Regulating emotions, impulsivity & tolerating frustration - advice please

[Montydone]

Hi, my 6 year old DS is autistic and really struggles with managing his feelings, especially frustration, without throwing a wobbler! He can also be impulsive, like he would grab and lick a friend’s ice cream without asking! He finds it super hard if he loses something that is part of a set (like he has some cards he collects and if one goes missing he is inconsolable). We’ve tried lots of techniques and things seem to be improving gradually. I would love to support him to develop skills to manage his feelings and tolerate it better when things don’t go to plan. Any tips or advice very welcome! Thanks in advance

Some people find the book The Explosive Child helpful.

Also look at Zones of Regulation. The school can support with this too. Have you spoken to them? What support are they providing?

Does DS receive any support from SALT and OT?

Thanks so much for your message. We have an online OT course, I’m hoping for more support after that which I will have to make a case for and no support from SALT.
School have been okay - he has an ILP with lots of ideas on it but we didn’t have a follow up meeting towards the end of term to see if they’re doing what they said they would do so I’m going to check next term. Will look up zones of regulation and the Explosive Child book, thanks! : )

Consider requesting an EHCNA yourself. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use.

Hi OP, your son sounds a lot like my autistic daughter age 7. She can’t cope with losing anything. It’s very stressful. She screams till it’s found. Which obviously makes it harder for me to calmly look. Similar things are no patience eg if I am looking for a car parking space (sense of uncertaincy maybe) or if the tv or her tablet are slow to turn on. All results in screaming and sometimes aggression towards me or more recently calling me stupid.

I have the explosive child book which isn’t a magic fix but basically is a framework for solving difficulties with the child. So eg my daughter and I have agreed that if something is lost she will distract herself by playing with something else. We’ve also talked with comic strips I’ve drawn of what her brain is thinking “it’s gone forever/ it’s been stolen” and how we can tell her brain “mummy will find it”.

but it’s very very hard and nothing works perfectly. I say to her we need to keep calm minds and bodies so I can look for the thing.

it sucks that she likes small world play with tiny things. But on the plus I’m so shit hot at finding stuff now.

good luck

Thanks so much for your message @Getoutgetout. I always find it helpful and connecting to hear from other parents of neurodivergent kids. Yes my son escalates so quickly if he loses something (especially something that’s part of a set, like the Lego piece he needs). I really like the idea of saying “calm body and calm mind” so that we can look for whatever it is. I will do that.
has your DD ever hit you/other kids when frustrated and what was your approach to that if so? I want to be warm and kind but boundaried and it is a hard balance to strike!

Also @Getoutgetout i love the idea of the comic strips to help conversation, can you give me a bit more of an idea of what they look like?

@Montydone yes she has hit me and scratched me (many times) as has her younger also ND sister. It is so hard. If I’m on top form I try to block or gently hold her hands and reassure (as the violence is coming from a place of fear) and tell her it will be ok and I love her. With my eldest once she’s hit she feels so ashamed so I try to reassure. She’s only even hit out at friends at school when overwhelmed she’s never hit other kids in my company (other than her sister in a fight).

Yesterday her sister threw some toys at me and my eldest was being awful too. I’d had enough at that point and went to another room. I’ve no idea if that’s the right approach but I needed to escape.

with the comic strips I draw stick figures of us with speech bubbles and thought bubbles. So eg it could be her thinking “the Lego piece is gone forever” and screaming “where is it /find it mummy” and my stick figure might be thinking “it’s really hard to look with all this shouting”. Sometimes I write on the feelings too. If you Google “comic strip conversations” then lots will come up. I have recently bought Carol Grey social stories book too which is also helpful.

it is Lego here a lot too - so small!

But there will be lots of shit comic strip conversations and social stories out there that aren’t ND affirming so need to be careful!

so then i might do an alternative one with her thought being “mummy will find it” and her watching the TV. I think we did agree that if something was lost she would watch TV to distract herself or play with something else but it’s a work in progress to cope with the panic feelings.

I totally relate to what you’ve written @Getoutgetout. Some days are so tough. I find if I am more relaxed, less stressed I respond better, tend to to the dr Becky, “I’m not going to let you…” When I’m full up and lacking patience I have much less tolerance for being hit or scratched and I end up feeling like a punching bag. There have been times I’ve had to go into another room and do a silent scream! I think we take in so much of their overwhelm that it sometimes has to come out.
it sounds like you’re doing a fabulous job and I think the comic strip idea could really work in our house as a way to understand and process what’s happened and explore different perspectives. Really appreciate it 🙂

Yes totally relate to that! Our days our so much better when I’m in a strong place but when we have a really hard day it takes it out of me and i’m usually less able to cope the following day.

sounds like you are doing an amazing job too 😊

@Getoutgetout And feeling tired too after a broken night’s sleep, that’s a killer! I hope you have one of the less stressful days today. Thanks again for sharing your experience and ideas, I sometimes feel quite alone with our struggles so it’s been enormously helpful 😊

We focused on helping dd develop her emotional literacy. She wasn't connecting her physical feelings with her emptional reactions. Took us ages to discover that she was far worse about losing things, or things getting broken, when she was also tired, hungry, ill, too hot, too cold etc. I read 'My Body Sends a Signal' with her and it was like a light bulb going on for her.

