Potty training ASD/PDA(?) daughter. Help.

[Catscookbook]

Please help - feeling desperate!

We’ve just started properly trying to potty train my just-turned-4 year old, and at first it went really well, she used the loo and the potty willingly. Now she is refusing to use either, and withholding her wee for hours and hours (but clearly uncomfortable and dancing around). If we suggest using the potty or the loo she screams that she can’t or doesn’t need to. She might sit on it for a split second but then immediately jump off. We’ve offered to go back to nappies but she won’t wee in those either now!

She looks like she’s in pain with it and I’m worried about UTIs. Eventually she can’t hold it any longer and wets herself.

I feel like she has PDA traits and I think asking her to use the potty is too much of a demand. But what to do to help?

All suggestions and advice gratefully received. Thank you.

Hi, I’m in a similar situation with my son who is 3.5, no diagnosis yet but trying to toilet train has been one of our biggest challenges. I’ve asked around on these pages and potty training (will see if I can link to threads) and overwhelming advice is to back off and not put pressure on if it’s clear there is anxiety. Have found this really hard as there’s pressure for him to be ready for preschool and after school club (I imagine you’re feeling this too) but all it leads to is a cycle of withholding and constipation and lots of stress and tears all round. I’ve consulted the ERIC helpline lots too and had good advice and also managed to get a paediatrician referral because the GP didn’t know what to advise. It’s really hard, especially when other people can’t see what’s going on and just say ‘don’t worry, you’ll crack it over summer!’

Thanks for your reply, I agree with everything! I spoke to ERIC today and they were helpful to a point. Our new tactic is not to mention it at all - no asking if she needs to go, no praise if she does - and see what happens. So far it’s been a lot of accidents…

That’s it - helpful to a point! There’s no magic answers it seems, for certain children they’ll get there when they get there and just need some very careful encouragement along the way (too much praise and reward seems to have the opposite effect!) it’s so hard though especially when people offer advice and don’t understand your situation.

@Catscookbook in a similar situation with my 3 year old daughter, awaiting autism assessment but i too feel she has PDA profile. She smashed toilet training at Christmas time and for a few months was dry in the day, able to communicate her toileting needs etc. then the last two months have been hell, started having multiple accidents a day, not recognising this, not asking to go to the toilet, then when we would ask she would just scream at us despite seeing her jigging and leg crossed ( I think the novelty of learning a new trick to toilet train wore off and she realised to use the toilet means she has to stop playing) she too ended up with a UTI.

We have made small steps of progress lately, by changing the way we ask / remind her to go. I.e if she's reading book I'll pick the book up and ask if she wants to bring the book with mummy to the toilet etc and then big rewards after she uses the toilet for positive reinforcement ( not ideal by any means but we felt in the end it was a habit that every time anyone mention the word toilet it would result in a scream / meltdown so was just trying to find a way to break this habit and it seems to be somewhat working so far, definitely less accidents so going to continue persevering)

Thanks @ForeverHopeful67, that sounds doubly frustrating if she previously had nailed it! Glad you’re making a bit of progress now.

We still seem to be stuck in a no-man’s land at home (not weeing in nappies or a potty!) but some (very) small glimmers of progress at nursery….

Hello, this is what has worked to help my PDA daughter ...

First thing is to stop talking about using the toilet, don't mention it or refer to it.

Allow the accidents for a bit, at least releasing the urine gets it out.

Think carefully about which PDA strategies your child has already responded well to in regards to other demands, and gently try the best-success approach around toileting. Back away immediately if she gets more rather than less anxious.

For example, if eating is a demand and you have found that distraction with the iPad or tv helps to reduce anxiety (eg she watches iPad whilst eating), then try to set up a couple of opportunities to have the iPad on the loo/potty. Be careful, if you present it too strongly or she thinks you've planned it, she will smell that it's a tactic and feel tricked. Instead, maybe you are sitting on the loo yourself watching the iPad, when your partner/friend brings her into the bathroom to start running her bath. No comments, no "oh look, mummy sometimes watches the iPad on the loo, do you want a turn?" None of that, avoid! Let her see you and ask to do it herself if she wants to.

For us, we found humour was the best strategy, or role play.

Humour - the toilet seat starts talking to her in a funny accent when she sits on it. The toilet paper takes on a life of its own and somehow gets itself wrapped around your head whilst you're trying to wrestle it off.

Role play - my child uses role play a lot to help her, so we use the characters she has created for herself.

Before you leave the house for a trip out somewhere ... you quietly start thinking aloud in her earshot ... "hmm, we're going to be out of the house for a while, and there's isn't a toilet at the park, I've been to the loo just now so I think I'll be ok, but I know DD hasn't been for a couple of hours so I need to think of a solution for that ... but I'm stuck, I haven't got any ideas ..." Wait, see if she comes up with the idea that she could go to the loo now before you leave. You can look happy and agree that's a good plan, but don't go crazy with praise etc.