How do you cope when your 5 year old tells you she hates you?

[OrangeMoon]

Ok i know at 5 dd is too young to comprehend hate but it still really hurt to hear it, dd has cp and asd.
This morning after i caught her and her 3 year old brother (who also has asd) ripping apart a mattress in their room she told me she wants to live with a new mummy and daddy because she was told off for ripping up the mattress, i couldn't help it and started crying and dd just looked at me and laighed which made it worse. She doesn't really understand emotions, she has a set of PECS cards to use to show her emotions and i showed her them to show her i was feeling das but she still doesn't understand, neither does ds.
They both share a bedroom, we have no choice as the council wont move us even though dd's social worker told them that it was very dangerous for them to be sharing (ds almost suffocated dd by sitting on a pillow on her face).

This morning i was woken at 6am by ds flicking the light switch on and off i knew something was wrong because neither of them are tall enough to reach it, turns out they had turned ds's bed on its side to reach it, ripped up ds's mattress pooed all over dd's mattress and broken several springs in it.
This is the 5th mattress ds has had in a space of 7 months, i now also need to buy him a new bed, and dd now needs a new mattress, but for the moment i am just going to put 2 mattress's on the floor (am i bad for doing that?).
Dd is going away for 4 dats this weekend with dp to see her grandma and i cant wait and i feel so bad for feeling like that, i guess i have just reached breaking point and don't know what to do.
Sorry if this post makes no sense but i just needed to clear my head.

Excuse my spelling mistakes

Hi Orangemoon. Hope your day has improved - it certainly sounds like an awful start! Didn't want to leave your post unanswered.
Caring for 2 young children with asd must be exhausting. I moan about having 1 (ds with sld/asd)- and its still a never ending round of constant care when awake and washing, restoring order, fighting for support, when ds asleep. I find the damage and destruction (and poo smearing!) particularly disheartening.
You are right your dd is too young to have said this to hurt you or probably to think beyond the moment, but I suppose at that moment - she just wanted not to be in trouble! Children who cannot understand emotions do say hurtful things because they don't know why not to. We know we should't take it personally but when you are tired, caught offguard, and woken to mass chaos - well of course you were upset!
Well a few thoughts. I think it perfectly reasonable to put a mattress on the floor if Ds has learnt to use a bed frame dangerously but hasn't the understanding to not misuse it! Secondly can you get some matress protectors - the sort that completely enclose the mattress to prevent access would that help stop the spoiling and ripping. And could the incontinence support people pay for it!
I hope you have a nice few days whilst dd is enjoying her gm - dont feel guilty!! Best wishes Magso.

Sounds like a rough day. I have no direct experienc of ASD but when my 5 year old says it, I always reply: 'Well I love you very much ds1'.

Hope you day improves

Thank you both, the day has slightly improved, at the moment they are both sat watching a video.
We did have mattress protectors, big heavy duty plastic ones and ds has managed to rip them apart, i don't know if the incontinence service would provide mattress protectors, will have to ask them, however they only supply dd night time nappies and not ds as he is only 3 so i wouldn't be able to get one for him throught them if they do them.

They will both be sleeping on the mattress's on the floor tonight, i have dismantled their beds, put dd's in the shed and thrown out ds's bed.
Their bedroom looks horrible now, the wardrobe is bolted to the wall and the doors are padlocked together, their storage unit is also bolted to the wall and has locks and padlock on all the drawers in it, there are no curtains at the window as they have pulled down 4 curtain poles and 3 blackout blinds, there are also deep gouges in the walls and we have had to remove the plug socket from the wall and fill in the hole, it looks like a prison cell in there now and short of me standing in their room all night i have no chance of getting them to go to sleep and staying asleep all night

God, Orangemoon, poor you! I have one autistic 5 year old son and it must be more than double the work to have two. Don't worry about mattresses on the floor, or stuff pinned to the wall - it sounds just like my DS's bedroom where everything had to be nailed to the wall, all shelves removed etc. I also have a lock on it and when I get to the end of my tether I can lock him in and go and have a fag. Don't you feel bad either about getting a break - it's our first duty as parents to stay sane, and parents of SEN kids need breaks far more than most !!! And as for your DD saying stuff like that, my normally functioning daughter comes out with things like that just to express anger - they certainly don't mean it - but if there is any bright side, it at least shows your DD's use of language is very good and she is articulate! Anyway, big hug to you and can you escape for a fag and a cup of tea/wine at any stage soon? I am looking forward to bedtime - the holidays are tough!!

Glad the days improved!
Sounds like you have taken all sensible precautions to make dcs bedroom safe whilst you sleep. (Ds's room had many of the same precautions for a while- he has grown through the worst of the 'fiddling' / climbing up the curtains stage now so has a blind and bed again!! Furniture still screwed down!)
You can buy encased mattresses (Fledglings sell them to order) similar to hospital ones, but they are costly.
Hope tommorrow is a good day for you!

Oh i have definately had my share of fag breaks today!!!
The kids bedroom door also has a lock on it, just before we put it on i caught ds in the kitchen with a carving knife in his hand (he knows how to work drawer and cupboard locks!!) trying to hack off dd's leg, it was a good job the knife had a sheath on it or i don't know what would have happened.
Dd goes away tomorrow afternoon until monday evening so i have planned lots of things to do with ds such as the zoo etc, just gotta keep him entertained for long enough so he doen't concerntrate on the fact dd isn't here.
Feel a bit better knowing that my kids bedroom is not the only one to resemble fort knox.
dh just been to B&Q and bought some heavy duty tarpauline so he is going to fashion something out of it to make a waterproof cover for ds's mattress.

Will definately be spending this evening with a few large glasses of wine!!

Orange, the other thing is (and I know not everyone agrees with this, but it worked for me) is to give DD and DS showers every time they soil or mess. Done in tandem with toilet training it really worked for my DS as he hates the shower so he retrained his own behaviour. My pal with an asd 4 year old got him toilet trained in just one weekend (albeit a hellish weekend) by using cold showers. Some people think it's cruel; I think it's crueller not trying to get them to behave more socially and hygenically! Worth a mention anyway, for what it's worth. I reckon the more you can retrain behaviour before 7 , the better. I also used aversive techniques (hairwash) on ANY aggression. Anything even remotely aggressive, he got a hairwash (he hates it). He's no longer agggressive. For a kid who is using knives, I think it might be worth thinking if there's anything aversive like hairwash you could use ( I would never hit a kid, but if there is something like that I think it's a valid behavioural retraining method). My thought was that I needed to do all this quickly, as my DS is predicted to be about 6ft 5 when a teenager and I (or even DH) may not physically be able to handle him unless he has learned to "edit" his own behaviour.

My DS with ASD loves showers, even cold ones!