Devastated to see DD declining

[Lolathepanther]

I feel heart-broken for my beautiful 6.5 yo DD.

Up until the age of 5 she was a very typical child, very social, confident, happy, bubbly, very verbal from a young age, super easy going, no tantrums, no meltdowns.

Lovely her nurseries, couldn't wait to start school. Since she started school it became obvious that she didn't like the disruption in the class, she kept asking to go to the toilet (a lot) and she was coming home stressed most of the time. But she's been doing well academically and made friends at school.

Towards the end if Y1 she's experienced bullying from her best friend, which the school sorted now, but ever since then it's becoming more and more obvious that she's struggling socially, I feel she's been impacted academically and her social circle has disappeared. She walks erratically with arms spread out, head down and twisting her fingers, asks same questions over and over again, is scared of toilet flushers. I'm just so shocked to see her decline so massively in just over a year.

Her friends outside school boss her around (one of them telling her 'do as you are told or I'll stop being your friend' - so she complies, another one - a boy- telling her 'take your clothes off or I'll stop being your friend'). We obviously stopped seeing these children but we have no one left. She's constantly anxious, doesn't understand why others treat her that way and I have no idea how to help her 😔.

The happy, bubbly, confident child is an emotional wreck now. The school are suspecting ASD as she, despite being a perfect child at school, struggles with social nuances and they do see her being anxious sometimes. She's had a shouty/threatening teacher in Y1 too which hasn't helped.

I spoke to the GP about it, went privately too, but no one would even put her on the waiting list as she doesn't struggle enough at the moment.

Does anyone relate to this? What help/resources are there for children who struggle but not enough to qualify for help? How can I improve her social life as she's desperate for nice children to play with?

Go back to the GP. Whether it is autism or not, there are signs DD needs more support.

I’m surprised private HCPs refused to assess given what you describe. If you want to go private, you could look for a child and adolescent psychiatrist rather than an autism specific assessment. You could also look at play therapy.

What support is the school providing?

Have you tried extra curricular clubs? Some find those easier than unstructured socialising.

Thank you for your advice. The school have given her some emotional support after the bullying and they are keeping an eye on her. She's otherwise perfectly behaved, super kind and engaged in school work, academically capable and so they are not giving her much support at the moment.

She did a couple of after school clubs and she'll do quite a few in Y2.

Thank you for your suggestion, I'll look into finding a child psychiatrist.

She had an assessment with an Ed Psych 3 months ago as we felt there was a gap between her ability and performance at school and she scored high on ability. The Ed Psych picked on her social skills needing help but she was poiting towards ADHD (ADD) rather than ASD as she is (was at the time) a very active, bubbly girl with a mild attention deficit (mainly affects her performance rather than the learning if that makes sense). So she suggested waiting 2 years. She didn't think she'd qualify for either ASD or ADHD assessment at this point.

Request a meeting with the SENCO. They should be providing more support. Just because DD is academically able and kind doesn’t mean she doesn’t need support. They should be supporting with anxiety and emotional regulation as well as with social difficulties.

Was the ed psych an LA ed psych, commissioned by the school, or an independent one?

It was a private one. School didn't think the assessment was needed at the time.

I'm having a meeting with Senco again in Y2.

A strong performance orientation, together with accompanying performance anxiety, is common in girls with ASD. They are also more socially motivated, and capable. The school's senco should know this. Her performance anxiety will extend beyond academia. She likely feels 'observed' and self conscious in all aspects of her life, and holds herself to impossibly high standards. The Ed Psych should have done a full range of tests taking about two hours one to one with your dd, in addition to a little classroom observation. The tests should have been both cognitive and academically based. If your dd has ASD, she will likely score very highly on visual working memory, but may have lower scores on information presented to her verbally. If she's bright, and receives 'average, within range' scores across the board, then the clues will be in the areas that are comparatively lower scoring. Her performance will also likely be impacted by avoiding any activities in which she fears making mistakes and 'failure'. A good Ed Psych would draw all of this out in a well written report. I'm surprise the Ed Psych told you she wouldn't meet the threshold for assessment, because they're not there to diagnose, or to speculate, but to highlight her strengths and comparative weaknesses and where she may require additional support - such as strategies to develop her resilience to making mistakes, giving things a try regardless of outcome, overcoming the urge for 'perfection' etc.

You need to roll up your sleeves and prepare to go into battle for your little girl, ask the senco and school family worker for a meeting and ask for early help to be opened to put in place a firm plan, do, review of how they're initially going to support your dd. Talk to them about how girls present differently with ASD and see how they react.

Going to school has triggered the anxiety. The school day, and all the interactions required of her throughout the day, is breaking her. Look up Coke Bottle Effect. Her needs are not understood and therefore not being met. Reduce her anxieties about school, and you'll see more general improvement in her mental health. You may well need to apply for an ehcp needs assessment, but will need to have built up a dossier of all the small, almost imperceptible differences, quirks and behaviours, as evidence first. Educate yourself about ASD in girls and then look for all the things about your dd that tick the boxes. They won't necessarily be obvious.

I should also have said that one of the few clues we had about our dd's social communication being 'different' was that she liked to be in control of how others played. So she was always popular, liked playing with other children etc, but was quite controlling and rigid. This resulted in a lot of conflict between herself and other children. But girls with asd can also be more likely to be more reserved in their interactions with their peers, wanting desperately to fit in, and allowing themselves to be controlled. I suspect this is what's happening with your dd.

but will need to have built up a dossier of all the small, almost imperceptible differences, quirks and behaviours, as evidence first.

You really don’t. The only threshold that first needs to be considered is that for an EHCNA, and the only lawful threshold for that is has or may have SEN, and may need special educational provision to be made via an EHCP.

Not all have a strong visual working memory. Some have deficits in working memory across the board.

"Has or may have SEN" still needs evidence. You can't just say it, you have to state why you believe it's the case. And building up strong evidence is a good practice to get into if op wishes to pursue assessment further along the line.

Yes, evidence you meet the legal threshold is required. A dossier of everything you listed isn’t required.

BTW, the first part of the test of has or may have SEN is the easier part to prove for most.

It's easier to prove for those children displaying similar behaviours across two settings, but not if they're adept at masking at school. That may or may not be the case for op's dd, of course. If school have noticed things, and documented them, she's more likely to have the needs assessment accepted by the local authority without having to resort to going to Tribunal.

The first part of the test for an EHCNA (has or may have SEN) is the easier part to prove for DC who mask and for DC who don’t. The second part of the test (may need SEP to be made via an EHCP) is the harder part to prove whether DC mask or not.

Yes, it is easier to prove when DC don’t mask at school, but it is still possible to get an EHCP for DC who do mask.