How do I discipline an autistic/ADHD child?

[Snowdrop80]

Am I even meant to discipline him? I just feel like I don’t know what I’m doing at all :( From reading online it says to just reinforce positive behaviour with loads of praise which I already do. If I verbally give him a verbal telling off/warning to stop the behaviour he has a meltdown. For context, tonight he has been repeatedly spitting on the floor despite being told not to, he’s been kicking me, hitting me, and then he pushed his 1 year old brother over so I removed him to his room, and he has completely trashed his room whilst screaming the house down. He then told me he will hurt me with daddy’s hot glue gun. He is 5. Since the school holidays started 2 weeks ago his behaviour has been horrendous presumably due to the lack of routine.

He has only just recently been diagnosed with autism. The paediatrician suspects ADHD also, but wasn’t 100% sure, so has referred him for a QB test when he’s 6. He is also suspected dyspraxic but we’re still on the waiting list for his physio and OT assessments. The paediatrician said a follow up isn’t required and I feel like I’ve been sent off into the big wide world with an autistic child and I just don’t know what to do about his behaviour. He doesn’t listen and repeatedly carries on what he’s been told not to do. I’ve tried removing screen time as a punishment but we rely on screens to keep him regulated so it doesn’t work. Nothing works. Help

I have no idea what other people do but I am just as “strict” with my autistic son as my other children though I appreciate it’s harder for him to comply and some things are beyond him. I would hold a 5 year old who was attempting to trash a room, and say no to spitting, including making them clean up.

Also, cuddles and his weighted blanket help to calm him down but it doesn’t stop the same awful aggressive behaviour and meltdowns being repeated over and over again

@TomeTome thank you. The problem is I can’t make him clean up. He would just refuse

At 5 I’d be walking him through the clean up hand over hand. Behaviour will take a long time to correct, longer than for a child without the same challenges and 5 is still very young. It’s really hard work.

Have you worked out what is triggering his behaviour? Sometimes it’s best to start there.

Have you tried keeping a detailed diary to spot triggers? It is easier to prevent escalation in the first place than try to deescalate once DS is already overwhelmed and dysregulated. Trying to discipline/punish DS during a meltdown is unlikely to work and may well escalate the situation in that moment in time.

Some people find The Explosive Child and The Out of Sync Child books helpful. Others find Yvonne Newbold’s resources useful. You might want to look at PDA strategies too.

Spitting, kicking and hitting can also be sensory issues. Do you have any sensory toys/equipment and a trampoline? Some find a punch bag helps.

When DS returns to school, speak to the SENCO. Is DS receiving any support? Does the school use Zones of Regulation? As well as OT, has DS had a SALT assessment?

What are DS’s sleeping and eating like?

@BrumToTheRescue thank you. I will try keeping a diary. Today the meltdowns have been constant. He usually has a meltdown if something frustrates him eg. tries to put his shoes on and he’s struggling to do it so has a meltdown. If I can see him struggling so try to help him, again he has a meltdown. He’ll also go nuts if he is “told off” for anything. For example if he snatches something that his brother is playing with, and I remind him not to snatch, he will just flip. He can go from 0 to 100 straight away with seemingly no build up. it wasn’t as bad as this prior to the school holidays, it’s gotten much worse than usual over the last couple of weeks.
He is on the SEND register at school and has a support plan, however masks in school and doesn’t speak. He is very compliant and then he lets it all out at home. School are aware of this. Yes school have a zones of regulation chart and so do we but he puts himself in the blue zone every day without any explanation. We’re trying to work on helping him identify his emotions.
He hasn’t had a SALT assessment.
His sleep is awful, he can take up to 2 hours to fall asleep in the night then is often awake in the night and exhausted in the morning. The paediatrician said she felt he was still getting enough sleep (he isn’t) so refused to prescribe melatonin. I’m thinking of buying some for him but she advised against doing that.
He has a very limited diet and likes beige food. I also think he has too much sugar so I definitely need to reduce that. It’s just difficult when there’s limited things that he’ll eat.
I will absolutely look at sensory equipment

If DS has become more dysregulated with the school holidays, how structured are your days? Could you try to increase the structure and provide a timetable for DS? If being told off is a trigger try some PDA strategies. It isn’t always obvious but there will be a trigger.

Request an EHCNA. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use. If school was easier, home life would improve too. The school need to be providing more support.

Look at a SALT referral. In some areas, you can self refer. If you can’t, the HV, GP or preschool will be able to. You could ask for a referral to a sleep clinic, too. Will DS take a multivitamin? If DS’s diet is limited look at ARFID. You could look at a referral to dietetics. If you can get a referral there are some special sit ARFID clinics such as Maudsley’s clinic.

He sounds like my ds8 when he's dysregulated. You've had good advice here, I would say try a few days without telling him off verbally and also setting him up for success. A demand can be an expectation of behaviour, including excitement, so bear that in mind.

When my ds is heading for meltdown we remove all talking - so in your snatching example, if it had to be dealt with (snatching is not great but better than throwing a toy at sibling's head for instance) then I would walk over and pass the toy back to the first child, not making eye contact with ds, and non verbally offer something that helps him regulate like a tight hug.

My ds also finds it really hard to communicate his bodily needs - toilet/hunger/thirst so we offer these (non verbally in our case) regularly, otherwise meltdowns at can occur, often triggered by frustration but actually caused by eg. hunger.