I also read the Explosive Child which was really, really helped. Sometimes I just need to give her time and space until she's ready, even if that means completely ignoring being called a fucking idiot until she's more regulated. It's during the calm moments that their minds are more open to problem solving, and reassurance. If you try speaking to them, touching them, or anything really when they're 'in the moment' it can escalate. It's taken me three years to master the silent, unreactive approach! And I still fail occasionally.

You’re so welcome @Montydone Feel free to reach out it can be a lonely place.

i also second what @Whatafustercluck says re being well regulated. My daughter certainly copes better even fed, slept well etc That said losing something will cause an immediate panicked explosion. But the comic strip conversation and problem solving what can be done while you look for the missing toy needs to be done after the event when everyone is calm. It’s a conversation we have to have several times but I feel it is getting easier.

@Whatafustercluck I had a listen to the book you recommended, “my body sends a signal” and it’s great! I’ve been looking for a book like that for ages, thanks so much… that’s if he will sit still long enough to listen to it! I also agree with you about how these reactions are impacted by hunger and tiredness and I think I need to keep this in mind more with him. This morning actually he was so upset to lose something and I said something about it “going on an adventure!”, which would work with DD but not at all with my boy! I definitely need to learn to wait until the calm moment and stop trying to coach him how to cope in the moment

@Getoutgetout it’s great to have this contact with you and other parents who seem to be on the same page! I really want to parent with warmth and boundaries but I feel like my intuitive way of parenting often doesn’t work, so it’s great to hear what you do; I’m definitely going to try out some comic strips…

@Getoutgetout One more thing, what do you do when you can’t find the missing toy or piece of Lego?

@Montydone mostly I find them quite quickly (my daughter struggles to look so often they are not too hard to find). If things are more properly lost it’s difficult and depends - sometimes I put the TV on while I look and occasionally she’ll find something else that will do in the missing piece’s place. But usually it’s lots of screaming at first while I look. I reassure her that we have always found things and that no one can have stolen it, and tell her it helps if we can stay calm. Hopefully over time she’ll be able to keep calmer and look with me and one day maybe on her own…

I can't do much in the moment when my dd is angry or frustrated, there's no appeasing her once it's gone that far. But as she's got older, she is more receptive to coaching when she's hurt or panicking or nervous. She cut her thumb a few days ago and it bled profusely, her hands were covered. Blind panic ensued, or course - would not let me touch or clean the wound, or comfort her physically. I was able to talk her through it, encourage her to take deep breaths to enable her to calm enough to clean it herself (control is a big issue with her), even if she wouldn't let me do it. I've learned to let her take control in those situations and advise from nearby in the same room. She gets like it when she feels sick, too - I can't touch her, but she now says to me "Mummy, help me to keep calm, talk to me". It's hard as a parent to just stand back and offer no physical comfort. But once she's calm again, she always wants a nice big cuddle squeeze. Other times she's the most loving, cuddly, affectionate little girl. I've definitely learned a lot from her!

I can't do much in the moment when my dd is angry or frustrated, there's no appeasing her once it's gone that far. But as she's got older, she is more receptive to coaching when she's hurt or panicking or nervous. She cut her thumb a few days ago and it bled profusely, her hands were covered. Blind panic ensued, or course - would not let me touch or clean the wound, or comfort her physically. I was able to talk her through it, encourage her to take deep breaths to enable her to calm enough to clean it herself (control is a big issue with her), even if she wouldn't let me do it. I've learned to let her take control in those situations and advise from nearby in the same room. She gets like it when she feels sick, too - I can't touch her, but she now says to me "Mummy, help me to keep calm, talk to me". It's hard as a parent to just stand back and offer no physical comfort. But once she's calm again, she always wants a nice big cuddle squeeze. Other times she's the most loving, cuddly, physically affectionate little girl. I've definitely learned a lot from her!

Pleased you liked the book! Dd liked the bit where she had to identify how someone might feel in different situations (she loves a quiz!)

This is so helpful to hear @Whatafustercluck and really hopeful too to know that over time you are working together with your dad to find ways to help her to manage difficult situations. I’m wondering whether I try to take too much control so I will have a think about that!

Also I’ve been listening to some interviews with Dr Ross Greene over the past couple of days and love his approach! It’s really been making me think about how (many) schools approach challenging behaviours and I like how he talks about “lagging skills”, which can be developed. I’m definitely going to try and tweak my approach…

You sound like you approach it in a lovely way, thanks so much for sharing @Getoutgetout