How do I help my autistic teen ?

[Goolagoo]

My son is 16. He’s really struggling with friendships and anxiety. He doesn’t understand social norms etc . He goes all in on any new friendship - texting lots mainly is the issue and getting very anxious and upset if his new friends don’t reply. Quite a few friendshops have fizzled out and I think partly because of his ways - that he overwhelmes them - but also partly just because his friends are also autistic and struggling too - but he doesn’t understand that and takes it all so personal.

He is a lovely , kind boy . He is so thoughtful , loving and innocent. He seems to gravitate towards girls more and he made some friends where one in the group was 14 . It was all supervised friendships … but he asked the 14 year old if she wanted to go out ( he isn’t at the point of wanting relationships etc , he is very innocent ) but all new friends he asks if they want to go out and then he asks me to arrange it .,. But then this girl thought he asked her out on a date and was worried . I spoke to the parents and they were understanding and it was all sorted but then I had to have a chat about his age now and that being over 16 makes a big difference etc …, this has affected him as he now feels like he has done something wrong and that he’a creepy and people think that ( which no one does ) .

He’s just so anxious and upset and lonely. He has lovely friends but he’s getting worked up whenever one doesn’t reply or he reads the tone of their messages and takes it entirely in the wrong way and it’s constant upset . He’s been crying tonight and said maybe it’s best if he doesn’t have a phone so he can’t text people and annoy them and even said that maybe he should just not have friends . He said that at his sixth form he feels that no one really wants to talk to him and they think he’s weird ( I know that it isn’t the case , he has friends - but even though he’s autistic he will approach people and jist start talking and want to build an instant friendship but I know a lot of teens with autism are uncomfortable in social situations and don’t know how to navigate friendships ) so I try to explain this to him but he doesn’t have the capabilities to put himself in someone else’s shoes .

It’s breaking my heart to see him like this . I just want him to be happy , he is also craving independence but he’s too vulnerable and every time I say no to something he takes it as though it’s because he’s autistic and then I see him trying to mask this which is just turmoil for him .

Any advice ? I don’t know how to navigate this 😢

That sounds so tough.

Have you spoke to the sixth form team about your concerns? They may be able to get him to gravitate toward some like minded souls and give him a bit of structure. There’s bound to be some others in a similar boat.

Maybe you can sit down and help him to figure out some ‘texting protocol guidelines’. E.g.

• if someone doesn’t respond - give them some time as they may be busy.
• Dont send more than 10 / 20 / whatever works messages in one day.
• if someone is giving short responses say ‘chat later (or something more youth!) to give them a break.

Would DS try organised activities/clubs based on his interests? Some find that helpful in starting to build friendships. Or do you have a youth club for DC with additional needs?

Would DS be open to support for his anxiety? Therapy and maybe medication depending on the severity and what you have already tried.

Does DS have any OT and SALT input?

Have you considered looking into a PA? That could give DS a bit of independence from you but still with the support he needs.