Not let grand daughter out

[Janeones7851]

My 12 year old grand daughter is very slightly deaf and very slightly autistic but her mum and dad won't let her do anything for herself or let her go out and play with others children. They protect her so much.

People aren’t ’slightly autistic’. They are either autistic or not. It is not a linear spectrum from slightly autistic to severely autistic. That isn’t what the spectrum means.

DGD’s parents will know more about what DGD is capable of and the risks of her going out than you.

Does she want to go out or do you just think she should want to?

Don't be so pernickety. You know exactly what OP meant.

Also you have no idea what social issues or independence the girl may have. You dont know if shes highly vulnerable or suscpetible to bad influences and maybe its an area where the local kids arent very nice. Or she has very little roadsense.

It is not ‘pernickety’. There is no such thing as ‘slightly autistic’. Sadly, many people don’t understand what the spectrum actually is.

I haven’t claimed to know what difficulties or independence DGD has.

You cant deny that there are people with autism that are very intelligent, completely independent, and can behave like normal functioning adults but just have the odd few quirks like hating loud noise or not being very good at understanding jokes and whatnot.
Then you have severely autistic people who cant walk or talk, are mentally impaired, need a wheelchair and a feeding tube, require 24/7 care.

Theres a reason people use the term 'mild' and 'severe' autism, you might not like it but thats why its called autism. There is a mild end and a severe end.

Oh come on, some kids are certainly more severely autistic than others. DS is high functioning and it really fucks me off when people try to police my language over that. I know full well what the spectrum is and how people with ASD can have a spiky profile. The OP is obviously saying that her GC is not severely affected by ASD/doesn't have any learning difficulties.

It sounds like her parents are extremely protective OP but it's impossible to know if they're being unreasonable or not. What sort of things do they not let her do for herself that you think she should be doing? Do they have friends over for her to play with? I wouldn't let mine wander the streets either, but he often had friends round to play.

Being autistic, intelligent and having low support needs doesn’t make someone ‘slightly autistic’. It makes them autistic.

In order to be diagnosed with autism one must have difficulties that “limit and impair everyday functioning”.

The spectrum isn’t a linear spectrum from mild to severe. That is not what it means. @BlankTimes had some excellent links on this so I am going to tag her to see if she will post them.

High functioning does not mean slightly autistic. It means you don’t have a co-morbid learning difficulty. @Beth216 can you point out where I have policed your language about your own child? Because I haven’t interacted with you over that so unless you are sockpupeting on the thread I don’t see where I have policies your language. In fact, AS shows I have never interacted with you, so who knows how I have policed your language.

*Learning disability not learning difficulty.

I think it does help to read intent rather than get sidelined with definitions. That said low needs autistic would read better than slightly autistic @Janeones7851 if that would help?

Thanks for the tag EndlessLight, these two links explain why the autism spectrum is not linear. Everyone is differently affected by their autism.

It's very common for those unfamiliar with autism to assume that someone who appears to them to be able to cope with the world like NT people is doing exactly that, but its so far from the truth. They don't see what goes on behind the scenes

To obtain a diagnosis, a person needs to have significant difficulties in 3 areas, see the NAS website for details. Without significant difficulties, there's no diagnosis, but those significant difficulties are not always visible to family members, colleagues etc. Have a look at the term Masking.

This explanation is great for children and useful to start a dialogue.

the-art-of-autism.com/understanding-the-spectrum-a-comic-strip-explanation/

This one explains the spectrum in more depth. It's now on autoclastic.com

https://www.google.com/amp/s/neuroclastic.com/its-a-spectrum-doesnt-mean-what-you-think/%3famp

It has a very good description of the perception of " mild autism "

Hope the links raise awareness, they were both written by autistic people.

Don't forget that autism rarely presents alone, there are many co-morbid conditions too.

Thanks @BlankTimes. I was trying to find the links but couldn’t remember what sites they were on.

So to return to OPs question, what if anything can she do to help her grandchild who she feels is not being stretched or given appropriate experiences for her age?

My own feeling is I’d need to be very sure that was the situation first. There are parents who shelter and helicopter to the point they impact outcomes and I would imagine this is even more common with children who have additional needs. How can you make the parents feel more confident in allowing growth?

You're welcome EndlessLight, there may be even better explanations around now.

As for helping her grandchildren, the OP would be well advised to find out as much about autism as she possibly can, because it comes across as her wanting to force her granddaughter into appearing to be NT because she is ashamed and sees the reality as her granddaughter being slow or behind or in some way not as good as her peers, despite trying her hardest.

Many neurodiverse children are emotionally around two thirds of their chronological age. Granny thinks "age appropriate activities" should be encouraged. Granny needs to look at her own motives for this, is it because she doesn't want to see her granddaughter as immature or different to her peers and have her friends comment on it, or should her focus be on granddaughter should what makes her grandchild feel happy and secure.

Activities, some NDchildren thrive on a lot, others live in a world that's too bright, too loud, too extreme for them and they struggle to tune out background noise so they struggle to follow what's going on. They need time to regain their equilibrium, where they feel safe and secure and are not bombarded with the everyday stimuli the rest of us take for granted and filter out.

Sport is important for everyone, but if the ND child is dyspraxic or has hypotonia, EDS etc. team sports aren't a great choice. Individual sports are much better like swimming, horse riding, archery, athletics, it all depends on the child's physical capabilities on top of their autism.

Many ND children find unstructured socialisation too stressful, especially in groups where things don't follow a certain order. Many need the reassurance of now, next and then to deal with anxiety. Many are oblivious to hints and inference.

I'm sure the parents know what they are doing and know how to help their daughter be the best she can be, in her own time.

To outsiders, including granny, the way they parent their child may seem odd or "wrong" but that's because a neurodiverse child needs to be parented very differently to an NT one.

The parents may not wish to divulge their dd's diagnosis and interventions to anyone else, it is of course confidential medical information.

I hope that tiny insight has helped people to understand that by thinking " by her age she should be able to do xyz " they will stop in their tracks and think " By that age, an NT child should be able to do xyz, but as this is an ND child, they may not be able to do xyz at the same time as their age peers."

Neurodiversity is not wrong, it's just different.

@Janeones7851 I think starting from the point of supporting the parents to be happy and provide the home they and your granddaughter needs could help focus your thoughts. Most people are naturally extremely defensive about their parenting and few can receive criticism even offered with the best intentions well. Do you see similarities in your grandchild to your child? The world is very different now, so your methods may not be appropriate and the child may have very different abilities than it appears.