Obsessive bedtime cuddles and counting routine.

[CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease]

Hi all.
just wondering if anyone has had similar and any tips for managing it.

DS isn’t yet diagnosed but highly likely AuDHD. He gets very specific routines and gets very distressed if it goes wrong and sometimes he doesn’t remember me doing the routine and needs to start again.

after stories in bed and cuddling down under his duvet, I have to wait until he’s in the right position and then say “how many cuddles tonight?” and the answer is always “2 twenties”. I have to do 20 cuddles, then another 20, then 5 for luck. I can cope with this - I love cuddles!

however, sometimes he loses count or doesn’t hear me count, or something has distracted him or I’ve used the wrong tone of voice etc etc and he shouts “restart!” which if we’re on cuddle 42 for example can get a bit wearing. Especially if there are several restarts required!

I’ve put a rule in saying only 1 restart allowed. And I try to make sure he’s ready and paying attention to the cuddles. But honestly, if it goes “wrong” he gets so distressed and is inconsolable.

anyone have any tips on breaking, shortening or restricting these kind of compulsive routines so they don’t get out of hand?

thanks 😊

How old is ds? Is he in his own bedroom? Does he have a special cuddly toy or other object he takes with him?

I don’t have any experience of this but it all sounds based in anxiety. Anxiety about the transition and separation from parents for the night and/or anxiety about actually falling asleep, which is quite odd when you think about it. Some child psychologists do talk about this, albeit mainly from a NT child pov though they too can have significant bedtime anxieties, it just manifests differently so probably a lot to explore there.

Was there ever any difficult or traumatic event that happened at bedtime or in the night?

Have you tried making ds a social
story about the whole bedtime routine and reading it each evening? What are his anxiety levels like in general? If they can be lessened in the day then that might have a knock-on effect in the evening.

Are the routines just around bedtime or are they more general? Our child has autism and last year the routines/rituals were so completely out of control to the point that they were really negatively affecting life. We eventually started fluoxetine which is a anti anxiety medication and it has really helped and allowed us to ‘push back’ on some behaviours.

In terms of the counting cuddles would something like one of those clicky counter things help? If your son did get distracted and lose count then you could show him the counter to reassure him.

Thanks both…. I think it is partly anxiety and partly that EVERY aspect of life is centred around repetition and obsessive routines. It just seems to get to me most at bed time - I guess because I’m tired myself.

He has his favourite teddies and once this part of the routine is over he will go to sleep fairly swiftly. He usually wakes twice a night but will return to sleep once reassured - sometimes in his bed, sometimes in ours.

a clicker may be a good option to help keep him on track.

there’s not been any specific things which have happened at night, I don’t think it’s particularly going to bed that makes him anxious. He’s just quite hyper vigilant and generally anxious about things happening exactly as he feels they should.

No advice really, but watching with interest. 7yo dd has a very specific bedtime routine, where she has a list of very specific phrases that she needs to say in the correct order. She too needs to 'restart' it if it doesn't go correctly. During periods of heightened anxiety, she tends to build in additional elements which it's then hard to shake. To be honest, we just live with her bedtime quirks, but it's never become so debilitating that we've had to do anything. It's like a comfort blanket for her.

In your situation, I'd probably live with it but seek to limit the times it goes 'wrong'. I like the idea of a clicky counter, mentioned above. Visual/ auditory cues can work well. As your ds gets older, you might be able to tentatively suggest he chooses a smaller number of hugs.