Just need a mumsnet perspective on this please

[sunflowervalley]

We had a school meeting this morning to discuss my DS's progress and he is coming on really well and is reading is age appropriate which we are really pleased about as he has selective mutism so was assessed by himm reading the book to himself and then writing down his interprutation of the story.

He also has issues with toileting still and had asked on another thread for advice about movicol and that I was having problems with DS taking it.

Anyway in the meeting was DH,the headmistress,his teacher,his LSA ,SENCO and an educational psycologist he has been seeing.

When I explained the problems I was having getting DS to take the movicol and that he ws anxious about it.

The educational psycologist started spouting a therory about the baby who would crawl across a piece of glass that was placed over a high drop but if the same baby sensed anxiety in there mother's face they would'nt crawl over it.

He then went on to add could it be the same for my DS in taking the movicol that he sensed anxiety in me and that is wht he would'nt take it.

Now I sat there trying to keep it together but said that I had stayed calm and was making it as relaxed as possible for DS and that it is easy for others to criticize my methods but I am only human and do my best as his mother and I deal with my DS's anxieties everyday and is is not easy.
Of course by then I lost it and started to cry and had to leave the room.

Am so annoyed with myself as I wanted to keep it all together but this guy made me feel like a crap mother in front of everyone and it was like he was balming me for my DS's condition because I s a mother dare to feel anxious myself from time to time.

Was I totally over reacting?

The Ed.Psych sounds like an arse. Presumably it's easier to sit back and blame the parents than to extract his head from his own arse and find a real solution to the problem.

Exactly what I thought coppertop.

He has hd 4 sessions with my DS and today he said he is used to dealing with verbal children and wondered because DS had'nt spoken to him as yet if he would be better suited to art therapy and he has written a letter of referral for this to happen.

My DH pointed out that Ds has spoken to him whilst in his office at the last session whilst the ed psych was on the phone and that that is a major step forward.
DH said should he be thinking of passing the buck so soon after 4 sessions when this has happened and could be the start of something positive.

Itcan take children with SM years to get to thatstage it is a long process and one you need commitment and patience for and I just think this ed psych has neither.

Such a shame as DS had really taken to him and I hate the thought that he is passed on yet again to someone else.

oh what a tw*t. He should apologise.

I've also burst into tears in front of a tw*tty ed psych if that helps. There are plenty of patronising professionals about, unfortunately. They seem to believe that you should be grateful just because they bother to grace you with their presence.

DS1's SALT who i am going to slap one of these days explains the reasons for the Floortime exercises as 'well, he is not used to having a nice time with adults as in his world adults just place demands on him'. And there I am sitting next to this girl (she is younger than me, childless) wondering why I am wasting my time.

hope you feel better soon

Thanks for your reply downinglaundry-

I just don't see why he needed to bring that up as I remembered when I got home that just over a week ago he had said a similar thing to me on the phone ,he said

"Whose anxiety Mrs **?"
"Is it your's we are talking about?"
In reference to the same problem re DS and the movicol.

I was so humiliated in front of everyone and annoyed that I cried and have probably re inforced his opinion of me as an over anxious mother.

What a twat, agree with others. I love it when people blame the mum's "anxiety" as it's so much easier for them to tackle a non-SEN adult than it is to actually face head on the highly complex problems we face day in day out with an SEN child. HOpefully he is now feeling very bad about making you cry anyway, but don't take it to heart. Has he walked a mile in your shoes, does he have a child with the same SEN? If the answer is no, then he does not know what the fXXX he is talking about!

amam well said!

sunflowervalley I would be livid.

Would you be able to e-mail him? I would send something along the lines of...

'I am concerned that nothing constructive has been offered as a reason for DS's problem with movicol. I do not consider blaming parents for causing their children's problems as constructive. I would be interested in hearing what evidence you have to support your suggestion that DS's problems are caused by parental anxiety. Without such evidence, we consider any suggestions to above as unprofessional and not in the spirit of SEN Code of Practice. I would like to refer you to section 2:6 in the CoP which sets out the key principles in communicating with parents.'

