Autistic teen / young adult and meltdowns / anxiety

[Lalalallalalala]

Hi

my son is 18. He is autistic . On the whole he is a lovely , caring boy . But he is struggling with meltdowns that seem to be getting worse along with - I think - anxiety and maybe depression.

He started college when he was 16 and he has struggled with maintaining friendships and with relationships . He desperately wants friends and a girlfriend. He can be quite obsessive , and overbearing ( gets very anxious , assumes that people don’t like him etc ) , very aware of his autism and hates it so tries to push for independence and deny anything is to do with his autism.

He has mentioned before he thinks he has mental health issues ( he has friends who do - a lot with autism do - so I am aware he can research and self diagnose ) .

His meltdowns are few and far between but getting worse. The screaming and banging around , he has never been violent but he has stormed toward his sibling and me and it has scared me . He has very softly tapped me but I know he meant it as a hit , but he was scared to do it ( if that makes sense ) he is like a ticking bomb and saying the wrong thing can set him off . It’s few and far between he has the big meltdowns ( one this week last one was December ) but the one this week scared me because we were in the car and something triggered him and he was screaming . When we got home he started saying threats about someone he didn’t like , mean things to me - that I am abusive because I’m not getting him any help and because I shout at him ( any change of tone he takes as shouting ) and then he was saying he wanted to die. He calmed and we had a chat and he opened up about feeling low, lonely , like there was something wrong with him ( he has immense guilt af tee r any meltdown ) . He said he has felt suicidal before but doesn’t want to die.

I want him to be happy and he is not. He also disclosed some feelings about gender identity. I think he needs some help maybe antidepressants or something to help calm him , I don’t know. We have no outside help as I have never spoke about his meltdowns as they have been manageable but how I feel as an adult it’s different- he’s very unhappy he needs some help.

How do I start this ? I know this may not be right but I worry about going to a GP and they misunderstand . I don’t want him to be seen as a danger ( I have his siblings with me ) - none of us are scared he hasn’t been violent I just worry if this unhappiness and the anger in him is left to fester it could be worse but I don’t want to open up to have people coming in and deeming him unsafe to be here etc .

He only ever has meltdowns with me ( in my home - me and his dad are seperated and I’m remarried ) I do think that’s because he feels safer with me but I think people outside would be shocked to know.

I don’t know what to do. Please can anyone advise.

DS definitely needs to see the GP ASAP.

Is DS still in college? Does he have an EHCP?

Yes he is in college , and yes he has an EHCP.

Is it quite common for autistic teens to be in this position / need support for mental health ? I’m so worried that they will see it as danger or anything - I just want him to get help and be happy

Unfortunately, a lot of autistic people, not just autistic teens, need support with their MH.

Speak to the college. They may have a counselling or mentor DS can speak to. Also request a review of the EHCP. DS needs more support and that can provide it. As well as MH support also things like OT and SALT to help with emotional regulation, communication and interaction.

Thank you I appreciate the replies.

i have spoken to college today . They have put me in touch with 2 different agencies- one that is counselling and can have a wait list , another that offers a drop in counselling service. I’ve spoke to my son and he would like to try them , go to the drop in, before the the GP … I will take him to that and monitor him over the next week or so and contact the gp if needed .

I didn’t mention in my post but I also suspect ADHD - as does he- and when he opened up he also mentioned that he has been feeling for a while that he is non binary. He has changed his name at college ( a lot do and I thought it was more of a nickname but it seems it’s not it’s to do with how he is confused with gender identity ) . I have told him that I will support him but also think he should speak to people with experience of this . I mentioned it to college and his mentor has suggested a group at college that is for students questioning sexuality etc . He seems positive about this.

I don’t know if the gender identity and the suspected ADHD could be contributing to his feelings and outbursts . He definitely seems as though his mind never stops . Anyone where I would start with getting him assessed for ADHD ?

Feeling a little overwhelmed with what to do for the best. I’m feeling anxious about going to a GP that knows nothing about him and going in with “ he’s angry , having outbursts , feels depressed , is questioning his gender and suspects he has adhd “ as I feel like that’s so many things at once …

For an NHS ADHD referral, DS/you would need or speak to the GP.

Personally, I would be making sure any counsellor will not just affirm DS’s views.

Yes I would like to speak to the counsellor to say that he does hear a lot about gender confusion from friends . It seems very common with autism and I think that is autism being so vast that they don’t always feel they specifically fit anywhere - whereas the lgbtq community is very welcoming and so I do think it could be that he feels that this is somewhere he can fit in ( he has said half of his friendship group is non binary ) - he has always expressed an interest in girls but he has also said he thinks he is asexual , and bi - never shown an interest in boys.

I will support whatever makes him happy but I want it to be what he genuinely feels , not just wanting to fit in. It’s hard saying that to him though as I’ve said that when he has mentioned it before and yesterday he told me he was scared to talk openly to me as my attitude seemed to be that I didn’t believe in it.

Its hard too, I know family members who would be against calling him “ they / them “ or the new name he wants to be called.

I just want him to be happy . I will support anything that makes him happy but I want it to be his true feelings