Did anyone shy away from a assessment because you were scared of the outcome ?

[laughalot]

My ds is 3.9 he is currently at nursery for a few hours in a morning. The teachers have advised me to take him to our gp for a referral due to his poor social skills. I have written this today as we have had a bad day his teacher said today he had pushed a few of his friends at school during pe. The teacher told me about a month ago to get him checked out but I keep making excuses for him and brushing it under the carpet. Deep down I know I should take him but im scared about what they will say. He just dosent seem to know how to handle himself around other children he always appears to be the naughty child. He is a lively little boy but will do as he is told at school when it comes to song time ect he will sit down and listen. The teachers have said he is a bright boy and his maths is very good for his age. On a one to one basis with people he is ok but sit him in the middle of a big group and its as if he pushes anyone in his way to get out. So my main concern is im a shit mum and too scared to get him referred and I cant get my head round why he pushes
children constantly. He is starting to stand out as being different.

There are boys in my son's nursery class doing worse than this laughalot, and sometimes I think schools are too quick to judge what sounds like a fairly minor behavioural issue and yet also too quick to give up on major behavioural issues (my son is autistic and in nursery). They put a friend of mine through hell telling her they though her boy was aspergers because he fidgets and talks a lot (er, isn't that just a nursery kid/boy?). The GP took one look at her boy, as did I , and said he is not in the least aspergers. It is best to go and see what they say, as if nothing else it will shut the school up and also you'll be able to come up with some strategies for stopping his problem with crowds. For what it's worth, I used an aversive therapy on my DS when he was aggressive, as he had no words, and we would wash his hair every single time he did anything aggressive. He doesn't react that way now, so it worked for me, but if your son is verbal you can probably try a different tack. From what I've read, if you change his behaviour instincts now then you'll change them for good, so perhaps the thing to work on is his lashing out when scared in a crowd. Is he worried someone will tread on his foot or invade his personal space, perhaps it's something you can talk about? Maybe the teacher can give him a little chair, a little bit separate from the rest just till he acclimatises? Good luck anyway, I know how worrying it is and I also know about hiding your head in the sand and thinking it will go away as I did just that too!

I also shied away from diagnosis. It is yuck being told by a nursery that they think 'something is wrong but we wouldn't want to label' but frankley pushing other children is pretty minor on the scale of things if this is all he is doing. I remember one nursery nurse telling me (after I had got upset at something that DS1 had done) that there are all sorts at nursery: biters, kickers, screamers, pushers, snatchers. Rather your child pushes than he takes chunks out of other kids (as did our nursery owner's son!) I don't think it sounds like much and if your son HAS got a someithing then it is likely to be on the minor end of something if his communication skills are pretty reasonable. I wouldn't say a GP will be much use as it is more likely that your son might just be a bit super sensitive to sound or processing or sensory things (ie, sitting with a whole crowd of wriggly bottoms isn't his thing) and it might take an ED psych to spot that rather than a GP - particularly if he is good on a one to one.

The key thing to ask is Are you worried - deep down. Do you have a sneaking suspision that he is 'different' to his peers in a noteable way. Whatever the answer then I would try and get some form of 'expert' opinion because either it will allay the fears of the nursery and/or yourself or else start you on the road to getting some extra help or understanding that he might need. The earlier the diagnosis then the better the support can be put in place and the more quickly you can come to terms with the diagnosis. My HV put it to me that so if DS1 comes out with a diagnosis all that means is that he'll be on the SEN register at school and get some extra support - is that so bad? Put like that it doesn't seem that awful does it?

Hope this helps

All the best.

Thanks for your responses. I suppose I do worry about him alot as he does have his quirks. He is very strong willed much like me really. They do say at school that he does get upset if he has to stop doing something for example if he is painting and they ask him to pack away he wont until he has completed his task. I dont find this that strange because at home if he is painting and asks to do something else I say not until he has finished what hes doing. The only thing I dislike is he recently has started making silly voices when he is talking now I dont know if he is doing it to get my attention but it really makes me mad. I suppose in a way the problem is not just my son its me aswell I am so concerned what other people think I make myself feel worked up about nothing. I just imagine people saying aidans mummy has no control ect ect. He has a party tomorrow at soft play and im feeling sick already in case he pushes someone. I suppose I doubt him at times recently he started swimming lessons and I thought gosh he will be a nightmare he wont listen ect ect but he has been really good. He isnt afraid in a crowd but school say that he sees people as objects and not as people and will think nothing of barging past someone if they are invading his space.

Didn't exactly shy away from any assessments but dreaded every one of them (pre-dx that is). This feeling is normal because even though I knew my ds was different, I still didn't want to hear the 'truth'. Accepting something always follows an initial denial of it.

Having said that however, it is best to know if there anything up with your ds or not, if only to get on any waiting lists ..good luck.

laugh - our ds presented with problems when he went to nursery. I found it really useful to go into nursery and observe him. Is that possible for you? His behaviour was distinctly odd at nursery and so unlike at home.

I think that some nusery nurses/ teachers do over step the mark. When my son was at a pre school where the obnoxious play leader told me that my son was autisic in front of loads of parents and children. The pre school leader threated to exclude my son at two years and 8 months as he would not follow instructions.

My son saw the community paediatrian and turned out he wasn't remotely autisic. He was deaf! He now doing well with his hearing aids.

I can't see anything in your account of your son that would indicate developmental problems so I'm puzzled as to why the teachers would want you to contact the GP. Also even if there was a developmental problem, a GP would not DX it as would require specialist paediatricain. I agree with AMM that it has become fashionable to see autism in minor behavioural problems while it is overlooked when it actually occurs. Could you ask them to be more specific about why they think there is a problem?

I didn't so much as shy away from assessment, as be physically sick before my son was seen for assessments. Then I would watch the assessments while sitting on the edge of the seat, my dh said I looked as though I was going in to be slaughtered . The assesments nerve-wracking. Even worse are the parental questionnairres, I would forget half the information, but my dh would be there aswell. I still don't think the paediatrician has all the information about my son that he needs. Even now after a diagnosis, I have problems accepting how severe some of his problems are.
I am about to write a list of strengths and weaknesses, but I don't like to think about his weaknesses, but in order to get help for my ds, I have to.