Toxic class (parents) at school
Just wanted to some advice about school.
For background: My 8 old daughter has additional needs, (ASD, ADHD and dyspraxia) and has an EHCP at school. When she started reception at school just under 3.5 years ago, she had no diagnoses, no EHCP and was still in nappy pants. Dad and I were fighting hard for diagnoses but had come up against significant difficulties with HV, GP, children’s Outreach Worker and preschool, only really got the support and understanding we needed when my daughter started school. They seemed to completely see her needs and immediately applied for an EHCP assessment. Before this, the professionals who were supposed to help us continually tried to blame our parenting. It was the most stressful time, as my husband and I knew we were trying our best and implementing every parenting strategy in the book. I also have 3 chronic illnesses and we have no family near, so we were actually doing pretty amazing. There were never any reasons for their false claims about our parenting; all of them tried to get social services involved several times and it kept getting closed down immediately, for obvious reasons.
Anyway, when my daughter started school, we had a really difficult first day, in that my daughter walked in with her best friend, (my neighbours little boy)- they had grown up together and spent almost every day together including at a shared childminder. They walked in together hand in hand, and when we got to the school gates, my neighbour separated their hands, cried and screamed at the top of her lungs that we would never ever walk in together again. That was it, no explanation. I burst into tears, took her into school and then took my other Sen child (he was 3 at the time) to the childminder. The childminder got me a cup of tea, listened to me and I explained I felt she was embarrassed of me and the kids. We had been best friends for such a long time and I felt she just let me down big time. She then walked in to drop off her daughter, asked if we had been talking about her, could see our guilty faces, and walked out. The following day, she removed her daughter from our childminder and ended her contract, out of nowhere.
Anyway, my daughter started at school and quickly made friends because she is such a lovely little girl. I realised pretty quickly though that she was never invited for play dates, hardly ever invited to parties, and that other parents hardly spoke to me. By the time my daughter entered year 1 at school, there seemed to be a really heavy toxic atmosphere in her class, not from the children, but from the parents. My friendship with my neighbour had deteriorated somewhat, but she was still, in my opinion, ‘pretending’ to be my friend. I felt like I was continually getting death stares from others, blanked by other parents and treated with absolutely no respect. I noticed that some of the other children were starting to treat my daughter in the same way.
By the end of year 1, my daughter had an EHCP in place. The school have never really followed her EHCP and I have held multiple reviews with the LA and senco, put in multiple complaints.
By the time my daughter started year 2, my son started in reception. The atmosphere was instantly different in his class, he also has additional needs, was recently diagnosed with ADHD and put on medication, is still awaiting an autism assessment. He was instantly invited to parties and to extracurricular activities with his classmates, the other parents spoke to me with respect and did not ignore me. He was included wholly, other parents told us what a good job we were doing, there were kind and supportive.
It was at this point that I realised that something was just not right in my daughter’s class, I instantly expected my son’s class to be the same and they were not.
My neighbour started being indirectly abusive to me at times, she started saying awful things about me being on benefits, she supported other neighbours in harrassment of us, I started realising that the parents giving us death stares were her best friends. I also was hit by another realisation: she was the receptionist at my doctors surgery, and the care we had there was awful. My neighbour said to me several times she had read my records (and the children’s, as well as our other neighbours) she told me really unprofessional things the Doctors had said about me. I had a number of unprofessional encounters with them, including a time where they totally neglected me and I actually had multiple blood clots on my lung but they refused to examine me properly. I could not get my kids referred under them at all. My neighbour used to take a lot of glee in telling me awful things (and lies) staff had written about me. I then realised she was directly involved, and moved myself, my husband and kids straight out of that surgery.
As soon as I moved, my new GP stated whole parts of my record had been deleted, which was disgusting to start with, and I wholly blame my neighbour. He immediately referred me out to 3 specialists, and my children started being diagnosed shortly after.
Well my neighbour did not like that we had moved without telling her, and I think she felt like she had lost control over us. Shortly after this, I was not well at all, I had multiple clots on my lungs again and could hardly breathe, I was struggling getting the kids to school and started walking them another way around because I was fearful I could not control the kids properly near a main road when I was so poorly, and knew that not one parent in my daughter’s class would offer to help. So she shouted out of the window at me in the garden one day, that another parent was gossiping about me, I asked what and she continued to make up a lie about why I was walking the wrong way to school. I told her what was actually going on and she told me I was lying and she had it on good authority I was lying! I said what reason would I have to lie and slammed the door on her! I could not understand what she was trying to do. The following week, she caught me outside the house and began shouting at me, that I was an awful friend, all I wanted was a pity party, and the reason I had no friends is because nobody liked me! I told her she was an awful friend let alone neighbours and had never supported me.
We didn’t speak for a month but soon after she apologised and tried to make it up to me. I was cautious, she didn’t come to my vow renewal and made up a crappy excuse, she was obviously still spreading rumours about me. On Halloween, another parent came to her door (her house wasn’t decorated) who she knows has been awful to me and my Sen daughter in public. I offered her daughter, who was dressed up a sweet, and she replied ‘we don’t want anything from you’! I was both shocked and confused, I was waiting for my neighbour to defend me, and when it didn’t come I just shut my door and began crying silent tears. When my neighbour returned from trick or treating, I asked are you friends now then? And she replied no, I have no idea why she was there. I asked why she didn’t defend me, and she said ‘I’m sorry, I was just as shocked as you were’. I said why did she say that to me, and she replied ‘I don’t know, she is just rude’.
I didn’t really buy it, and a few days later when she snuck in this particular parent into her house for a cup of tea after school run, and pretended it never happened when I asked her why she was there, and it just sealed it for me, I couldn’t trust her and we did not have a real friendship. It totally fizzled out for me, she kept pretending we were friends but I totally switched off after that. Last summer, she approached my PA, and told her that I was not disabled, that I lie and cheat the government, she should leave her family because she deserves better. She then shouted at my husband in the street, same old rubbish, tell her we are not friends, tell her never to talk to me, and then burst into fake tears while this other Mum, who has been nothing but rude to me, pulled her away saying ‘we were not worth it’.
I have now not spoken to her for 7 months. I found out she approached my Mum and told her she was a rubbish daughter and she deserves better, and approached our neighbour and told her that I didn’t like her. Unfortunately no matter what I have said I do not think my neighbour has believed me over her lies. I feel totally isolated in my community, I know she has stepped up her lies, she has become really antisocial, and worst of all, she is trying to get her son and all her friends kids to isolate my daughter at school. This started as not giving my daughter a Christmas card, but is progressing into trying to get her to call out in class (and get her in trouble) and stealing her belongings and throwing or hiding them. I have spoken to school and nothing is being done.
I realise now that my neighbour is a manipulative narcissist. It only took me 7 years. Other parents in my daughter’s class now don’t even acknowledge me, we get death stares daily, our neighbours are weird with us. I have had enough, I am having counselling for extreme anxiety.
I have no idea what to do about her flying monkeys and how to make things better for my daughter at school, I am fed up, mentally and spiritually broken and at a loss. If I could move I would. Has anyone else had anything similar and what do you do? I am told time will reveal what she is (and to be honest, all she does is bitch and gossip about others, including her own friends and neighbours) but in the meantime I have to live here. My daughter’s mental health is at an all time low, she self harms and shows signs of anorexia. I know she is not happy in her class and it hurts my heart that other adults can get children to make her feel a certain way. People are so cruel.
Any hints on how to deal with narcissistic neighbours/ narc parents or flying monkeys on the school run?
Many thanks for reading this far. I am on edge every day.