Hate these days......

[WedgiesMum]

Been with DS today to see if he is allowed back to ju jitsu. He had a major meltdown in training about 6 weeks ago and we have had some time out. He is HFA, tall and strong for 9 and has problems accepting losing, especially when he is on a downward spiral - which for various reasons he is in atm (the biggest reason is school not giving any support AT ALL despite him having a dx and being on SA+).

Anyhoo - we went today to try and persuade them to have him back as it does wonders for his self esteem and his ability to cope with everyday life and reinforces those social skills of respect etc that he just finds so difficult to learn. But it's no go They have other students who won't work with him and aren't prepared to take the risk and don't see that he can return at any point in the future either.

I don't blame them as they have had him for 6 months, and I did say at the start when he tranferred from a different class that I understood if they couldn't cope. It would have been better if they weren't so defensive and angry with me about it - it's not as if I was agressive or upset or anything, just looking for a possible way through it. I just feel so It's another thing that he loves that he has had taken away from him because of his anxiety/anger/agression thing and another slap in the face for him. Another thing that just marks him out as not fitting in. Which he is bright enough to pick up on.

He says it's ok but I know he is feeling really unhappy about it as he is projecting his anger outwards - being nasty to DD, flying into rages etc. Then in the middle of a meltdown this afternoon among the usual I hate you's he said it was all my fault because I put him in a hopeless situation and that I shouldn't have tried to get him back into the class Then started thinking up new ways to kill himself which is something I thought we'd got away from a year ago.

Most times we just go on and put it behind us but today I've not handled it well - one of those things I guess but I've been short tempered and miserable and have been horrible to the kids. DD went to bed crying because I got cross when she deliberately wound DS up and wouldn't let her watch the end of I'd do anything and DS is confused and upset. DH is working long long long hours and has spent the evening in bed, and doesn't deal with me well when I'm like this anyway as he is somewhere on the spectrum himself and this would just make him too anxious to cope without being angry - and I can't take another person being angry with me.

Not particularly looking for advice (unless anyone can suggest something that we can take DS to as an after school activity - we do tennis which we can usually cope with but team games are out of the question, as is swimming because lessons in the pool are too noisy, but would love him to have an acivity where he can do social stuff too) just needing to get all of this out of my head so I can move on from it, and need a place to write all this down amongst those who understand the frustrations and small and not so small pains of having an ASD child.

Thanks for being there.

Poor you. I can see why you're upset - ds has always been excluded from out of school stuff for similar reasons.

Having said that, the Disability Discrimination Act requires people to make reasonable adjustments and some places have been better since I reminded them of that (though that has ranged from 'giving him a try and then sending him home' to providing one-to-one support (funded by Social Services through the Disability Team social worker J has). Don't know if that's worth a try.

If you're looking for something different, I've heard drama groups can be good - not pushy ones like Stagecoach, but more of a relaxed one - think Helen O'Grady is the name of the chain of groups - worth Googling.

I do understand and it is rubbish. Take care xx

Wedgiesmum what about a martial art that isn't a contact sport? Where there won't be any fights/competitions etc?

He can still get the release of stress but no need to feel angry if he loses as there will be nothing to lose! HTH

If there is a branch of SNAP in your area I would contact them as well.

Your comment, "The biggest reason is school not giving any support AT ALL despite him having a dx and being on SA+)" is both sad and all too common; SA plus is really not worth the paper its printed on. Its not legally binding for a start (unlike a statement) and is limited in scope.

Have you applied for a Statement for your DS from the LEA?. You as the parent can do this without any permission of any sort from the school. Also you have far more rights than they would ever have in this regard (they cannot appeal but you can). Its a lot to take on (because you will have to likely fight long and hard to secure such provision) but if you can get such a document for your son it may go some way to making his school life easier for him and by turn for you. IPSEA are very good at the whole statementing issue and there are letters there you can use:- www.ipsea.org.uk.
Also SOS:SEN can also provide advice.

WM

I agree with Fannysparkle about looking for martial arts where there is no competition involved. A lot can also depend on the ethos of the club. Some will be more interested in competitions and so will do far more 'free' sparring than clubs which follow a more traditional route.

Does ds have any hobbies/interests which he could do alone but within a group setting IYSWIM? Maybe an art club, a writing club, model-making club etc? It might be worth looking for groups that aren't specifically set up for children.

Just wanted to say hi. Rescuing your child from a downward spiral is very hard especially if your dh cant help!
How about a more solitary sport like rock climbing - the turn taking whilst learning can be a bit difficult, but there is usually some hanging around encouraging others and most indoor practice walls have a traversing wall (close to the ground) to run off energy. Best wishes

Just wanted to say that I feel for you WM. So so hard. My DS is much younger and I haven't been in these situations yet. Its just crap.

Thanks for the replies everyone.

Another day, a bit more perspective, a bit more calm ........ well me that is. DS is high as a kite, we went to the Child Psych this a.m. and I haven't taken him into school today because he is much too hyper and I am convinced he would get into trouble and get himself excluded again.

Thanks for the thoughts on activities - I am looking for something like T'ai chi locally to see if we can both go - will help calm all round! And we have thought about doing badminton as he likes that and we can do it with me, him and DD. Unfortunately climbing is a no go. He is not comfortable with being up high and will only go about 2-3 feet off the ground - DD must be part monkey though as she will always climb to the highest point of any given surface(in party shoes if possible) and then dance around at the top! Arty/crafty activities are just so NOT his thing - motor skills not up to it and if it doesn't look right he would destroy his work and that of others around him.

We are thinking about statutory assessment but are having to wait until school has actually 'tried and failed' with him this year otherwise there is no hope in our LA of a statement. but the plan is to put the request in by the end of this term.

Thanks for your thoughts!

Wedgesmum,
I DO'NT KNOW WHAT AREA YOU'RE IN BUT HAVE THEY GOT A SPECIAL NEEDS GYMNASTICS CLUB THATS LOCAL?
I THINK THAT PERHAPS THIS ISNT THE CLUB FOR HIM IF THEY ARE NOT PREPARED TO MAKE CERTAIN ALLOWANCES FOR HIS BEHAVIOUR.

Chi Gung (aka Qi gong) is similar to tai chi if you're googling for local stuff.
How about singing and vocal training?
Or volunteering at the weekend somehow - conservation work, green gyms, helpful grunt work etc? Might help his dad too...