PDA in son (7) driving family apart

[kitchen456]

I’m really struggling 😢

My son (7) is on the pathway to diagnosis but he absolutely has a strong PDA profile and it’s our biggest challenge. It’s driving our whole family apart.

As soon as he starts a meltdown he tries to break everything in the house, smashing the TV, throwing hard objects at light bulbs, swinging cupboard doors to break them off, throwing chairs etc. my husband cannot cope with this and also loses it. He cannot control his anger and the whole situation is out of control. This obviously makes my son even worse and then I’m left to pick up the pieces.

My husband says things like
What is wrong with you
Why do you ruin everything
You’re the rudest child I’ve ever met
I cannot live with you anymore

I try to tell my husband to walk away and leave the room but he won’t, he keeps chipping away at my son telling him off. I then snap and tell him he’s making it worse but then he snaps at me and it’s everyone against him.

We’ve done all the research together. We know what strategies to follow and to be low / no demands but we’re not perfect and I just don’t know what to do.

I’m worried for my son and his relationship with his dad. I’m worried for my marriage and I’m worried about how to stop the meltdowns and him breaking everything and attacking me.

Is there a way forward? 😭

No one is perfect 100% of the time. But as you know, adults need to regulate for children with autism and you're right that your husband's response is escalating situations.

Would your husband be open to visiting a child psychologist with you to ask for advice? I know you said you've done the research together but sometimes hearing advice in person from a professional helps.

Do you have a step by step plan for meltdowns? "First we try this, then if DS does x, we do y." So not just "we wont shout or say ABC" but what you will do instead.

Is there a chance your DH could also be neurodiverse? It sounds like he struggles to control his own emotions, struggles to feel out of control, struggles to take advice from others. The clash of ND parents and children can be hard to witness and manage (as someone who lives it).

Finally, if you haven't already, I would refer yourself to social services and say that your struggle to manage your son's disability is risking family breakdown and ask what support they can provide.

Have a look at ‘At Peace Parents’ by Casey - your husband needs to figure out a different way or this won’t get better. Kids with PDA rely on and need parents who can hold a safe space for them and reassure them that you’ll be there, no matter what and you aren’t going to lose it.