Receiving abuse, I can't continue like this

[Oreosareawful]

My son is almost 12, is diagnosed with ADHD, ASD and likely PDA
He receives DLA, has an EHCP and is medicated. He lives with me, his dad -my husband, and his younger sister.

He hates me. I receive abuse from him daily. He swears, he shouts, he's completely disrespectful and I have no idea what to do for the best.
He seems to believe the world revolves around him. He has no consideration for anyone else. He likes to threaten me to get his own way- not normally physical- usually "fine, I won't do XYZ for you then..."
I've tried being nice, I've tried being hard, I've tried being extra understanding and I've tried being extra strict. Nothing will make him come out of his abusive, self absorbed, coercive bubble.

This morning we asked him to wipe the mats and the table as he was supposed to do it after dinner last night and didn't (how dare we suggest he do anything to contribute to the house) He started to kick off, he swore, he threw threats at us "It will be your fault I haven't got time to brush my teeth"
"I won't have time to get a cookie out of the cupboard so I will spend your money buying one at school"
"Why should I do that when you do nothing for me"

I've pointed out that if he really feels I do nothing for him, he can start cooking his own meals, washing his own clothes, getting himself to school and back etc

His parting words to me as he left the house were "SCREW YOU"

I'm supposed to pick him up outside school this afternoon at 3pm, and the way I feel right now I will be driving straight by. I can't take being abused in my own home any more. I've already taken away his mobile, his laptop and games consoles as punishment for abusive behaviour earlier in the week.

What do I do and where am I going wrong? Nothing works.

He sounds unhappy. When did you last have any time one to one? How is school for him? Is he really good at anything? What’s he looking forward to at the moment?

When was DS’s last medication review?

What support is DS receiving via the EHCP? Have you requested an early review?

Some find the books The Explosive Child and the Out of Sync Child helpful. Others find PDA strategies &/or non-violent resistance courses/resources useful.

We don't usually have one to one time. He isn't interested in engaging with me. He mentioned being interested in cooking, so I suggested he helps me to prepare the family meals. He hates leaving the house, doesn't want to go anywhere.
He seems to be ok at school so far- he started secondary in September. He's received a few detentions, but they are always the teachers fault.

He's good at gaming, but wants to do that alone. He can rollerskate, but that involves leaving the house, so gets met with resistance when suggested.

He's currently looking forward to his birthday next month. I asked him last night what he would like to do and we agreed on going to a trampoline park and to KFC afterwards.

He had a medication review on Monday, his practitioner was happy and suggested a few things such as a visual timetable for after school to include having dinner, family time, a shower and relaxing before bed- but he isn't prepared to even discuss it.

His EHCP was only issued at the end of December, so we are still putting it into practice. I did have a meeting at his school a couple of weeks ago, and they are implementing the requirements.

Thank you for the book recommendations- I will look into those. I have just requested to join a PDA group on Facebook too.

Well if it was me I’d start by getting a really easy pudding that’s fun to put together for him and have him make it while I cooked the main course.
Id introduce 1:1 time by doing things like getting dh to take dd out somewhere and be doing something interesting he could join in with (like painting a wall) especially while he doesn’t have his devices.

Can DS communicate why he doesn’t like leaving the house?

What support, including therapies, is in the EHCP?

Is the EHCP actually good? Many are not worth the paper they are written on?

With what you describe it is surprising the HCP undertaking the medication view was happy. I think I would speak to them again.

Hi. My 12 year old (now 13) has the same diagnoses. And yes, he started hitting me (not hard) and saying the most awful things despite being a sweet boy and loving me. He doesn't do it any more but he is now in a different setting (more on this later). We got a BCBA to work with him and it made it worse. Looking back, here are my conclusions.

1. My husband (who also has ADHD) and I were not equipped to set and follow through on the boundaries and rules he needed to follow so he knew that yelling would get him what he wanted.
2. His very bad behavior happened when he was back from school so he was: exhausted from all the stimuli, starving (as he hadn't had a good lunch) and coming off his stimulants which had a rebound affect at that time of day.
3. His worst behaviour happened when we tried to take his iPad away or switch off the TV.
4. Finally, and most importantly, I think he was just so unhappy, depressed. anxious. We were constantly yelling at him and he knew he was failing at school.

