Autistic 12 year old....I'm struggling.

[Maisiewilks]

Hi all. I'm a solo mum to 3 kids and one adult child. 2 neurodiverse.
My 12 year old has always been 'hard work' but at the moment I feel out of my depth.
Bit of a backstory the last 2 years have been rough
The kids bio dad cut all contact 2 years ago because he 'had to put his clients first' and he was embarrassed to have ND kids and wouldn't believe their diagnosis.
I had a partner who I was in a 5 year relationship with. Since the boys dad stopped seeing them and we had them 24/7 he just turned horrible, couldn't cope at all and became abusive, he seemed to dislike my 12 year old the most.
I left with the kids 5 months ago and we are happy however my son is really difficult to manage. He won't go to school and hasn't been for 5 months. He is so volatile especially with his siblings. He's extremely controlling. He won't do anything alone and expects his siblings to do stuff with him but tests them horribly if they don't do things exactly as he expects things to be. He gets violent if they don't. It's exhausting. In the last 5 months he's broken a window, burned a hole in the carpet, stood on a radiator and it come off the wall, make a hole in a wall. He barely sleeps, keep us all awake through the night.he seems to wants everything his way or he just gets nasty. I'm struggling so much by myself, I have no family support really, I don't live near them, I'm trying to move closer to family but landlords don't seem to like unemployed single parent carer mums, with 3 kids, a dog and a cat!
We have been referred to a family intervention worker and on a waiting list but I'm just drowning. After school when my younger kids get home is like the start of a war. It's hell. They fight and argue and slam doors. I deal with one and then I'm straight to the next one trying to referee (they are 12, 10 and 7)

I don't really know the point of the post maybe just to feel like I'm not alone?

If DS can’t attend school, is alternative provision in place? Is there an EHCP in place?

Does DS take anything g to help with sleep?

Is he receiving any support for his mental health?

Has he had an OT assessment, including a home OT assessment and a sensory OT assessment?

Do your ND DC have their own bedrooms?

When you say neurodiverse, what diagnoses exactly? Important because if it is, e.g. ADHD, a medication review would be appropriate.

Some people find using PDA strategies helpful. Others find NVR resources useful. You might find the books The Explosive Child and the Out of Sync Child help you.

You can request social care assessments - a carers assessment for you and an assessment of DS’s needs. On their website, Contact has model letters you can use.

He has a EHCP, no other provision in place as the school are saying they can meet need if he attends which the LA area accepting so he is just at home with me and the school are trying to come up with strategies to get him to go in to school, so far no plan. We have been referred for various things.

12 year old has autism and dyslexia, 10 year old has ADHD but to be honest he is easy to manage most of the time.

No meds for sleep, I've asked for a pead referal and cahmms referral but it's slow.

Basically we are very alone in it tbh. No help from anywhere eit would seem. We are on the waiting list for the children intervention team and apparently they are amazing so I'm hoping that will be a turning point. He's been through so much trauma in the last 2 years and I think it's just made him more and more unable to regulate any emotions even happy ones.

I live him to bits but I honestly wake up each morning dreading the day ahead and wonder what hell I'm in for that day which sounds awful but it's just so exhausting and mentally draining when I'm constantly trying to do my best for him as well as keeping my younger kids safe.
Their lives are really negatively affected by his behavior which I know he can't help.

The school can’t meet DS's needs if he can’t attend. Have you appealed to SENDIST? If not, do you currently have the right of appeal? If so, you should appeal. If you don’t currently have the right of appeal, have you requested an early review?

Separate to the EHCP, assuming you haven’t said you are EHE, the LA is responsible for providing a suitable full-time education to DC unable to attend school. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use to request this provision. If the LA refuses, delays or ignores you, post back here for advice on next steps. If you have said you are EHE, you need to inform the LA you are no longer EHE and they must make suitable alternative arrangements.

The LA is also still responsible for anything detailed, specified and quantified in F of the EHCP. Is there anything detailed, specified and quantified in the EHCP currently? Or is it all vague and woolly? Is there any therapeutic provision? What I said about EHE in the previous paragraph applies here too.

I know you asked to be referred, but have referrals to paeds and CAMHS actually been made? You could ask about a referral to a sleep clinic; in some areas, this is quicker than CAMHS and paeds.

We had an early review and they just said that they were providing everything in the EHCP that my son needs he just needs to get back to school to access it and therefore no amendments were made and the LA accepted that. I even had a GP letter stating that he has anxiety due to mainstream school not being the right place for him but apparently a GP letter means nothing and it has to be cahmms who can say if he can manage school or not.

School have suggested him going into school after school one day but he won't even go with a few miles of the place. If we go shopping or go out anywhere he will ask me how close to his school or is and if it's anywhere within the area he refuses to come with me! I can't see how they think he will actually make it through the school gates!

I've no idea if I still have an option to appeal or not the review happen on 17th March. I don't even know what is say to appeal tbh, whenever I call the 0-25 case worker I get told there is nothing that can be done as the school is meeting the needs set out in the ehcp and we are left in limbo.

The LA is misleading you. The school can’t meet DS’s needs. The EHCP needs amending - not just section I but also B&F. If the review meeting happened on the 17th March, you must still have the right of appeal. The letter you received from the LA with the decision to maintain as is should explain your right of appeal.

The LA’s duty under section 19 of the Education Act 1996 is separate to the EHCP process. The LA cannot say that only CAMHS evidence will do for this. You need to formally request this provision. Then, if the LA refuses, you can challenge this decision and take it further.

Thank you that's really helpful. I will start the appeal process.