Useless mum

[Crystallizedring]

I feel done in. I don't know why but I have no energy or motivation at the moment. I should take DS out every day and I used to but this week I've only managed it once. I can't bear the thought of going to our local park again (and he doesn't like going anywhere else). Every evening this week I've felt a sense of dread about the next day. It's so hard.
I feel horribly guilty as I adore my son but every day all day is taking it's toll. I can't see anything changing. I'm now a SAHM and although DS is starting school in September, it will only be for an hour a day, which is much less than an hour counting in time to pick him up.
I could insist he stays longer except I know he won't cope and I don't want to make school in to something he hates.
DH keeps asking why I'm so quiet but what can I say? I don't have anything to tell him because I don't do anything interesting and I doubt he wants to hear about our visit to the park or how many times I changed DS nappy..
I know I sound like a horrible mum and I know DS deserves someone better but I don't know how to change. I love him so much, it's not his fault he's got additional needs and a lot of the time he's actually very happy in his own little world (probably better than the real world). So I should be happy because a half decent parent would be happy if their child is but I'm not.
I can't be bothered to do the 5000 chores that need doing. I'm constantly tired and lonely.
Sorry I know this is a really pathetic post but I needed to let my feelings out somewhere.

You are not useless, horrible, or pathetic. You do, however, sound overwhelmed and exhausted, which is understandable. Can DH take some leave? Does he help when not at work? Do you have anyone else who can support you? You don't want to get to the point where you are in carer burnout.

Are you sure DH wouldn’t want to hear about your day, whatever form that takes?

Have you and DS had social care assessments?

When does DS turn 5?

Sorry for lots of questions! Don’t feel you have to answer.

We have a pub thread on SN chat, which you are more than welcome to join if you wish.

Not pathetic, not unusual and definitely not how it will always be. You need to be kinder to yourself. You are doing something few people are asked to do and you are doing it with love and thoughtfully. Come to the pub thread. It’s weird but it genuinely really helps to just have somewhere to chat where people get it. Some have adult children, some school age and some preschool. We go through ups and downs and there is always someone who has an idea of what might help.

Things can get better and you can find a truly happy life.

I don’t think you sound horrible at all. Sometimes I think I’d rather stick pins in my eyes than go for theme same walk around our local area - AGAIN!

I do think you should talk to DH. If you’re feeling this fraught he’s not going to be able to support you if you don’t communicate. If it were the other way round wouldn’t you want him to tell you?

I have mentioned to DH a little bit how I feel but he just says well you've got to keep on going, nothing else you can do. Which is true but unhelpful.
I'm going out on Saturday with people I used to work with, I can't wait but feel so guilty, like I shouldn't be so happy to get a break, even though this is the first time I've been out since he was born and DH is capable but I'm still worried about leaving D'S and wonder if I should cancel.
DS is so little, only 4 in June but seems a lot younger. We had social care assessment and seeing educational psychologist today but I feel done in.
The daily park visits are just too much but then I feel awful because he loves it. I know I'm lucky I have DH but I still feel lonely (my ex colleagues are great but they are not going to want to hear about how crap I feel)?

@Crystallizedring i can relate a lot to how you feel. Groundhog Day and ground down by it all. I’m here if you want to talk /PM. It’s a lonely tough road.
My DS is also very resistant to going new places. I do a lot of telling him about it in advance, showing pics. We stared at a different park from the car the other day but didn’t go in. It’s painful baby steps, but baby steps.

Are you receiving support following your social care assessments? Have you looked at your local short breaks offer?

I don’t often post, but couldn’t leave this OP, you sound exactly like how I was this time last year, down to DS having an hour a day in school. It will get better. I know it may not feel like it right now, but it will. Is your little one going to MS or somewhere specialist?

Game changer for the repetitive daily trip to the park for me was one wireless headphone in listening to a podcast, it helped it feel like something to look forward to knowing I could listen to something that interested me as well as interacting with DS.