Any amount of one-on-one didn't help - he didn't want to do anything with me. There were a few things he liked to do (loves the dog), walking with his dad and seeing the 1/2 friends he has, but that was it. All extra-curriculars had gone by the wayside.

He is now in a therapeutic boarding school and they have done three things which have mitigated the situation:
(1) consistent routine and expectations (something we could not give him at home)
(2) good teachers who take the time and make him feel like he can achieve things
and finally....
(3) very little screen time. The TV and iPad was stimulating our son to such an extent that - like an addict - he was acting out as soon as we tried to remove it. The ASD impact on his brain meant that that was all he thought about and he got angry if anything got in the way of him accessing this - including going to school.

I know boarding schools are not accessible for many (we got help from our local authority) but doing what you can to figure out why he is unhappy and therefore angry will go a long way. Life is very hard for him - much much harder than for other neurotypical kids. The antecedent events leading up to the outbursts should be thought about. Think about when he may be coming off his stimulants or before they kick in in the morning. (I always felt that school had the best of him and I had to deal with the times when he was off his meds - not fair!). Does he need downtime (alone) when he gets back from school)?

My son also takes Clonidine (we are in the US so you need to figure out the equivalent in the UK). Can you get support services (like a BCBA) in the home? Or parent training?

Your son loves you. He is angry at the world and even he does not know why.

Maybe get some professional help as we could not nail it ourselves.

We just visited our boy yesterday and its the first time we actually had a good conversation. He was lovely. And he has only been at the school for 4 months. Do they have summer wilderness programs in the UK (Outward Bound)?

Finally - its not you. Honestly. I felt so impotent. So crap. I would never let anyone speak to me the way our son did let alone actually hit me.

But inside he loves you so much but doesn't know what to do with all his emotions. Get some help. Family counselling. Help him name the emotions. And see if you can find a setting for him (school, after school or summer programs) so he can be around people who get him.

Hope that helps....

My son is younger - nearly 8 - but has same diagnoses and it causes significant behavioural issues. Connection and dropping demands for the time being is really important. As others have said he sounds unhappy and believe me I get it - there are times when I am at my wits end - but you need to strengthen your connection with him and understanding of where his behaviours are coming from. I strongly recommend following and looking theough the posts/podcasts from at peace parents on instagram and wherever you listen to podcasts to try and reframe your perspective/lens on his behaviour which ultimately will help you and him. He is acting out from a fight or flight nervous system response - it is not within his control - but if you can understand it and modify how you approach him in my experience it will improve things somewhat.

Does anyone have any advice here on how to find a suitable therapist to deal with these issues of anger, depression and regulation? My son can be awful to me (as others said above), but is great at school (a classic case of masking). But every expert we have tried has been a waste of time and money. SALTS seem to do everything from speech therapy to autism. OTs again have a wide range. Play therapy didn't work for him, nor did talk therapy. What I really need is someone who specialises in high-functioning autistic boys... but I haven't seen anything like that... Does anyone have ideas? Also... if you have found any good online parenting courses that have helped with these issues, I'd be very appreciative of recommendations... Thank you!

Just because SALT and OT cover a wide scope doesn’t mean it wouldn’t help with the issues describe. They would. But it isn’t a quick fix.

If play therapy and talking therapies haven’t helped, have you tried other forms of therapies such as animal assisted therapies, art therapy and, if trauma plays any part in DS’s profile, EMDR? If it was CBT DS tried, you could consider DBT.

Home life would also improve if school life was easier for DS. With that in mind, request a meeting with the SENCO at the school. The school should be providing support.

Some people find the books The Explosive Child and the Out of Sync Child helpful. Others find PDA strategies &/or non-violent resistance resources/courses useful.

Repeatedly punishing a child who has PDA is not going to work. Simple demands send their nervous systems into fight or flight.

Can I suggest that you look into 'At Peace Parents' - the lady runs courses for parents who have children with PDA.

https://youtube.com/@atpeaceparents?si=YUdyuFdo7361nrU_