Where can we find more help?

[yellowjellytot]

DS2 is 9 and has recently got an ADHD diagnosis. At the assessment it was flagged up that he also has many autistic traits.
We did the assessment privately as for whatever reason (I expect a combination of masking and thriving on the set routine of school) he’s quite different at school to at home and we were told by them that there was no point going through CAMHS as they would not accept his referral.
Although his current teacher was very supportive his diagnoses his behaviour is much calmer and he’s much more cooperative at school. In general he’s no problem there.
At home it’s a completely different story. Meltdowns are a daily occurrence, he just won’t let things go and the smallest thing can make him incredibly upset causing him to shout and cry for up to an hour.
Trips out are tricky as he obsesses about doing a certain thing and demands that we all do what he wants, usually resulting in a meltdown which means we all have to go home, or I end up spending much of the day day sat in the car with him while he’s shouting and refusing to join in.
Today he had a friend over and the poor lad went home in tears as DS was having a meltdown and it upset him.
What am I doing wrong?? I’m exhausted and feel like I’m failing him. When I have asked for help from the school the only advice I have haas (by several people, on several occasions) is having a visual timetable which I have honestly tried but does not work for him.
We need some more help but I’m not sure where to get it from. I’m happy to pay privately if need be but I don’t know where to begin looking. Has anyone found a service that can help pleas

Ok, this sounds really tough. And you sound like great parents, trying to help your ds.

We went through similar before we really understood how our ds (autistic, likely also adhd-er) needed to be parented.

I would look up low demand parenting and see if you can do that for a while. Are the meltdowns after school? Are they better in the holidays? It could be school related even if the meltdowns only happen at home (coke bottle effect). When you get to the point of no/infrequent or predictable meltdowns, then you can revisit days out and friends coming over. Which might mean the adults do separate things with your other DC (I read your post as "we" meaning you have a DP to help).

Thank you, I will definitely look into low demand parenting.
Yes, I have a DH, we’re kind of playing tag-team at the moment and hardly have any time together as a family, so it seems stressful all round!
Meltdowns are predictably after school, but sometimes before, usually when he’s asked to do something he doesn’t f want to. I would say worse during the holidays (this week anyway) I expect I’ve tried to do too much this week as I have a week off and wanted to make the most of it!

Request a meeting with the SENCO at school. The school need to be providing more support. They must make reasonable adjustments and they must make their best endeavours to meet DS’s SEN. Appearing to manage at school and exploding at home is a sign of unmet needs at school. If school was easier, home life would improve too.

Has DS had an ed psych assessment? And what about OT and SALT assessments? If the school doesn’t know how to support DS further, have they requested input from the specialist teaching service if your LA still has one?

Some people find the books The Explosive Child and the Out of Sync Child helpful. Others find low demand and/or non-violent resistance resources useful.

It's trial and error until you find what works, so give yourselves permission for not having time all together as a family, while you're busy parenting the children you have, rather than the ones social media or your dreams had in mind. It's hard to let go and I initially grieved for the imagined life I had lost, but my ds is happy so I'm happy.

This isn't meant to sound as harsh as it does on the page, sorry!

Part of low demand parenting is finding ways of eg. getting him dressed for school without using the words: "you need to put your bloody shirt on or we are going to be late". Harder than it sounds it turns out, in my house anyway.

It does sound like school is creating a lot of pressure for him, so anything you can do to help will help the meltdowns - agree a different uniform, get him movement breaks, fidget 'toys', using a laptop, whatever you think will help. If he's struggling in the holidays, you might find a "now and next" visual timetable helpful, or making an hour by hour plan. For all it's neuro typical orientation, school is at least predictable, whereas holidays can cause anxiety by being unstructured.

As PP said low demand parenting, reducing/ 'disguising' demands can be beneficial. Our autistic DC's one with a formal diagnosis of ASC with a demand avoidant profile (both awaiting ADHD assessments) both struggle with demands, researching PDA and using strategies for demand avoidance has been soo helpful. I would recommend PDA Society's website to start with.