Help with 3 yo please

[Mammatogirls]

I’m really hoping I can get some help or advice from other parents who have been through similar. Lo is 3 and only recently came into my care. I know they’ve experienced trauma and loss so adjusting to such huge life changes will take time.

I need some advice on getting dressed and in and out of the car.

These things are often met with refusal, even when two choices are offered.

The hardest time is school pick up. They meltdown and refuse to get out of the car daily, constantly asking for sweets.

I’ve tried a social story, talking it through, offering choices e.g. do you want to go in the pushchair or walk?

When I try to lift them out the car, they move away so I can’t reach them or they go floppy so you can’t pick them up. I’ve been stood outside of the car more than once in tears while they scream and cry inside the car.
I’m having to bribe them out with a pepperami or my phone.

I am not sure if there is a SN link - someone suggested PDA to me, or if it’s just their trauma coming out the only way they know how.

Please help with any useful strategies if you’ve experienced similar!

Could you speak to the school or one of the other parents to see if anyone can bring your other child to the car?

Are the difficulties getting dressed there if you dress them or only when you try to help them dress themselves?

Both! It’s simply that they don’t want to do it. They want everything on their terms, especially when tired which they are in the morning when we have to go to school.

If they are tired in the morning, are they struggling sleeping? How are nighttimes?

Does the 3 year old go to school/nursery in the morning? If not, can you do the school run with them in their pyjamas then dress them later?

I would be wary of deciding this is simply because the 3y/o doesn’t want to.

Oh this is so hard, I guess she's trying to control what she can.
mine hasn't had trauma but does struggle with a lot of transitions.

A list with pictures with checkboxes next to them and giving them responsibility for ticking things off worked for mine. Some kids respond well to linking that to rewards eg Full list of tick boxes = a star sticker, 10 stars = sweets or something.

Also giving them a toy that they are responsible for helped, oh dear teddy doesn't want to get out of the car, how can we help him? do you think he needs a cuddle? etc and OH NO teddy is doing a poo quick we need to get him to the change mat, oh no some of the poo got on your pyjamas, you hold teddy out of the way while I quickly put your leggings on, here's a wipe for you to clean him up