I will try keep it really pecise and try not to drip feed.
I have a 6 year old son with autism from previous relationship. My partner had a 7 year old son with autism and severe learning difficulties from his previous. We share a 4 month old baby.
I am trying to figure out what the best way forward is regarding our set up. I own my own home and live here with my 2 sons. Partner has his own home where he stays when he has his son. Both homes are adapted for our disabled children. When we decided to have our baby I didnt have my sons diagnosis this is very recent so feel really sad as I didn't realise what his needs would be and how having a baby would impact him so significantly.
I am really struggling and family and friends are just not helpful with a solution as they just say they couldn't do it. I feel like I cant either but I cant let my children down and dont have a choice.
Im really struggling at the moment with both children. 4 month old doesnt sleep much. Naps about 40 mins in total a day and sleeps for 2 hours at night then wakes for a feed. I can't eat because he screams when put down so im sleep deprived and feel so on edge and anxious when it comes to eating food as I rush it all then binge eat at night. Im puting on so much weight. I cant wash often as I dont feel I can leave him as he then cries and rolls around and I get scared hel suffocate. I cant excercise as my oldest son struggles with walks and he just wants to be home at the moment. He doesnt sleep well either due to his disability and is up for hours at a time each night. He gets so upset and hurts himself because he just wants some attention and at the moment I feel hes been taking a back seat as i have no energy with the baby who is pretty much always in my arms. My home is so unclean i have no time to clean and it gets me down.
Babys dad comes to mine after work Monday - Thursday but not until 6pm by this time baby is awake around and hour then sleeps. In this time i rush to eat, sort eldest out and then go to sleep when eldest is asleep around 9pm. I am exhausted. im up every morning so 4.30ish and broken sleep all night. partner cant do night feeds as baby is breast fed. He has his son every friday to sunday at his and we take the kids out but responsibility of the baby falls on me as his son is more complex than mine and needs constant supervision as his understanding is of a 2 year old. no danger awareness etc. This makes it really hard for me as i have no help on weekends and feel like a single parent and that i am drowning at the moment.
We tried to live together which worked when we was a 4 some but then found out my son had autism too while i was pregnant. He didnt seem bad until baby was born as i guess he had 1:1 attention from me so his needs were met adequately and he didnt struggle. since having the baby hes regressed so much so that we decided to live apart so he could have his space and less pressure on him with another child whos sensory needs clash with his for example his son is non verbal and loves loud noises my son is verbal and hates noise so they just annoy one another and fight. My son never had this issue but the baby making noise i.e. crying makes him more sensitive snd now finds any noises very hard.
Anyway now i am really struggling because i am basicay doing it all. My family cannot help as siblings all have young children and parents are elderly.
Can anyone suggest what we can do to make this work and be more fair for me?
I suggested to my partner to change some work hours so in the week he can help even for one day so i can sleep and eat while baby is occupied.
My mental health is so bad. I regref having this baby and my heart hurts feeling this way.
Please offer advice with no hurtful comments as I am really low.
Also to add my eldest sons dad doesnt see him.since he was diagnosed be doesnt want a disabled son he said. Before he would go there on most weekends so we had a good set up. So much has changed. Also my partner
has his son every half term as his mum works in a school so helps him. This summer hes doing 3 weeks 1 week on 1 week off. I am reallt strugling with the weeks he isnt here.
Thanks in advance.