Good evening,
sorry if this is along one, my 3.5 year old has gone to nursery for 1.5 years now. She used to go in easily however last 6 months have been tough. She struggles to let things go and obsesses over things ( I may add there’s suspected additional needs her brother is diagnosed but she’s very “high function” and she masks a lot to other people so struggling to progresss with a referral for diagnosis! and she can struggle with emotions etc ) she is very kind to everyone and has never been mean she’s quite sensitive and people pleases. so a few months ago a boy started being mean to her pushing saying things unkind taking toys off her etc , unfortunately she wasn’t telling the staff and was just standing there taking it so they hadn’t always picked up on what was going on, she increasingly started getting harder and harder to leave st nursery and started telling me she didn’t want to go and obsessed over if this child was there. I had a meeting with nursery and after this going on for some time they watched what he was doing more closely and realised he was doing these things while they was playing and as my daughter is a people pleaser she was being overly nice to him to try and get him to be nice back to her .. so although I kept telling her she doesn’t have to play with him she still did to try and get him to be nice to her but he was still mean. Anyway they now get watched closely and they’ve been encouraging her to stand up for herself and tell him no. Over the last few weeks they’ve rarely been near each other as much and if he does anything to her the staff intervene instantly and she tells him no that’s not nice and that she doesn’t like what he’s doing with encouragement from staff . However drop off is terrible now she cries and clings to me and begs for me to not leave her although she is fine when I leave and does play and enjoy probably 70 -80 percent of the time her day there as far as I can see/ be told by staff. At home every evening and weekend she obsesses over this child tho and asks if he’s going to be at nursery, she does also watch him while she’s playing elsewhere at nursery but she can do this with other kids at parks etc to or someone is going up the slide she won’t go n will stand and wait and wait until it’s finally empty . The problem is she masks at nursery and does not tell staff anything or share her feelings so as much as they say she’s “ fine” she’s obviously holding in all the anxiety of wondering if he’s going to be nice to her or not or upset her that day . This child is leaving soon as he’s a year older and starting school soon. So I’m hoping that will give her more of a fresh start but I worry she may have the same issues with orher children . My issue is though she does not want to leave me at drop off all the way there she’s anxious not crying but anxious Saying she’s nervous about him being there and saying that she doesn’t want to go and she wants me to stay, she makes me carry her as soon as we get near the corner and grips tightly to me as we approach.
When we get there she no longer says the things that worry her and holds it in and just starts crying when time for me to leave and clawing at me to stay. Now for the last few weeks I’ve been staying anywhere between 10-30 minutes she’s ok with me there but still gets upset when leaving approaches but eventually says bye to me while crying and lets me leave . I’m told she stops within 5-10 minutes. However nursery now want me to drop and run, tell her I’m coming back that irs ok she’s safe and give her a hug and leave, wirh her screaming. I did this from Friday for the one day and it was even more awful. But I’m worried it’s not the best approach for her, but staff are saying there worried the anxiety from worrying about the other child is now turning into separation anxiety from me . They have now started some new things such as a diary for me to no what she’s been doing and a worry teddy for her to cuddle if she feels sad through the day / while she says goodbye to me. The reassure me she’s “ fine” but as she masks how she feels I obviously worry she’s not .shes a close bond with one staff member who I speak to regularly outside of nursery to as we live near each other and talk to her regularly but unfortunately she can’t be her key worker as she is only key worker for the younger babies under 3 . I’ve considered moving nursery’s but again she will mask there how she’s feeling or if something upsets her staff won’t no. If someone’s mean there she will then not want to go there either, and staff may not spot it straight away with her masking her feelings. I’m not sure what’s best to do really and would like advise on the drop and run being the best approach? I personally haven’t been able to leave her that upset and have stayed but staff now want to try me just leaving quickly .. has anyone experienced similar
so sorry for long post but wanted plenty of background as it’s not just leaving me that’s the issue. She used to leave me fine But she can’t let go of previous incidents or any new ones with other children ( don’t get me wrong I understand why!! If your nice to everyone and people are mean it’s not fair at all or nice to have to go back to ) but with her masking I worry she just appears fine but isn’t on the inside and once I’ve left she’s stops crying n everyone’s says she’s fine when I call but I don’t really no that she is. It’s very difficult I don’t want to cause her more anxiety if I leave her without her being ready for me to or on the same breathe I don’t want to also cause her more struggles for school etc if she struggled to leave me but that is another year and a half away ..
Any advise please? Thank you so much