The most hurtful way your child has been excluded ?

[LanaL]

My child is older now , but I can think of many times over the years that she has been excluded in hurtful ways . I don’t think all of them were intentional. Maybe a thread of these things can get it off our chest and also maybe educate .

I’ll start

when my daughter was little she was a whirlwind . She didn’t stay still . I didn’t used to go to events that I felt would be uncomfortable for her . I didn’t used to eat out much either . One time my mother sent me a message to inform me that she was having a party that . She asked if I would like to come if I could get a babysitter. Now , I knew her partner had lots of children in his family and that he also had young children and the party was at their house ( so not a venue ) . I asked if any other children were going to be there and she replied “ yes , but we have just done the garden and don’t want her running around and you “know what she’s like”. So I clarified that no other people attending had been told it was adults only , that there would be young children there running around etc . I then clarified that it was only my daughter who wasn’t invited and she said yes . I then said that I wouldn’t be attending something where my daughter was being excluded because of “what she’s like” - if it was a formal event , that different . She also slipped up and told me that there was actually going to be a bouncy castle there for children . So not only were other children invited , but it was being made child friendly with a bouncy castle - which she would have loved . It transpired it was more her partner , and the fact that my daughter made a lot of noise and was very hyperactive . But this was her autism - therefore she was being excluded because it wasn’t comfortable for him . My mom was very upset and kind of accused me of not making it easy for her , but I was adamant I would never attend any event that my daughter was excluded from because she was autistic . She was also only 5 at the time .

I have never felt so hurt . I cried my eyes out for my daughter that night .

A very close friend of mine used to have my eldest son for sleepovers, (he’s disabled) once I had my daughter she used to have her for sleepovers then stopped all of a sudden.

Told me she couldn’t do sleepovers anymore, but I noticed she would have other kids over for sleepovers but not my children.

she stopped having her for sleepovers when it started to become noticeable she was different, she’s 3.5 now and we are waiting on a diagnosis for autism.

Hurt like hell, and I no longer tell her any of my struggles I have with both my children and keep my distance.

I never asked her she always used to offer to have them and then stopped, there was other comments she used to say as well about them both that’s why I ended up keeping my distance.

I’m sorry you went through that , it’s really hurtful . It doesn’t need to be this way .

We have a social club near us . There are a family that have twin boys who both have SEN . They can be very loud and run around a lot . The landlord had complaints . Therefore , she stopped children coming in after 8pm. I am friends with his wife and she said that they were at risk of losing custom because of the people complaining - more elderly but spent a lot of time there - may go somewhere else but that they could not ever just exclude the twins so they banned all children after 8pm- even my own and I am close friends with them - so that those parents didn’t feel targeted . That is the right way .

I feel people are less tolerable of children these days especially ones with special needs; the amount of parties my daughter hasn’t been invited to and missed out on, the looks in soft play having to leave early because other parents have gotten irritated or have said comments to others, and when we go out for meals out we get a lot of looks too as my daughter gets distressed from noise.

it’s so hurtful because they shouldn’t be excluded just because they are different.

im sorry that you and your daughter were treated that way.

I’ve had a school say “it’s sports day, maybe better to keep your child home”.

That’s was 10 years ago.

I actually think tolerance hasn’t got a lot better with children’s soft play places, activities and other parents with their children.
I do think society is more tolerant of adults with special needs though.

I keep thinking about your post OP. It makes my heart hurt.

My family are ok, but I admit it does hurt when I overhear them talking about DD. One time we went to visit my aunt with my mum, and DD didnt deal well with the transition so I was outside trying to deal with her meltdown. As I came in I heard the hushed tones of my mum quickly telling my aunt about some of DDs behaviour. Not in a judgy way, but it still stung.

DD has def been excluded from playdates and birthday parties at nursery/preschool.

I would invite my older sons friends with their little brothers whi were in my nd sons class. The mums would happily drop off their two children but only my eldest would get an invite back. Noone invites my youngest to play dates.

I remember the looks and just the feeling of being unwanted there very well . I go out of my way now to not make anyone feel like that . I’m sorry you have experienced this . People need educating more

I haven’t had to deal with play date exclusion as my daughter attended a SEN school , thankfully . But I have dealt with family members talking too like you have and I think that actually feels like a betrayal .

I once had an ex break up with me and one of his reasons was about my daughter . Firstly , he said that I didn’t tidy enough - that there were always toys lined up everywhere ( yes … classic autism ) and I used to let her do what she wanted with her toys as she was happy and it’s not like she could go and play in her room safely , as she couldn’t be alone , so I would let her play and tidy when she slept . But he used that as me not being houseproud and said “ I know it’s hard but doesn’t mean your living room has to look like a nursery “ . He also said I didn’t discipline her enough and if she screamed about something I should tell her off and not just guess what she wants as she will never learn to talk as she will get lazy ( I know , it’s insane 🤣) but he said “ I know your mum agrees with me “ - now my mum was adamant she had never talked about my daughter with him , but it hurt I really felt like I was being judged !

But - I think I had some just desserts with that one as he later decided he wanted me back and promised me the world on a plate and he was heartbroken when I said I was happier without him and me and my child could just live happier without him in our messy home ! He tried for years to get me back and regretted everything he said …. I later found out he had a child who was diagnosed with autism .

Just to add I don’t think him having a child with autism was karma or anything - I hope it didn’t come across like that , it was just an added part of the story . Autistic children are amazing ❤️

I’m so sorry , it’s so painful x

How awful , from a school too !!