Setting boundaries..

[noideaoffuturenow]

I need to set boundaries with my 10yo AuDHD DS and I don't know where to start. He's recently started on meds for ADHD so I'm aware that could be exacerbating his controlling behaviour. Also, I know he 'needs' screen time to regulate. But; I'm so tired and fed up for bearing the brunt of his anger and I know I need to do something about how he speaks to me. He depends SO much on me, but is often verbally abusive when he perceives he's been wronged/I'm not there when he needs me/things change. ALL of his anger/fear/anxiety is taken out on me-DH often causes more issues and I end up constantly being pulled both directions. I am so so tired today. I am exhausted fighting for him/sticking up for him/supporting him to be called a liar or be accused of stealing his birthday money. He just slammed a door really hard on me when he eventually left the room after a tirade. I took his iPad off him and he's cried very loudly outside the room for a good 15 minutes. He's just knocked the door and told me I BETTER come out in the next 10 minutes as he needs to talk to me. I told my DH earlier I want to leave and not come back. I'm really fed up with this life. The last 10 years have been so so hard.

I think you have to pick your consequences, if he needs the ipad to regulate then taking it away is cruel rather than a suitable punishment.

You are probably not going to 'win' any battles you have with him and I think that needs to be remembered. His anxiety is through the roof and he needs you to stay calm and in gentle control because he can't. Don't take anything he says personally. Just calmly tell him what he needs to be saying to you, constantly model what you would like from him. Going to battle is just going to break everyone.

So when he says 'You'd better come out in the next 10 minutes because I need to talk to you'. Say 'You'd appreciate it if I come and talk to you in a minute because you're very upset'.

When he says 'you've stolen my birthday money' say 'you can't find your birthday money at the moment and you're wondering if I know where it is'. Reframe everything to make it acceptable and hopefully it will make you feel better and he will (with enough reinforcement) start to phrase things in a better way.

Slamming the door I assume (hope) wasn't done purposely. Calmly say 'You really hurt me when you slammed the door, you need to be more careful'. This might well be better said when he has calmed down (or hopefully you can prevent it escalating to that point by staying calm and not trying to punish him into good behaviour). For some kids that just doesn't work and I'd imagine he's one of those kids.

I can resonate with you, it feels as if we are on a downward slope consequences don't work(at all) and just escalate things.

I have found ds is better with dh away from me, and recently I need that 'break' we are thier rock and they can let it all out on us. Could you try this?

Can you get therapy for you? You may need to be very on top of ensuring your own emotional needs are met, including a safe space to vent, to remain an attuned carer in these very difficult conditions.

As PP says, his controlling behaviour is a response to very high levels of anxiety - he is forcing the issue of his environment becoming predictable. Try and meet his sensory needs and reduce stress. You don't want to go head to head on control when his need comes from a place of distress; you need to reduce the source of the distress.

Not easy, but as PP also said, this does slowly get easier with age. Try and preserve your relationship and sense of connection. It's really the main thing you have to get you through these years.