Advice or books for parenting a 4 year old with possible adhd/autism

[Flyingradios]

Hello!

just as backstory - my daughter was referred for autism aged 3 after issues at nursery and home but it was rejected and we ended up moving across the country so no appeal etc

Things have been better as I’ve done lots of training in parenting autism/adhd, but now in our new area and all the support from me and my husband, my daughter looks more borderline apparently overall. HV says still shows some traits though.

Now she’s 4, at a fab nursery and various issues have been coming up but generally she loves it.

But some things I feel really unsure how to navigate. i feel like this is such a formative time for her that i want to parent her well - beyond strategies to help with regulation…low demand/routines etc, which we already implement.

Eg - with friends she gets very attached and loves them/talks about them, but when she’s playing with them she often announces she wants space and moves away. After a few minutes she goes back. By then the other friend is often upset and things start to spiral. She also normally refuses to say bye (she finds it too upsetting) which increasingly other kids look puzzled by or sometimes cry.

I’m wondering if I need to do anything. I think it’s probably the best coping she can do in the moment itself ( and it’s great she’s not hitting etc!). As she’s not even being referred at present (tho might be) I don’t know whether to try and explain to the parents that she possibly has autism/ADHD and it’s not that she doesn’t like the other kid or is angry - it’s an overwhelm issue. But it’s v hard for other children to understand I think and I know my daughter really values the friendships.

we have a catch up with the senco at new nursery soon. The nursery said before they hadn’t noticed too much ND behaviour but theres occasionally been an issue relayed at pick up - eg going mute, refusing to listen/engage with adults or anyone, getting emotional, not eating all day etc. it’s got a bit more frequent recently though so not sure yet where their thoughts are at.

other issues we’re struggling with like running away, hyperactivity, risky climbing, running up and cuddling strangers etc - I feel unsure how to handle. All the books I’ve picked up seem to be for older kids. I’m not on Facebook but open to other online support. I’ve tried a local service but can’t seem to get a response.

Any thoughts or advice or podcasts/book recs for younger kids are welcome!

I would push for a referral for assessment. The nursery may say they aren’t seeing ND signs, but they are obviously noticing some difficulties. What support is the nursery providing?

It is brilliant DD can recognise she is overwhelmed and needs and can verbalise that. Can you look at what triggers that? For example, is it other DC being too close, is it other DC being too loud, is it other DC touching DD? Is it more likely to happen when DD has had a busy morning and she is more ‘peopled out’? Some of the other things you describe could also be linked to sensory difficulties. The Out of Sync Child book can be useful for sensory difficulties. A sensory OT assessment could help. Not all areas commission this on the NHS, though. [[https://www.falkirk.gov.uk/services/social-care/disabilities/docs/young-people/Making%20Sense%20of%20Sensory%20Behaviour.pdf? www.falkirk.gov.uk/services/social-care/disabilities/docs/young-people/Makin g%20Sense%20of%20Sensory%20Behaviour.pdf? booklet might help too.

Have a look at selective mutism. The SMIRA website is good. A good SALT will be able to help with this.

Although this is ADHD focused, I have used some of the tips with my suspected AuDHD child and found them helpful. Particularly, I like the point about keeping playdates short so that they are more likely to be successful.

https://chadd.org/attention-article/how-you-can-be-a-friendship-coach-for-your-child-with-adhd/

Also, most of the things from Conscious Discipline are really excellent in terms of helping scaffold/support social skills in a non-shaming way - essentially it's about noticing the child's intent and trying to sort of "translate" that between the children. Don't be put off by the cheesy delivery or twee names, the interventions are extremely well designed.

Another similar example in this FB post by Occuplaytional Therapist: https://www.facebook.com/occuplaytional/posts/856485559977794

Big Baffling Behaviours by Robyn Gobbel is a really excellent resource as well. Though this is more about helping with regulation, so might not be quite what you're looking for at the moment.

Something which may help with other parents is explaining the specific thing e.g. "She finds it hard to say goodbye" - if you know they are well-informed about autism etc then it's different, but most people don't really get it, and will either launch into reassuring you that she isn't autistic or will become really awkward and withdraw because they don't know how they are "supposed to" behave.

Another good phrase is "She's very sensitive" because this can open a door into a more specific conversation or if the parent is not interested it is at least somewhat of an explanation.