I don't know what to do

[Lights22]

I should preface this post with I'm very, very tired, so my emotional resilience is probably rock bottom and why I've been so affected this evening.

DD has ASD with PDA profile and emerging ADHD. No-one would know, to look at her. Nursery couldn't believe it when I told them. Her school teacher told me no way she's masking. She's academically gifted (within normal parameters), good eye contact. She doesn't have the "stereotypical" symptoms. Battle number 1.

DS is a toddler, going through toddler phase. Observant of his sister, learning lots of "poor behaviour" eg hitting, screaming. This is clearly related to watching his sister more than just age related.

DD had moving up day at school. She was suitably excited but, as I predicted, a total wreck after school. Shouting, screaming, scratching, kicking, hitting because I'd said no to something before we'd even left the school gate. She clearly just needed a big, deep, strong cuddle, but she's increasingly refusing these. Eventually I said yes to what she'd asked and she let me carry her to the car, following which she perked up no end.

We talked this evening about moving up day, her feelings, what helped her feel better. No surprises for me, but good for her. And she knows I am interested and want to know so I can help her next time. She's completely disregulated because of changing class. As expected.

DS sees how much attention DD gets. He wants in, understandably. Tonight we were late home, late to bath, late to bed. He was exhausted and inconsolable except cuddling me or having milk. DD would only go to bed with me. Clearly still on the edge. So I do, and listen to DS inconsolable with dad because he just wants mummy (too).

How do you do it? What should I do? How can I give them both what they need? How can I help my DD? How can I give DS the time he deserves? I don't really know what I'm asking, or what I'm asking of this post. Maybe just cathartic posting to the lovely MN circle in my phone xxx

Me and my husband take it in turns for one on one, my daughter suspected as autistic we are waiting to be assessed she’s 3.5 year old and my youngest son is 2, when he’s at work I put my youngest up to bed an hour earlier than my 3.5 year old. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn’t but I do feel you because I suspect like me as well you feel pulled in all different directions. My youngest also copies my daughter as well.
It’s so hard being everything to everyone all at the same time so completely understand where you are coming from OP.

If a cuddle meets DD’s sensory needs but she resists them, can you try other ways of meeting the same sensory needs, e.g. a weighted vest/blanket, bodysok, cuddle ball?

Speak to the SENCO at school. What support are they providing? If DD’s needs were better met at school, home life would improve, thus leaving more time for DS.

Has DD had an OT assessment at all?

I second 1:1 time with both, too.

Is DS displaying any signs of ASD? I ask because some are told it is just the younger DC copying the older autistic DC’s behaviour when the younger child is autistic too.

Check if Home Start has someone in your area who can support you. The organisation Sibs can be helpful. As DS gets older, it is worth contacting your local young carers network too.