Partner's children autistic??

[Mummyto4WM]

Hi all,
Looking for a bit of an ear (and advice if anyone has any)

I've been in a relationship with a guy for a few years. For context, he's a teacher, his ex pharmacist and his two children (9 & 5) go to a very middle class school - the headteacher my partner's ex-MIL (so the children's nan)

1st child Autism Diagnoses aged 4 (in reception) 2nd child going through the same process. Bright children, ie. Eldest is on book 3 of the Harry Potter series. Allegedly really well behaved at school.

Behaviour at home - horrendous! Tantrums 24/7, smashing up the house, fighting with each other, they can't follow a single instruction, they demand and get. In my opinion, my partner's parenting is very "disney dad" all fun, no boundaries. He tells them bed, they say no. They don't go to bed.

It's ruining my life, and my two kids are struggling. I've been reading endless things on autism and I'm struggling to see how they have a diagnosis, rather they simply have absent parenting - i guess the status of the parents, their parenting would never be questioned! My partner's excuse for everything is they are complex kids, and on the spectrum. There is zero acknowledgement.

We are on holiday atm, and I've spent the last 2 days in bed, crying. I'm exhausted. I've had enough. My 11 year old won't leave his room because he's equally had enough.

Can you help explain the behaviour please? Like what can (or should) I be doing? I'm at a loss

TiA x

i think you protect your own children from the impact of their half siblings disability.

Many autistic children mask and struggle through the school day. Pressure and overwhelm build up for them so they often meltdown or display challenging behavior at home.

First thing I did when we received our sons autism diagnosis was to sign up for a free qualification to understand autism better and to gain some strategies for helping son with his day to day struggles. Maybe a course of somekind would be a good starting point to understand how the children's disabilities effect them.

This may be the best your partner can do. These might be children who are just about holding it together at school. They may literally not be able to follow any instructions when they get home. Your partner might reduce demands on them because he knows it's what they need to behave in school or because enforcing demands will make the situation worse. Holidays can be incredibly stressful for autistic children so their behaviour may worsen.

On the other hand, it's totally possible for the kids to be autistic and poorly parented. The two aren't mutually exclusive.

I think the kids behaviour and your partner's parenting are both beyond your control if he doesn't want the situation to change or feels it can't. So you either break up, have the relationship on different terms (don't try to blend families), or accept this.

You must do what is right for your DC.

However, DC1 has a diagnosis. It isn’t your place to think DC1 doesn’t actually have ASD. As part of an ASD assessment, differential diagnoses and alternative causes are considered.

You may not mean it to come across this way, but some of your post comes across as lacking understanding which won’t help. For example, Allegedly really well behaved at school. Behaviour at home - horrendous!, your use of allegedly reads as though you don’t believe it. It is quite common for DC to appear to manage well at school and explode at home. It is called the coke bottle effect. It signifies unmet needs at school rather than a problem at home. If school was easier, home life is likely to improve. Similarly, your use of tantrums when, at least some, sound like meltdowns. Also, using excuse.

DP may find trying PDA strategies helpful and reading The Out of Sync Child and The Explosive Child books.

@Min133 was to sign up for a free qualification to understand autism better and to gain some strategies
This is a really good idea - thank you - I absolutely worry about the impact on my kids. I have a really high pressured busy job and I'm so use to coming home to calm and tranquility. I'm so exhausted and I think I'm mourning my life that was.

@BusMumsHoliday thank you - really thank you for your understanding. I sometimes look at myself as the problem, for being so deeply unhappy with the situation.

It's setting expectations- I totally knew this holiday would be a nightmare but my partner said "oh the love planes, they love the sea, they love the beach - they'll love the holiday and it will be a positive experience" - I've almost learnt to cope at times at home, but for my tiny bit of annual leave to be spent on holiday- stressed to high hell- I've really struggled but more importantly my kids are struggling. My son asked if we could just go home

@EndlessLight "You may not mean it to come across this way, but some of your post comes across as lacking understanding which won’t help."

I absolutely agree with you - I've run out of understanding. I think I've definitely stopped empathising - like this week all I've seen is, my own tiredness and my kids feeling deflated and upset. I'm questioning my own failure to protect my kids. So I think you're totally totally right I'm lacking understanding, hence why I wrote the post today out of desperation

Ill mention PDA strategies, and the two books. Are they going to be helpful for me too? I'm desperately seeking a coping mechanism because I'm somewhat accepting the situation won't change

The books and looking at PDA strategies are likely to help you too.

At the moment, I don’t think blending your families is going to work. Can you take a step back and see each other without both sets of DC at the same time?

What can you do?

You need to put your own children first and take them out of this situation and restore the calm and peaceful existence they had before. Sometimes trying to "blend" families just doesn't work, especially when there are kids with complex needs involved.

Your partner's children will probably cope better without your family around them too.

@Ellie56 I totally agree - the pressure the boys must feel to comply and manage around my children, must be equally difficult for them.

I guess when we were all in soft play, and his kids cleared the soft play with all the other parents taking their kids out, is something I need to consider doing on a grander scale to protect my kids.