Parenting a NT child after parenting one with ASD

[Lefmry]

Has anybody found parenting a neurotypical child hard after parenting their child with autism?

My eldest with ASD is 5 years old and for the longest time was in his own world - didn’t want you involved with his play, never asked for anything, didn’t speak to you, he honestly just wanted nothing to do with us as his parents at all despite our best efforts. He’s a little different now at 5 but for the best part of 3-4 years he was the way I describe and looking back parenting was easy because of it.

My youngest is 18 months old and so far is the complete opposite and for now presents as being very neurotypical. He wants you involved in his play all the time, won’t leave you alone at all, follows you around, copies everything you do, he wants to be involved in every little thing you do and honestly I know I shouldn’t complain but I’m finding it SO SO SO hard.

I just wanted to know if anybody else has also found this hard or if I’m just being ridiculous? I will add I am also 7 months pregnant and we’ve just moved house so the stress from that right now isn’t helping.

First of all, being pregnant with a 18 month old and a 5 year old must be incredibly hard! Add moving house to the mix and you’ve got two of life’s most stressful things happening at the same time, so you are not being ridiculous. Life sounds very tough at the moment ❤️ you are doing amazing.

I think I am the opposite to you though - I have an autistic DD3 and a (so far it seems) neurotypical DD1. DD3 sounds similar to your eldest in that she also is happy to play by herself, doesn’t like anyone trying to play with her and is in her own world 80% of the time. She will come and find me if she needs help/needs to open/fix something, has hurt herself and needs a cuddle or sometimes she just randomly wants a kiss and will come up to me saying “kiss mummy”, one of the few phrases she knows (it’s the best!). However, I’ve found parenting her more difficult as she does not listen/process information so that is incredibly frustrating. Things like leaving the playpark or getting her to leave the house some days are a nightmare and I worry about the future when I can no longer pick her up to take her home/keep her safe. She does not respond to incentives so getting her to do anything is challenging.

DD1 sounds similar to your youngest in that she will not leave my side, follows me about, always wants to play and show me things. I find this so much easier than my eldest as my youngest takes the lead and I just follow, it just flows. Whereas with my eldest I am exhausted from constantly trying to engage and find ways to play with her and understand her world. I love both DDs so much, I think it’s the feeling of sadness I have around my eldest acting like I don’t exist most of the time, that’s what I find hardest of all.

You say your eldest is a bit different now at 5yo, I hope you don’t mind me asking how he’s changed over the years as he sounds so similar to my DD?

@Lordfingal Thank you for your reply. I think it depends what order you have them in by the looks of things. My eldest, even with autism, certainly made me believe I had this parenting thing down and now my second has seriously humbled me. Don’t get me wrong he did have his challenges like your daughter and I worried myself sick constantly over his future and still can do. Things like applying for DLA, his EHCP at school and now appealing against their decision to not allow him a place at a specialist school are all still very, very tough. I hate that I don’t know what his future looks like.

He now talks a lot more and the biggest thing is he has a better understanding. I worried about how he would be even at nursery but he’s taken to school life very well. He’s done awesome at reception, although has only just in the last few weeks been doing full time hours, for the longest time he was only there until 12:30.

He likes us involved in his play a lot more, asks for snacks, drinks and understands basic instructions. He’s still in nappies which I wish we could change but for now he’s just simply not ready. He used to just point blank never respond to his name but I’d say he does now at least 75% of the time. If he doesn’t it’s because he’s distracted.

He really started to come about around 3.5 tbh and although can go back in to his little own world sometimes he is a lot, lot better when I look back and compare his toddler years to now.

I understand - like when I see videos on social media of “reasons my toddler had a meltdown today” and I could never relate - DD has never cried and demanded the blue plate and she had the yellow. That sort of stuff.

you sound like you are doing an amazing job though!

I absolutely understand this. I remember when my eldest was a little over 2 my niece (who at the time was about 18 months old) came over with my brother and sister in law and I started to talk about the beach and they were like ‘shhh shhh’ and my niece clocked what I was saying and rushed to the front door asking to go to the beach. My eldest would never have done that at that age, he still wouldn’t. My youngest however, you cannot mention going upstairs, in to the garden, the car etc because in his head he’s coming with you whether you like it or not 😂

It sounds like you've got a lot on your plate ATM. I'd be surprised if you weren't stressed.

This probably isn't very helpful but my DD2 (age 6, ASD) has gone from very much in her own world and zero conversation to extremely demanding and intense! Anything you say there's 50 follow up questions, if you don't respond to her instantly she shouts or cries, she wants to be with me constantly. Whilst there's less meltdowns now it's so much harder to have any kind of conversation with anyone else or get anything done. She's brilliant though, just super full on!