To feel like a crap parent during the six weeks holidays

[Lefmry]

My eldest is 5 and has ASD, I would say it affects him a lot and although they don’t tell you anymore what ‘level’ it is, I would say it’s quite severe. He isn’t non verbal, just more non communicative and has very limited understanding.

The six weeks holidays last year were great, this year however they’ve started terribly. Just before breaking up we all came down with an awful, awfuuuuuuul virus and we have all been so poorly. We had a holiday booked in Wales where we went last year and my son had a great time but we essentially had to cancel it because we were just all so ill.

My son is all over the place after illnesses, it’s like he loses himself for weeks at a time and it takes ages for him to find himself again. He doesn’t want to leave the house, if we try to pull up at parks, soft plays, family members houses he screams and has huge meltdowns. He’s suddenly not sleeping great again and suddenly crying when we stop at traffic lights in the car (a phase he’s been through 2/3 times before).

Obviously I think the fact he’s now no longer at school and doesn’t understand why this is also making life harder. We also moved house 2 weeks before the 6 weeks holiday started too so it’s been A LOT. We have since settled in to our new home and my son does seem to enjoy it but I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t been some of the toughest days/weeks of my life since becoming a parent.

None of this would really upset me much if I didn’t have a neurotypical 18 month old who wants nothing more than to be out the house, socialising, going to parks, shops etc, he LOVES getting out and hates staying in so I’m finding it really difficult. I feel like he’s being held back and I hate it. Their dad works Monday-Friday long hours so a lot of it is all on me, although when he is home he’s fantastic and will always do whatever he can, when he can.

Does anybody else feel like a shitty parent during the six weeks holidays? I see everybody on my social media accounts out and about almost every single day and I so desperately wish I could give my children that but with my eldest and how he is right now I just can’t and it makes me feel terrible.

You aren't a bad parent. You're dealing with a lot and doing what you can. This summer might be about surviving rather than about #makingmemories and that's ok.

Some thought - might help, might not.

Would your DS cope in a pushchair - maybe one with a hood he could pull down and a tablet and/or fidget toys?
Occuplaytional therapist on facebook has a lot on activities that can be done with ND and NT kids.
Julia Deering's Playful parent book also has a lot of low cost ideas that can be done at home.
Is there anyone - maybe a TA at your son's school? - who could watch your DS for an hour or two in the morning - so you could take the toddler out and have 90 minutes of doing stuff?
Do you claim DLA? If you don't, claim it.

Hi have no words of wisdom but solidarity similar situation here and after a very challenging day am also feeling a bit down about the summer holidays, over heard a family excited about a Holiday and just felt sad, so totally get how your feeling xx

OP does dh take any leave over the summer so that you can get some time to yourself and so that you can also both take younger dc out separately?

You're not a crap parent. Illness then move and holidays is a lot for older dc to cope with. Hopefully he settles again soon. Try and make sure there’s lots of routine at home which should help him.

Does he like sensory play? You can do lots of different activities with a tuff tray - inside and in the garden. Paddling pool if it’s warm enough.

Your are not crap parent.

Do you have a garden?

I second a pushchair. Some find sunglasses help.

Have a look at your LA’s local offer. Also request social care assessments, a carer’s assessment for you and an assessment of DS’s needs by the children with disabilities team. It won’t help for this holiday, but also contact Home Start to see if they can support you.

Does DS take anything to help with sleep?

I feel the same. My son hasn't been right either. He is the same age and non-verbal and is clearly missing school and keeps strapping himself into his buggy. Didn't want to play at beach earlier, so have been in most of the day. He seems in better spirits now and we will head out this evening, but I have been very tired lately and the idea of six weeks of difficult behaviour makes me feel even more exhausted. There should be holiday clubs for kids with high level of SE needs, but we have to juggle even more than the average family because there isn't any.

@Soukmyfalafel have a look at your LA’s short breaks offer. Some areas do have clubs/sessions for DC with more complex SEN.

Yes, this. I was going to suggest sensory activities, as they will be great fun for the little one and may be soothing/calming for the older one. It sounds like some of the difficulties he is having may be sensory - starting and stopping in the car is quite jarring to the vestibular system, and I know myself I can be a bit tired and less tolerant of sensory input like noise, light etc after illness. Would he use ear defenders or even just headphones at all? I like the idea someone else said about a buggy with a hood he can pull down to hide as well if he needs to.

There is a good book I was recommended on here called The Out Of Sync Child Has Fun, which has lots of activity suggestions in it.

I second Occuplaytional Therapist too - she is great. She has a website which is easier to search than FB.

The OT Butterfly also has some good stuff although some of her posts are a bit strange - she also has some really helpful info especially if you're not well-versed in the language of sensory integration.