How much slack should I cut DS because of his SEN?

[MarvellousMidgeMaisel]

DS8 has global developmental delay, developmental language disorder and ADHD. Whilst he struggles in school, none of these conditions are bad enough to stop him from having a mainstream education or a normal life. Most of his difficulties are educational which are being addressed appropriately.

However, over the past six months his behaviour has become increasingly challenging at home (not so much at school) and the school holidays are proving to be very fraught.

He is being argumentative, volatile, demanding, rude and occasionally a little aggressive (more toward his environment than me). He’s not like this all the time and can be absolutely lovely to hang around with, but it’s like a switch flips and he loses control if he doesn’t get his way.

We’ve not had many behavioural issues until now and most of what I’m reading on the subject suggests a firm, no nonsense approach, but part of me wonders if I should go a bit easier with him because of his issues? How do you know whether it’s normal childhood behaviour, or something he just can't help and therefore needs a gentler approach? Or do I treat him as a NT child and set out my stall accordingly so that he learns what the boundaries are?

Just as an example, he is point blank refusing to get himself dressed most days. I wont help him (he’s nearly 9 and perfectly capable) although I do lay his clothes out. He will do everything he can to delay and stall until the situation gets very stressful. Today, he threw a box of toys across the room. It’s not a sensory thing, more a power thing, he insists I help him.

But I just don’t know what to do. I’m at my wits end at the moment as husband works away and I just don’t know the best approach for making life calmer for us both.

Any tips/advice/strategies gratefully received.

You are not alone. School holidays are especially difficult for my ds8, who has asd with elements of adhd, and finds any emotion or transition very hard to deal with. When he is in a “hot” period, he is easily set off. Some things we use that might help you:

going low demand - use statements like “your clothes are on the bed” and leave him to it, avoid requests

manage transitions with warnings, non verbal cues like a timeline on the fridge then pointing to a clock, transition to a liked activity, or no favourite activity until non negotiables done.

distracting him - we might say “it’s suncream time and we know that’s hard for you but Alexa says uv index is 6 so it’s needed (can’t argue with Alexa) - do you want to play on my phone while we do it?”

It goes against my entire upbringing, but when we try to instigate a parent-child power dynamic that is usual for our society all hell breaks loose. So we try to regulate our own emotion and ignore what others might say.

Will add that we think ds finds holidays hard because he thrives on routinevand cannot tolerate boredom. So we write a timetable every day they are at home, and structure free time with suggestions of activities.

Wow your son sounds just like my 8 year old NT boy, I’ve found this last couple of months has been hard, I’ve even spoke to the school SENCo about it and they said it’s the transition period before the school holiday and going up to another school year ( even thought he will be with the same teacher ) but there is so much going on this last term or two that they can’t cope with all the change then having the school holidays on top of that its a big change to there route for them to cope with, personally I’m trying to keep calm with it all ( even though at times it’s hard ) but I know he can’t help it and the time will soon come that he’s used to being at home for the summer holidays, then it will be back to it all over again when they return to school in September 😣

Expecting DS to behave as though he is NT is unlikely to work and may well make things worse.

Have you tried keeping a detailed diary to spot triggers? Some find PDA strategies work. Some people find The Explosive Child and The Out of Sync Child books helpful. Is the routine for getting dressed during term time different to that of holidays? What are DS’s sleeping and eating like? How much exercise and sensory input does DS get each day? (You don’t have to answer all the questions, but they are things to think about.)

If school was easier for DS, home life is likely to improve too. With that in mind, what support is DS receiving? Does he have an EHCP? Any therapies? Any support with emotional regulation?

Similar to UniversalTruth, we have very structured holidays otherwise DSs don’t cope. All written on a big whiteboard.

I was just about to suggest looking at the PDA Society as it sounds demand based. My DS is similar. I bring down two outfits for him to choose and then he chooses which one, so he feels I control and it takes the demand of 'mum says get dressed now' out of it.