Moving house with extremely anxious ND (poss PDA) child - I need strategies, please help.

[NDandMe]

If all goes to plan, we are moving in 2 weeks (exchange imminent, hopefully tomorrow) to a completely new area.

DS is 7, and suffers from extreme anxiety, possible PDA as well as possible PTSD from trauma, unable to voice his concerns to the point of violent outbursts, aggressive language, punching/kicking/throwing objects.

We've been to see the house with him, we have a large floorplan on the fridge showing his room labelled, and we'll be packing his things carefully so he knows nothing will go missing etc. He has an EHCP so his school place will take longer to arrange, otherwise we would have been helping him prep for the school change as well.

I know it's going to be hard on him, and therefore everyone else in the house. He's just had a massive meltdown tonight, punching me, shouting he wished I was dead, etc. It's the worst meltdown he's had in months, actually. When he calmed down he was able to describe and voice his emotions with my help, and he's open to strategies that will help him feel calmer, but I'm a bit exhausted by tonight's incident and was hoping the wise hivemind of mumsnet could help me with ideas.

Thank you.

Anyone?

Can you add photographs alongside the floorplan?

For the move itself, keep a bag of things you will need for DS that day easily accessible so DS knows he will have his favourite things and what he needs close to hand.

If you haven’t already, it is worth contacting the new LA now and reading this IPSEA page.

Great ideas, thank you.

I'll check out link. We are moving to a new LA and we've been told so far that they won't process his school application until after we physically move. It seems like he'll be out of school for a while.

The new LA won’t be responsible for the EHCP before you move, but they become responsible for it as soon as it is transferred. The EHCP transfers on the day you move or within 15 days of the LA becoming aware if that is later. So, informing them now means they become responsible sooner. The LA must arrange education if attending the current school isn’t feasible.

I feel for you. This happened to us a couple of years ago during a house move at a slightly older age. DS wasn't diagnosed with ASD at the time but it was the behaviour around the move that made us get him assessed. The meltdown you describe was a daily occurrence as the move day came closer and then for a number of months (on and off) when we were at our new place. He was involved in all the viewings etc and knew what the move would entail but it still hit him and all of us like a truck.

Like others have said get him to include things in a 'move bag' that he finds comfort in when upset or anxious or at least can distract him. Also any favourite foods too.

I would add as many pictures are you can of the whole house to the fridge or a place were he will see them daily. Ask if the estate agent can take a video of the house and send it to you so he can watch it if he wants to. Outline to DS the things that will remain the same - new house and new school are big changes so it will help him understand that certain things will not change such as his things, toys, routines, family members etc. I made the mistake in outlining all the positives of the new place - more space, garden, closer to places we like etc but really what was important to him was continuity and sameness not new and better.

Be prepared for very controlling behaviour, DS had to feel in control and he didn't sleep in his room for the first couple of months because he refused his old bed in the new house. Until we got him a new bed of his choice he didn't move into his room. Things had to happen when he felt it was right, not to our timetable.

Also, if you can get extra family or friends to help on the day of the move and for a few days after please do. Every child is different but we found that, after an initial bout of excitement exploring the new place, he didn't want to spend lots of time in the new house during the day so I used to spend hours in the local park with the kids whilst DH was sorting out the house, unpacking and texting me every 10mins!

DS masks like a pro and home was his safe place to be who he was and let out his anxieties and frustrations. When we moved we took away that safe place and he had to get used to a new home that would become his new safe place - this took a while.

That's really helpful advice and insight, thank you so much for taking the time to share it.

He's in a much better place these past few days, school has gone well and he's been slowly packing bits in his bedroom so he's controlling where things go, packing lego creations in bubble wrap, that sort of thing. But reminding him of consistency in routines is a good one to do, and I will get pictures up for him to look at.