How/when to tell DS about me being made redundant

[EilonwyWithRedGoldHair]

I'll be made redundant later this year. I've been in this job 20 years, DS (12, ASD) knows the people I work with and likes them. He found it very upsetting a couple of years back when we lost funding for a project and I might have been TUPE'ed over to the organisation that took it over.

I'm torn between -

Giving him warning it might happen, then telling him it is happening closer to the date so he has time to get used to the idea - but that might cause him stress and anxiety, when he's already very anxious, and is talking about suicide and self harm.

Or I don't say anything until, I don't know a month before? When I'm actually finishing? And it comes as a huge shock.

Not telling him of course means I have to try and keep looking for a new job completely hidden.

If DS knows the people you work with, is there a chance he would find out from them? If so, I would tell him now. You don’t want him to find out from someone else.

If not, I think I would wait a bit.

No, we're a very small organisation now, three permanent staff so they all know the situation with DS.

The greater risk as the news spreads is bumping into someone who knows and having them mention it. Unfortunately there are a few people locally who have worked with us or been involved with the organisation.

Or DS bursting into the room during a Zoom meeting, but he doesn't really do that now, doesn't like to be on camera - though he does have a new special interest he might want to demonstrate so I'll have to keep an eye/use headphones. Most meetings are during school hours or we're talking budgets which wouldn't mean much to him.

I should probably add that DS meltdowns are violent. He's got so much better at regulating himself, but I am worried about how he'll cope with this. And it could lead to big changes for all of us - I've been fortunate to be able to wfh and have very flexible hours, so I've been able to spend an hour just getting him to the car to go to school, then go with him and DH when needed and start late and finish late, attending short notice appointments or meetings with the school hasn't been an issue, or being able to pause work and sit with DS if he's had a bad day in school and give him some reassurance and try to manage his catastrophising.