn't fully verbal at reception again as he knew what to expect and what order they would happen.

I hope the above helps. Feel free to message me if you wish to discuss anything. It's a long and hard road but you will get there, you are doing an amazing job and things will get easier x

My child is the child who has been bitten recently by another kid who clearly has SEN and I have seen the nursery teachers struggle with him at drop off. Your child can't tell you but my child can tell me but rest assured the teachers never told us who it was.

As the parent of the bitten child, I was annoyed that the child who is clearly struggling is not being more closely monitored and supported, not the child himself. I don't know of thar helps or not but thought it might help to give the other side of the coin.

My eldest was similar at that age, also non verbal at that point. It was his lack of ability to communicate his needs and wants that was often the cause of his outbursts. Before any activity we outlined exactly what we were doing, how long we were doing it, would give 10, 5 and 2 minute warnings that the activity would be ending, and tried to give him choice wherever we could. We used his PEC board to communicate as well to reinforce the understanding on both sides.
As a parent it's a huge learning curve, I don't know how many times I cried in the early days, before, during and after his diagnosis, wondering how his life would be, would he ever speak, would we all be able to cope and learn together. You just take it one day at a time, it's all you can do.
We were lucky with our nursery as they were so on the ball and referred him within a week of him starting there, at 3yrs, and they were able to claim funding to make sure he had a one to one TA to support him. I didn't have the same experience with SALT as they blamed me for him being non verbal, said I wasn't doing enough with him 🙃 (absolute bullshit) and after that I refused their home visits as they were entirely unhelpful, ended up under the care of a health visitor (I had a newborn at that point), and she was amazing. Told us to get him using a whistle or recorder, blow bubbles, basically anything like that that encouraged mouth exercises, and to lean into his interests which was numbers and counting, so we played counting games, lots of those Orchard Toys board games, the shopping list one was great as well as lists were good and predictable, and helps improve the language input.

Hope something here helps!

Oh and if school won't give a referral, bypass them and go straight to your GP and ask for Paeds/CAHMS to assess, if you haven't already. They can get the ball rolling and then they will ask school for their assessment, the sooner you can get the diagnosis ball rolling, the better, as it can take a very long time

is there any way you can get the diagnosis done privately? it will expedite matters much faster and the GPs accept private diagnosis

Personally, unless you also have money for tribunal standard independent ed psych, SALT and OT assessments, I wouldn’t fund an independent autism assessment.

Support in schools is based on needs, not diagnosis, and should you have to appeal to get an EHCP or to improve the EHCP issued, independent assessments from EP/SALT/OT will be more helpful for a tribunal than an independent ASD assessment. A diagnosis doesn’t speed things up educationally.

If it makes you feel any better my son was once bitten on the face at nursery really badly, he had a bruise on his cheek for weeks. He told me who it was and I never thought bad of the child or their parent, these things happen when you get a group of toddlers together. My son is autistic and we have been on the there side with a lot of hitting/ pushing other children when he's frustrated and I know it's not a nice feeling. Now this has happened I'm sure nursery will watch closer for potential incidents and be quicker to intervine.

My son is in reception and has only recently received his diagnosis so we don't have an EHCP yet, but nursery applied for some other funding locally which meant he could have extra 1:1 time with his keyworker which really helped him. I'd maybe suggest looking into this as a possibility?

Chin up, and don't feel bad these things happen even with neurotypical toddlers/ young children.

if you are already on the pathway -

Google - NHS Right To Choose. Autism

You don't need school to apply for the echp. There is a template widely available and you just send it off to your local authority on your local government website. Look up sunshine on Google it has a echp template. Does he at least have a my support plan? My son starts nursery in September and he is starting with a MSP (my support plan) which school will contact senart to turn into an Echp. Looks like HV has massively let you down tbh letting your child get to nursery without SALT or anything other professional being involved. My son has had SALT involved from 22mths. He had hearing test etc by 2.5yrs so they couldn't blame not being able to hear on the reason why he wasn't talking etc. Salt and Portage are writing the MSP now so it's ready to go in September. School are fobbing you off. You have to fight for everything needed unfortunately so don't allow it.

OP’s DS should have a SEN support plan but My Support Plans don’t exist in all LAs/schools. Non-statutory school level SEN Support plans are called different things in different places.

Your son really needs an EHCP as soon as possible to ensure he's receiving an appropriate education that meets his needs, not just playing quietly in the corner for the next year. I was able to get one for my son before his autism diagnosis (he was on the pathway) even though he was meeting quite a lot of milestones, talking well etc so don't let the SENCO fob you off.

The sooner you start the EHCP process the better. You may be able to get support from SENDIASS who provide free support for parents with children with additional needs.
The EHCP will potentially provide funding for a 1-1 TA so the sooner you start, the better.
Xx