Advice needed please on how to explain SN to my three year old

[TigerFeet]

Hello,

My NT 3.10 year old has a friend (M) with SN about whom she has been asking questions and I'm not sure how to answer them properly - I'm hoping you can help!

DD goes to nursery with M and they're off to school together in September. I'm afraid I have no idea what syndrome or condition M has but she has developmental delay and one or two minor physical differences. In my DD's world this means she has a friend who is pretty much non-verbal (she is friendly and affectionate though which is why dd loves her) and is in nappies when all her other friends are largely on a par with dd wrt talking, drawing, singing, counting, independance with toileting and dressing etc etc

DD can't really understand why M can't do what she can do and so far I have answered her questions with "M will talk (or whatever) when she is ready just like you did" but as dd gets older her questions are getting more specific such as "Why can't M go to the toilet like me? Why doesn't M sing songs with me? When will she be able to" and tbh I really don't know how to answer her

I am on nodding terms with M's mum but as we both dash in and out of nursery we have never really had time to chat iyswim. Would it be really thoughtless of me to ask her about M's issues and how I could explain them to dd? M has an older NT sister so M's parents would have good experience in explaining SN's to an NT child.

I don't want to come over as nosey, thoughtless or tactless and I would appreciate any advice you could give me in approaching M's mum and/or explaining M's condition to DD.

I hope you don't mind my asking, I am fortunate in that I don't have any direct experience at all of SN's and whenever I'm not sure of anything my first thought is to ask MN!

TIA

I've never had any issues about people asking me questions - though I have to say it's normally the kids that do it rather than mums! With us it's very easy - 'DD2 was very poorly when she was born because she couldn't breathe properly and it hurt her brain, so it takes her longer to learn to do the things that you can do - and some things she will always find really difficult.' Obviously relatively easy to explain a physical thing like brain damage, but trickier to get into genetics with a 3 yo!! Nursery should have an established route to discuss this with the children though - usually through a 'celebration of difference' policy - if you can't ask M's mum could you make your DD's key worker aware that she is asking questions? I wouldn't make a big deal of it, and try to approach it as matter-of-factly as you can. You could always ask M over to play - that would give you a great opportunity to get to know a bit more about her friend! Oh, and I'd be really careful about promising DD that M will be able to sing with her one day - just in case! Do they use Makaton or anything at nursery so that M can join in nursery rhymes etc? That would be a really easy way to introduce different ways of communication etc... burbling now - will go!

Thanks Romy

I'm very aware that I shouldn't make promises etc wrt what M will be able to do in the future. It's because dd is now asking "when will she?" that I need to find out more so I can answer her properly. I suppose the only people that can answer those questions are M's parents.

They have done baby signing and Makaton at nursery and they also have a dedicated SENCo as well as M's and DD's key workers so plenty of people to talk to

Unfortuntately we don't have much time for play dates atm, i am working FT (which is hopefully soon changing) so our free time is limited. As soon as school starts and I have cut my hours I'm hoping that we can start play dates with M and the other hordes of dd's friends

Mmmm, we're in the waiting game re playdates too - nursery and work is all very well but it's very time consuming! DD2 starts mainstream in september, and is constantly asking who she can have to play... and I'm just hoping that parents do include her in the mix... She's already worked out which children are going to the same school (none of her friends as our nursery is a bit out of the way) and it's a bit sad that I feel I have to temper her enthusiasm and point out that there will be lots of other boys and girls to play with! Hope you enjoy working less hours - it always makes me laugh that when kids start school the parents have to work less to juggle the childcare!

"it always makes me laugh that when kids start school the parents have to work less to juggle the childcare!" - ain't that the truth! Our childcare costs are stonking atm but we need the bit of my salary that's left once they're covered.

I hope your dd2 settles well, it's a scary prospect isn't it? I am dreading it in a way, we will be saying goodbye to a lot of dd's friends that she has been playing with since she was a baby and I'm sure that despite best intentions we won't keep up with all of them.

I hope your dd2 does get included. In M's case she is invited to all the parties etc and hopefully that'll continue once they are all at school.

Hi tigerfeet.There are some great books designed for younger children that explain special needs conditions.My ds1 has aspergers so that is all i know about really but there are books for siblings explaining it and also for friends.They are available on the National Autistic Society website bit i am sure there must be something to explain why some children are different.The one we have for ds2 is called My brother is different and is aimed at 4 yrs or so of age.It is very helpful.
HTH

I had this when DD went to nursery and her frends would ask about her brother ( with SN).
A couple of mums just asked me straight out " x is asking about DS2 and I wondered if you have any preference as to how I explain things"
My explaination to that age group was always just that DS2's brain works a little differently and he finds some things difficult. Kids just are curious - it isn't a problem. In fact it is often a relief to be able to just talk about it openly.

We're very lucky as DD2 has september birthday. Gets the initial birthday party drama out of the way fast - invite everyone, and keep fingers crossed that the mums understand their social obligation to invite her back...
pagwatch - I agree - far too many people looking the other way and worrying whether you'll take offence - we have had some corkers though