... but then again I am known as the bitch from hell in the corridors of our LEA

I just realised in my threads I had put he was an educational psychologist he was actually a clinical psychologist.
Sorry in my upset state wrote the wrong thing.

ancientmiddleadgedmum-I think you have hit the nail on the head.
By his own admission he does'nt know much about SM and the sliding in session that I do with my DS in the school twice a week.
I would have thought he would have researched SM as he has taken the case on from someone else.
It was almost as if he was out of his depth and wanted to pass the case on to someone else.
I asked why he took it on in the first place if he was'nt really the right person to deal with my DS and he said he was given the case from someone DS had only met twice before he retired.

He did'nt even apoligise or say anything when I came back into the room.

He just kept coming out with psycho babble that to be honest half of the words I did'nt even understand.
He just came across as cocky and arrogant.

drowninginlaundry-I dont have his e mail but wish I had said something at the time instead of crumbling.

My DH did actually say that DS would'nt be the first child who has a problem with taking medicine.

I love your approach and may use that if the situation occurs again.

Grrrr. I know a Mum who was labelled as 'anxious' by a bunch of pros. She wasn't at all (well no more than anyone else would be given her dd's condition )

I was labelled as 'in denial' (which would be why I suspected a problem a year and half before dx .

I like DIL's approach.

Yurt1- wonder if it is an easy way out for some professionals to blame the parents when they don't have the solution.

Like you I always knew that my DS had speech and shyness issues and we had an awful experience with a HV before DS was dxwith selective mutism who firstly said he had dyspraxia which I knew after reading up on it that it did'nt seem likely .
She had no experience in dx him at all.
Then because when she visited DS was always silent she implied something more sinister and had me in tears and DH threw her out of the house.
Luckly for us a new HV was assigned and he was dx with selective mutism.
Which explained why he was always silent and anxious when she visited.

A completee nightmare that still haunts me to this day and wish I had complined at the time about this HV but did'nt.

So with his asshole theory, did the ed psych offer any advice or help, or was he happy to try to make it your problem?

All mothers have some anxieties. It's part of the job

ouryve-that's exactly what I said to him,anxiety along with guilt comes with the territory of being a parent.

He did'nt offer any solution to the problem at all he just seemed really harsh about the whole thing and was quite arrogant.

I remembered as well when he rang me a week before about this that he said I am playing with my son's health.
I just get the feeling he does'nt like me for what ever reason.

Also when we wee introducing ourselves at the meeting he said
"oh I know Mr and Mrs *"

I said
"what are you putting down next to my name then" jokingly

I am surehe said something like herod or heroid which I have no idea what he meant.

Have left a message to say I will ring him on Monday and have a chat as want to clear the air before out next meeting.

Update since my last post.

I did'nt ring the clinical psychologist as I did'nt want to get upset on the phone and add further to his view of me as an over anxious neurotic mother.

Have justhad a letter this morning from him about our next appointment and he wants to see meand DH on our own without DS.

It says after a meeting with clinical supervision they want to discuss a plan to help DS.

Am feeling really nervous abut this.
It is great that they want to help and I am very gratful but just feel apprehensive as to talking with this man again after our last meeting at the school.

He obviously has made his mind up about me and he makes me feel I am to blame for DS's condition and I want to be able to keep it all together and be strong.

How does anyone else in these situations manage as I am finding it increasingly difficult.

Have been dealing with meetings etc since DS was 3 and have seen numerous people and DS has been pushed from pillar to post and been seen by so many people I hate that he has to go through all this.

I envy people with NT children and hate myself for saying that as I would'nt change a thing about DS he is a lovely little boy.

But people don't reallyunderdstand what it is like day by day to fel that burden and want to protect your child and so your best for them and I just want DS to feel better.

My heart aches everytime I hear the children outside playing (our garden backs onto the school playground)and I know DS is there somewhere and does'nt speak at school and I can't stand it.

I hope i am not coming over as selfish and try to stay strong,it is not about me it is about DS and I go into school and do sliding in sessions to help him and it is heart breaking seeing him with his 1:1 using his hands to sign to communicate when I see him at home a happy chatty little boy with a great personality.

Something the school never gets to see.

How does anyone else deal with this and stay strong.

I can't appear to be losing it I just can't.

But inside it is tearing me apart.