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Original poster

Am I overreacting by finding this comment upsetting?

38 replies

emkana · 12/05/2008 20:35

Was talking to two mums, one I've know for a while and am friendly with, one I haven't known that long yet. Was talking about the awful pregnancy I had with ds, the uncertainty we had about his health, and how lucky and happy we are now that everything has turned out so well after all that worrying.

Says the first mum "I admired you really that you didn't choose to have a termination"

Now I know she is not saying I should have had a termination, but aibu to find this comment upsetting when I'm sat there talking while looking at my gorgeous ds running around?

OP posts:

strawberryfields · 12/05/2008 20:40

Er no I would be peed off too. A friend of my grandmother (ok so quite old but still..)said on meeting my DS - "oh he's a good advert for abortion isn't he?"
I was livid.
Well done for not walloping her one.

staryeyed · 12/05/2008 20:45

LaDiDaDi · 12/05/2008 20:50

I think it was insensitive but I suspect that what she means is that she is unsure how she would have coped during the difficult time during your pregnancy when, iirc, you were very worried that your ds might have a lethal dysplasia. I think that she was wondering how she would have coped with that situation and she might feel that a termination would be the option that she would take if she was pregnant with a child who ws likely to die shortly after birth.

I don't think that she was saying, "I would have had an abortion rather than have your ds", or at least I hope she wasn't or you should have punched her!

Original poster

emkana · 12/05/2008 21:25

LaDiDaDi, I'm sure she meant it in the more positive way, but I still wish she hadn't said it...

OP posts:

yurt1 · 12/05/2008 21:40

oh god it's all I can do to not punch people when they start going on about terminating a child that's standing there (had it with ds1). And they think it's OK because the child is disabled. It is crass beyond belief. And I do believe its a sign they're seeing the disability and not beyond it.

Termination is an emotive subject for anyone, why do people think its OK to talk about it as if the default position would be to terminate your child because they're disabled Grrrrr.

2shoes · 12/05/2008 22:09

omg what a couple of shits to come out with stuff like that,

macwoozy · 12/05/2008 22:18

That's an absolutely awful thing to say.

nuru · 12/05/2008 22:33

No, I don't think you are overreacting at all. People need to think before they speak.
I had my GP tell me she thought I was depressed because I didn't have a termination with dd2 (who has Down's syndrome). dd2 was sat next to me and dd1 was also in the room

TinySocks · 13/05/2008 07:45

What an absolute idiot! (sorry for the strong language, but...

cory · 13/05/2008 08:05

Oh, I think you should have walloped her one. Or at the very least gone: "Yes I know, I'm sure your Mum has had a lifetime of regrets because she didn't have you aborted."

amber32002 · 13/05/2008 09:17

It's a weird world we live in. As soon as children with a disability are born, they have all these (supposed) rights. Yet, before birth, it's ok to suggest that their lives will automatically be such hell that it's doing them (and their parents) a favour to abort them.

I'm not about to pretend that all children with disabilities have great lives or are easy to live with (!!!) but wouldn't it be great if there were enough help to simply make life easier for parents with a child with a disability (and for the child)? We can dream...

For those of us with a disability who live peaceful lives that are no bother to anyone, the knowledge that society would have had us killed off too, before even seeing how our lives would be, is hardly cheerful.

It's ignorance on the part of those that blithely suggest it to people in the ways you've described here. It hurts, too. A lot.

edam · 13/05/2008 09:24

agree with Ladidadi, It is an insensitive comment but she didn't mean to be rude or belittle your lovely ds.

sarah293 · 13/05/2008 11:33

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Cappuccino · 13/05/2008 11:36

no she is saying she admired you

a lot of people would have at least thought about the possibility

and saying she admired you is a lovely thing and is a compliment to your strength as a parent and a person

I admire people who don't consider it

I had a lot of scans with dd2 after having SN dd1 and knowing the risks of what could happen - something far worse than dd1's disability - I would strongly have considered it

and I admire anyone who doesn't

sarah293 · 13/05/2008 11:40

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TotalChaos · 13/05/2008 11:41

I agree with Yurt. I think it's dreadful to discussion termination of a pregnancy when that particular child is running around in front of you! Funnily enough this thread has reminded me a "friend" made a similar comment to me a few years back for very different reasons - I had big mental health problems due to PG, and she saw me at my nuttiest times. I was not best pleased, it's not a helpful comment really, it's more about them airing their thoughts without considering your feelings.

PussinWellies · 13/05/2008 11:50

Amber -- 'It hurts, too. A lot.' Yes. I was driving my elder son to our holiday camp last year and something came up on the radio about this, including the question of whether, with better diagnostic techniques, children with autism could be detected and terminated.

He has Asperger's. He asked me, in all seriousness, whether I would have aborted him if I'd known. He was really bloody hurt by this and by the assumption made by the presenters that no one WITH that disability could possibly be one of their listeners.

It's that 'them and us' attitude that really gets me down.

cyberseraphim · 13/05/2008 13:05

It reminds me of the Guardian article I read a few months ago - the article was about a woman with SN who did not have an amnio when preganant. The article was introduced by someone writing 'Most people would consider such a decision irresponsible' or words to that effect. I don't like that kind of blinkered/ conveyor belt thinking. Sometimes it's good not to be with the mythical 'most people'

FioFio · 13/05/2008 13:22

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amber32002 · 13/05/2008 14:00

We apparently must all have and desire only perfect bodies, perfect homes, perfect children, perfect love lives, perfect jobs...I'm personally SO fed up of society being this way. It's automatically irresponsible to have a child who is not like the other children? Why?

As a Minister said at the church disability conference the other day, if they could find the gene that makes people pick on those who are different or vulnerable and eliminate that instead, or find the gene that makes governments so mean with their money and support for those families and children that need it, we'd have that "better society".

Cappuccino · 13/05/2008 14:43

I think that knowing you might not have the strength to do something is a valid thing

and admitting that you don't think you can do is something that should be respected

I'm not saying that termination is right but nor do I think that someone should be shouted down or made to feel like a murderer for saying "I don't think I can cope with this"

saying that you admire someone's strength to do something that others might find impossible is lovely I think and should be taken as it was meant - a compliment to your strength

yurt1 · 13/05/2008 14:52

I think it's the double standards though Cap. No-one would ever in a million years talk about terminating a child like ds2 or ds3 in front of them (for whatever reason). Yet they do it in front of ds1 (not fair on siblings, can't work with a disabled child blah blah blah). It's crass and insensitive and he understands a lot more than people give him credit for.

The assumption that the normality is to terminate for disability really annoys me. And therefore all sorts of personal questions get asked, that no-one would dream of asking about an NT child. The reality of whether people do or don't terminate isn't really relevant, but the way termination for disability (especially LD's) speaks volumes about societies attitude to LD's. People don't even realise what they're saying the old prejudices are so deep and ingrained.

And as for it being selfish to keep a disabled child......that really makes me see red.

yurt1 · 13/05/2008 14:53

but the way in which termination for disability (especially LD's) is discussed

sarah293 · 13/05/2008 15:01

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yurt1 · 13/05/2008 15:06

Yes that's it isn't it. I'm pro-choice as well (don't see how anyone couldn't be tbh) but its' the way termination for disabilities is discussed.

Of course there are times when it's more or less the only option for anyone including the child (anencephaly for one) - but its the difference in general public attitudes to termination for disability vs termination for lifestyle choice that I find a bit

And those attitudes are reflected in the things people say to me about ds1 (and reflect attitudes towards LD's in particular imo).

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